I'm in a state of reevaluation. I was dipping some of these flour tortilla chips in this savory taco dip, when we hit a snag. I came up with no dip and only half the chip I started with. So I did what every God fearing man of honor would do. I when in after him. I took a new, young, health, strong chip... I looked it over... it was good... thick... no burn spots... only slightly pliable... so we went in. Try as we might, I was unable to free the other fragment. Now I have two chips that are mauled and no dip. I need a new game plan. Is it possible I may have to use utensils to eat chips and dip. The thought is beyond madness. Time to get creative...
Blog Neglect
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah... so I haven't posted in a while. There has been so much going on, I can never decided what to write about. So out of all the important events happening in my life... I choose this.
I saw a commercial the other day for a razor with four blades on the the front and one the back for shaping your sideburns. I was amazed. Not at the number of blades, or the shear frivolousness of the pain it would inflict if not used with the utmost care... but I had never considered until that moment the shear volume and magnitude of that single invention. There is not just one razor company, there are many. And each razor company employs not just one guy, but a "Development Team" to think this stuff up. In fact, right now there is a team of people that probably get paid a six figure salary to sit in a room and go... "what do we have now? Three razors? Let's make four... and put on the other side too... no... lets make it vibrate!" And this is happening at all the major male grooming companies. Then they send it to the team that actually makes the razor, then people are employed to make that machine that mass produces these four blade face fiestas. We may think it is stupid to keep adding more blades, but if progress stopped millions of americans might be out of a job.
Such fuss for a piece of plastic. Five blades... you might as well shave with a buck knife.
Another Awkward Encouter... Brought to You by Wal-Mart
So, I ran to Wal-Mart to grab something really quick. It's never that easy is it. I ran into four people I know and had to stop and talk. One of which is one of my best friend's ex-girlfriends.
What do you say in the moment?
"Hey how's it going?"
"Good."
"Do you see Jeff any more?"
"Yep."
"When?"
"uh, his wedding... to ... not you."
I conclude that running into your friend's ex is more awkward than running into your own ex. Because, at least I know why she is my ex. Girls often ask me why my friends broke up with them. What do you say? "Well... basically, you are weird and possessive and jealous... and crazy." Because if you say "I don't know" they don't believe you. But it is bound to happen... and it's going to happen at Wal-Mart.
Call Me Crazy...
So the other day, on my way to work out at 6:30 AM (flexes muscles with bloodshot eyes), I was listening to this Chicago morning show. I was shocked this morning for a few reasons. The first was that they were actually discussing a topic that was half-way intelligent. Usually, it is just celebrity gossip and funny things. However, that morning they were talking about the current events of all the politics surrounding illegal immigration. Unfortunately, I think the callers were still from the same audience that is more informed on Tom Cruise than George Ryan.
And as I continued to listen to the callers, I became more and more disturbed. There was call after call of people who basically said, "Well, really... Everyone in this country immigrated from somewhere (Europe, Mexico, etc.). So I don't see what the big deal is. Why would you want to keep these people from crossing the border?" Call me conservative or whatever, just don't call me crazy when I say this...
Why would you want to stop ILLEGAL immigrants!?! I don't know? Why would you want to stop bank robbers... I'm sure everyone in this country has made a withdrawal from a bank at some point in their life. And before you say "that is not comparing apples to apples" yes it is! One is the legal way of doing something and taking something you have a right to. The other is ILLEGALLY taking something you have no legal right to.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those crazy people that think we are being invaded by Mexicans. Those people are paranoid. I have no problem with people entering this country with visas, or work permits. I just don't understand how we have come to a place as a country that the people are mad at politicians for enforcing laws already in place.
The state of Illinois is basically talking about tightening up security so that ILLEGAL immigrants can't get a driver's license. I don't think this is out of the question since you have to have a STOLEN social security number to get a ILLEGAL drivers license. "but if they don't have a license they won't be able to drive or work..." Maybe they shouldn't be breaking the law then!!! And then who really suffers are the people who did the paper work and are here LEGALLY with student visas and such, because now they are always under suspect.
Yet I listen to caller after caller, say that we should just leave ILLEGAL immigrants alone and stop trying to stop them. Some times I wonder if I'm the crazy one...
What Would Christopher Walken Do?
Sometimes I find myself in awkward situations and I ask myself, "What would Christopher Walken do?
A woman came to me and told me she just doesn't know if she can control her teenage daughter.
"Bottom line... I'll drop her out a higher window. Meantime, I got better fish to fry." - CW
I was standing next to one of the high school kids at church when he graciously extended his hand to a three year old and said, "gimme five." The child's response was, "NEVER!"
"Hey, You're talking to my man all wrong here. It's the wrong tone. You better watch it, or I'll stab you in the face with a soldering iron. Hey, does your mother sew? BOOM. Get her to sew that. "
After spending an evening with one of your friend's new boyfriend that is a jerk... especially to her. She asks you, "So, isn't he great... what did you guys talk about?"
"First of all, he made me laugh, and that was very important... The fact that I was really enjoying this guy, and then I shot him anyway. And the same is true of him - he really enjoyed telling me that story. And you could see it was delightful, don't you think? It happens to end with me shooting him in the head. But up until then, wasn't it delightful?" - CW
Hypothesis #118: Welcome To the Mall... Choose wisely
In recent trips to the Westfield Shopping Center, known on the streets as the "mall", I have inadvertently stumbled upon a secret... a governing law of the universe if you will. There are powers at work that I was not previously aware of, but now what was hidden will soon be revealed.
So here is my theory...
In the dating realm, one of the most time consuming parts is finding the guy or girl that is "your type." How often do you hear people say, "He's not my type..." "She's not really what I'm looking for in a girl..." So most people rely on their friends or relatives for recommendations. They get set up on dates with guys that other people say would be a good match. But what do "they" know? I have discovered a loop-hole. A short-cut in the space/time continuum of life, so to speak. A time machine, an on-line dating service, liquor and nudists. None of these time honored traditions. It's the Mall.
Call it "Shopping for the perfect girl/guy." Here is the premise. I believe in the phrase "the clothes make the man" so let's go right to the source. No more wondering "Is this person my type?" You can tell a lot about someone by the clothes they wear and subsequently where they shop. So lets break it down. If you are looking for someone who...
Cares about physical appearance, is at least slightly high-maintenance, trendy, middle to upper-middle class, orders tequila mixers, has a razor phone, and works at a job with a level of professionalism...
These people shop at Express.
Their favorite song is Drop It Like It's Hot.
Is high school jail-bate, spends their parent's money (and lots of it), buys whole albums to listen to one song, has surfer hair, orders yager bombs, has a skate board just to carry around, and doesn't have a job because they "don't want to work fast food."
These people shop at Hollister.
Their favorite song is the Cha-Cha Slide.
Is into independent rock bands, would be described as "different" or "artsy", most likely has a special diet (ie vegan, vegetarian, organic), like Zach Braff, cynical about life and pop-culture while consuming both, shops at IKEA, and do things and wear things that other people think "are cool... but I would never do that/wear that."
These people shop at H&M.
Their favorite song is anything by the Postal Service or Snow Patrol.
Has a summer condo = Banana Republic
Has a boat = Eddie Baur
Any guy, or she already has a boy friend = EB Games
Is a divorced mom with highlights = Forever 21
Skinny people wearing sandals = Gap
Frat Boys and Girl's Basketball players = Aeropostle
People that look good in plaid and flanel = American Eagle
Ghetto Booty = Dress Barn/Lane Bryant
You get the point. So what do your shopping choices say about you?
Two Roommate Stories
Many of you that read this blog know of my love/hate relationship with IKEA. My new roommate seems to have inherited my grudge. Being as now there are two IKEA's with-in a reasonable driving distance, there is now twice the disappointment.
We set out to attempt the impossible. Tyler works in what can only be described as a log cabin. In his office there are three different types, colors, and grains of wood. So we went to IKEA to try and fine office furniture to match... well... at least the furniture matches itself. So we went to Bowlingbrook and we found a unit to start with. Of coarse, it's not all there. IT'S NEVER ALL THERE! So we went to Schuamburg. Well, that's to say that we went the longest, wrongest possible route we could have taken. I blame only myself, I290 west, and of coarse... the spirit of IKEA who haunts my very dreams. D*$^ you IKEA.
But I am thankful for my new roommate. The other day I was suppose to drop off my parents at the airport and pick up Jason and Melissa. These were suppose to be separate events. Unfortunately, I got it in my head that they were on the same day. So when Jason called me as they ARRIVED at the airport, I was no where near them. Luckily, roommate went to get them. I'm done being a basketcase now. And I'm done with airports. Definitely done with airports.
Episode 6.1 For the Ladies
Tyler and Lucas go under cover to bring you this shocking information about women.
(to download, go to "extras", right click and select "save target as/download liked file.")
Learning To Fly
So this past weekend I flew out to Manchester, NH to visit my friends on the east coast. All in all I would call it a discounted extravaganza. And to explain that let me give you a cost break down of the trip.
Plane Tickets - $60 round trip - instead of $320
New Snowboard - $26 - instead of $299
Lift Tickets - $40 - instead of $60
The trip was great. But if you've read Tyler's blog, you know... I had a bit of trouble at the Airport. Allow me to elaborate.
You see my friend Jeff was the one who bought the tickets. And originally, Jeff had made a mistake and booked the flight for 3/15 and return 5/19. That's right... two months. So he had to call and change the flights. Well in all the confusion, I showed up 12 hours early for my flight on Thursday. 12 HOURS! Not only that, but when I did go for my flight at 6 PM, it was delayed. I can't tell you how much I hate to fly.
Usually, if it is a good flight, with no storms or turbulence... I will only get a huge headache and feel sick to my stomach. If it is a bad flight... I want to kill myself. This was not a good flight. You know it's bad when the two strangers sitting next to you keep asking, "Are you okay man?" I just can't take it.
But while in New Hampshire, I talked to Jeff's wife, who deals drugs on the side... and she hooked me up with aspirin and this stuff called Bonine. Bonine is a combination of ginger and Dramamine. They are small, pink, chewable tablets from the gods.
My flight back was amazing. I looked out the window the whole time. I didn't feel sick to my stomach or anything. I felt like Aladdin on a magic carpet ride. Thank you Bonine.
Warning: Side effects may include headaches, nausea, drowsiness, projectile vomiting, demon possession, spontaneous picnics, kidney failure, or instant death.
Do you like to fly?
Can life get better?!?
I don't know how this could escape my attention! I came home during my lunch hour to drop off my rent check, and I took the back way. Then I saw it. It had to be there for at least a week. At a distance of maybe 100 yards from where I live... they (the ominous they) are building a Culvers. I know what you're thinking... I was shocked too. How could I have missed this development?
But that's not all!
About a month ago I had intended to get cable. I wanted to have cable modem, but ended up going with the good ol' SBC. But in that whole process, I had hooked my TV up to the cable hook-up on the wall... hook-up. Today, to take some of the edge off learning that a butter burger with-in walking distance was but a few days away, sat down to watch a DVD. I hit a wrong button on my remote and all of a sudden I'm watching Cartoon Network. Free cable. Can life get better? I submit that it can not.
Oh wait!
I'm going to the spa next weekend and Tyler is moving in!
So if you are in the area, come on over and have a butter burger while we watch CSI.