I think it is time America. In an generation bombarded with information (Twitter, Facebook, Myspace, TMZ, your mom's bridge club gossip), we have become entirely too tolerant of side show accidents that claim to be news worthy. I don't blame you. Sure, I've done some rubber necking. There are things that I have seen (terrible things) that I know I should look away but don't. Lady GaGa is one of those things.
Fact: Lady Gaga wrote a song called "Telephone". This song when played in its entirety lasts 3:40. Three minutes and forty seconds of catchy nonsense, mispronounce werrrrds, and keyboard layers. Once the song was distributed by the forces of evil to radio stations all across the land, and robots pretending to be DJ's programmed it every 3:41... the stage was set. The "Telephone" music video was unleashed like the Kraken from the pits of Tartarus. The MUSIC video is 9:32. So if you count the variables and carry the one, there is 5:52 of no music. 5:52 of no MUSIC IN THE MUSIC VIDEO! What you will find in this masterpiece of horror is a storyline so thin that it makes the premise of Spin Doctors early 90's hit song "Two Princes" look like Oscar material. At one point Lady GaGa is showing you her butt whilst wearing sunglasses made of lit cigarettes. She then is released from prison (the first mistake), she gets in a car with Beyonce' (really Beyonce' you are better than this) and proceeds to kill a diner full of gay robots from the future. I'm actually certain that one of them is wearing the free sunglasses Pizza Hut gave away when Back To The Future 2 was released. At the end they ride off in a Kill Bill reference (which doesn't score them any points with me). All of this is done whilst finding time to include the 3:40 of a song about Lady GaGa's phone ringing while she is at the club and not wanting to answer because you can't hear anything on the dance floor. What that has to do with killed people, prison beatings, or homosexual / homicidal cooks... we will never know. The worst part is that at the very end it says "To be continued."
That does it. I propose that Lady GaGa be given a four year shun. One year because she dresses like a five year old picked out her outfits in a used alien costume shop. One year because of "Poker Face". Yet another year exiled because she tries making an innuendo of the phrase "disco stick" but it really doesn't make sense any way that you would or could take it. And one more year so she can grow her hair out after I shave off her stupid, stupid bangs. All four years should be spent in a land devoid of sunlight so she can't wear glasses made of razorblades, lit cigarettes, venetian blinds, booby tassels, mickey mouse ears, or view masters. I'm not making these things up.
I can only hope that America will join me in shunning this woman so that she might take some time to evaluate her life. Maybe she will finally look in a mirror when she dresses or discover music. Given time she might even sing for the first time in her life.
