I am and have always been a nerd. Allow me to illustrate my point.
In the early years of my high school experience I was placed in a gym class that was everything you expect from a stereotypical gym class. Underclassmen were periodically thrown into the shower if you could not manage a death grip on your locker door like Chris who was suspended horizontally for a good 3 minutes while three seniors helped him put permanent finger shaped indents in his locker door. Or Thomas who wheeled himself out to stretches late because he was duct taped to a computer chair. But the fun didn't stop then...
Because gym was immediately followed by lunch. And seven of us who were in gym together and lets say "were in desperate lack of cool" sat at the table next to the seniors. We were each given nick-names like "Luc's Peep Show" "Hunch" "Ike" "Stewart" "Glass Eye" and "The Mole Man."
And just about every other day, the lunch room was captivated to see which one of us would get (be forced) to wear the hat that the seniors had made that day out of the various cups and containers they had eaten their lunch out of. Never before had cruelty been so avante garde. I would have saluted their creativity if I didn't have fry grease running down my forehead.
I had more than my fair share of experiences as a nerd in Jr. High and Sr. High. It used to be a daily grind on my self-esteem and let's just say it kept me on my toes. I used to wonder what life would have been like as one of the "beautiful" people.
But now I think that nerds are the "new black." With the help of Weezer, Napoleon Dynamite, the return of 80's fashion, Bill Gates (our leader), and all the other rich nerds dating supermodels... nerds have made a comeback. I would be proud to raise children who are nerds, (this will more than likely happen whether I like it or not) because it is not about being a social outcast anymore. It seems to be a right of passage to doing great things and being successful and well balanced. Because now that the flood of awkwardness has receded, it turns out my friends and I are well adjusted and ended up not that weird looking. Just wait til the reunion...
Revenge of the Nerds!
Making History...
I'm pretty sure that someday historians and 9th grade history teachers will note this era as the reason America failed as a nation. You don't think it's true...?
In the entire history of this great country only one president has been impeached: Bill Clinton. Nixon was going to be impeached, but to save the country and himself the embarrassment, he choose to resign. But not Bill... Bill took time out of running the country to deny the allegations that he had partaken in "sexual relations" with an intern. In fact, the charge which may or may not have been a big deal for his political career was not what marred the character of our country. Our leader, the President of the United States, had the audacity to stand before a grand jury and pander about the meaning of the word "is". Because they more than proved that he had an affair. Now it was about proving that Bill had committed perjury. Which he had.
And once we had established that Bill Clinton, President of the United States committed perjury and gross misconduct... we did nothing. He didn't resign. He wasn't fired. If I lied for my buddy in traffic court I could be sentenced to up to five years in prison. Bill... nothing.
And now we are seriously considering making his wife... the woman who stood by him, condoned his perjury, and went along with sweeping it under the rug... President of the United States of America or (vice-president).
This will be coined as the era in which America failed. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! Does no one else notice this stuff?
Behold the Christmas Eagle Cometh!
I have decided that when Charissa and I have kids, that I'm going to adopt some parenting methods that are... well... let's call it "less than conventional." Allow me to give you an example.
You never really know if your kids are actually listening to you when you speak to them, so I'm going to teach my children to make a "listening face." This will, of course, be one of the most ridiculous faces I can come up with. So if they make this particular face I know they are listening to what I'm saying. This becomes more fun when we send them off to school. I imagine the first parent/teacher conference. "Little Billy makes this face when ever I am teaching." "That's my boy! Good listening skills!"
Another case came up on New Years Eve. Charissa and I went to the Brookfield Zoo, which is actually a lot of fun on New Years Eve. It is a festival of lights.... LAZER LIGHTS! That's right, after the magician who gains his powers from his magic beard is finished with this conjuring, you can see a laser light show. This may be the lamest thing I have ever seen. Its laser representations of bears playing saxophone, zebra's running through the plains of Africa, and hippos doing the Do Wop in the background. But at one point as the circus style music reached a crescendo, a giant eagle swooped down. And in the midst of my excitement I shouted into the crowd, "Look! It's the Christmas Eagle! God bless us, everyone!" And I'm not sure, but I could have sworn I heard a small child tugging on his mother's coat say, "Mom, what's the Christmas Eagle?"
And so, at my house there will be no Santa Clause. I will teach my children about the Christmas Eagle. If you are a bad little boy or girl the Christmas Eagle leaves dead mice and magical Christmas Eagle poo on your pillow at night. But if you are a good girl or boy, the Christmas Eagle swoops down into your room and bestows upon you a special Christmas blessing. He does this by chewing up the Christmas spirit and regurgitating it into the sleeping boys and girl’s mouths just as he would do to his own chicks. I might make a claymation video. Oh Christmas Eagle....
The rule of 2's
Rule of 2's: If a movie has a generic subject matter that no one holds exclusive rights to, it will be imediately followed by an other movie almost identical to it. Sometimes it seems like the same movie was filmed with different actors. Example: United 93 and World Trade Center were released 3 months apart in 2006. Example: 1492 and Columbus were released a month apart in 1992.
Rule of 2's: In harder math like Calculus, if you are facing a sample math problem in a text book the answer is almost definitly 2.
Rule of 2's: The second movie, or sequel, is always worse than the first unless followed by a third movie.
Rule of 2's: Having a pair of 2's in poker is a trap.
Rule of 2's: Two is better than one, until you cut yourself with a double bladed razor.
Rule of 2's: If one person wears an certain outfit, they are cool. If three or more wear the same outfit, they are a team. If 2 people wear the same outfit, they are gay.