Real Life Lessons From "Call Of Duty" part 2

One might say that when an individual starts to blend fiction and video games with reality... that person might be losing their mind. Those people would be correct. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. However, my eventual loss of a grip on reality shall not be in vain. Allow me to share with you a few life lessons you can learn from playing "Call of Duty" (online first person shooter video game) but you can apply to everyday life.
2. The More You Talk The More I Know You Are Lying.
When you play any video game online you can always pick out the noobs, cheaters, and idiots within the first five minutes. They are the ones typing things in chat about how awesome they are. Mind you, they are typing and not playing the game... which they are so amazing at.
In real life the same rules apply. A man just walked into my office and I didn't know him from Adam. Now, an hour later, I'm not sure if I know every single detail of his life story, or if I still don't know a solid fact about him or the reality he lives in. From what I could gather, this man used to make $3,800 a week doing something that involved him working on the fifth floor of a building. He owned a 1.2 million dollar home, and for funzzies he used to gather with his co-workers and literally throw money out the window because he thought it was funny to watch people fight over it.

Now, he is homeless and broke... wait now he has been unemployed for four years. He has no degree in broadcasting but wanted me to pray for him because he got an interview at a radio station. And if he gets that job, he is then going to go to Second City and become the next Dan Aykroyd. All his dreams will come true. He just needs some money and food to make it through the week. He went to the food pantry, but they asked him to do really ridiculous unproductive things like register for food stamps and government aid. He really doesn't have time for all that paper work being swamped with unemployment and chasing his dreams. And he loves God but really is sick of hearing that God will provide for him and doesn't go to church because of this unbelievable string of bad luck with churches (and trust me it is unbelievable). But his oldest who is 13 loves God. Also, his oldest who is 18 is an atheist. Rather than explain to him that the term "oldest" can only apply to one child being that the nature of the adjective is to single someone out, I listened intently to him talk about his optimism being so great that he was going to hang himself and that he and his wife loved each other so much they were thinking about getting a divorce. Things have been tough since he had to cut their cell phones back to a $180 a month plan and the "shack" that he is living in costs him in rent what I pay for our townhome.
Had this gentlemen played Call Of Duty he might have known that the more he talked, the more chance there was of screwing up his story. He might have guessed that it is better to act than to talk... then when you succeed because you were busy acting while others were talking all you have to do is point at the score board.

Real Life Lessons From "Call Of Duty" part 1

One might say that when an individual starts to blend fiction and video games with reality... that person might be loosing their mind.  Those people would be correct.  I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.  However, my eventual loss of a grip on reality shall not be in vain.  Allow me to share with you a few life lessons you can learn from playing "Call of Duty" (online first person shooter video game) but you can apply to everyday life.

1.  Don't Stand In Doorways (you'll get us all killed)

As I was leaving a well known department store I was halted right before I could exit.  There was a woman in front of me that had just stopped dead in the doorway.  Normally I would simply navigate around her, but this woman was of a particular size and shape that fits snugly in a double sliding automatic doors like they were made just for her.  I waited about a full minute before saying "excuse me" and pushing past her.  It was a tight squeeze and I had to shoulder check her just a little bit.  I made it through and could breath again.  Gasping for huge gulps of air I looked back to see what she could possibly be doing... you know... besides getting in my way and leaving the automatic doors open to let cold air into the store.  She was texting.  Let me say it out  loud... she stopped in the middle of a public exit to send a text message from a mobile phone.  From that point I managed to walk to my car, get it, start it, adjust my mirrors and fiddle with the radio and when I pulled out she was STILL STANDING THERE.  By this point a crowd was building behind this fire hazzard... I mean woman... and I thought I saw the mob getting restless.  It was only a matter of time before this woman was beaten senseless, and I didn't need that on my record.

Crossing Over

As the years go by I believe we are seeing a return to old times.  It used to be that the celebrities of the day were not just actors, singers, or dancers.  They were all of these things.  They were "Entertainers!"  They could do it all.  Lately, I think we are seeing Hollywood try to return to this... but as it turns out, celebrities aren't always talented... at all... like they shouldn't be famous in the first place (Cast of The Hills I'm talking to you).  So I have addressed some stars who "crossed over" one way or another.

Good crossover

Zooey Deshanel (who's sweet persona has been featured in a number of TV shows and movies such as "Elf" and "500 Days of Summer") had the good sense to team up with M. Ward to form the group She & Him.  This is smart for a number of reasons.  Because she is in a "group" rather than releasing under her name, she earns more street cred and doesn't have to write her own songs.  The album is not just about her, she just happens to be the front (wo)man of a group that features a musician that has been respected in the industry since the late 90's.  M. Ward is a genius and by having him in the band Zoeey can lean on him without looking like a teen pop star that can't play an instrument or write songs, but wants to be a star.

Bad Crossover

No offense to the two young aspiring calipso singers in this reality, but this branch of music seems to be the easy fall back of actors trying to be pop stars.  Paris and Hayden have already tried it and I just want to tell you before I have to listen to Shia LaBeouf play steel drums... it's not good Hollywood... it's just not good.  Better to bombard me with autotuners and beats so loud I can't hear the lyrics (Ashley Tisdale) than to sing me a song I would only listen to for 15 seconds over a 2 inch elevator speaker while I decend into a hotel lobby in Jamaca for my Jimmy Buffet themed class of 63' reunion.  Even then, people would wonder why that crap was on when we have Margarettaville we could listen to on repeat.

Good Crossover

Hey if you can sing, then some acting jobs are available to you, because the part requires you to sing.  The reverse is not true just because you act like a singer does not entitle you to an album.  But fortunetly for us Mandy Moore can both sing and act.  She is hilarious in movies like "Saved" and made great guest appearances in "Scrubs", but we have to attribute this great crossover to the fact that in "Saved" "American Dreamz" and "A Walk To Remember" Mandy Moore sang in the roll.  Good job Mandy...

Bad Crossover

I love this man.  He is an international sensation and is funnier than all get out hosting award shows and sketch comedy.  But "Alpha Dog"?  Seriously Justin?  It breaks my heart.

Good Crossover

Wouldn't you rather watch "The Italian Job" than listen to "Good Vibrations"?  Ok, maybe that is catchy... and maybe I'd rather listen to Mark Wahlburg talk to animals than watch "Max Payne" again.  But I think, over all, the acting is better for his image.

Bad Crossover
Any rapper at all...  Any of them... Ice Cube, Ice Tea, Cube Tea, Common, Dre, Snoop, Nick Cannon, Chris Brown, Lil Wayne... I'm talking to all of you.  Stop it.  Just because you can speak in rhythm with stunning lyrics like "I'm on a boat" doesn't mean you should act.  You can rap about owning a big screen without actually being on a big screen.
Adendum:  Exceptions to this rule are Will Smith and Marshall Mathers (eminem).  But in all farness Eminem starred in a movie about himself.  But the man can be himself very well, give him an award.

My Toss ups are as follows:
J.Lo - went from dancer on "In Living Color" to dancing pop star to starring in not so great movies.
Hillary Duff - it was cute for a while.
Lindsay Lohan - It wasn't good in the first place, so having a crappy crossover is the least of your problems.  Get tested Lindsay...

How Stupid Do I Think The American's Are? We Will Sell Them Water.

As Halloween quickly approaches I'm sure that women everywhere are scrambling for that fifty dollar scrap of cloth they pass for a costume and tools everywhere will do something unoriginal.  So I thought rather than writing my yearly blog about how stupid and fetish-based Halloween has become, I have decided to join the crowd.  So I have taken the time to recommend some costumes.(This will also be my first attempt at blogging with photos).

FOR MEN WHO LIKE TO BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION BUT ARE NOT LEAVING THE PARTY WITH A WOMAN

This is also a good costume for the plus sized woman.  The husky gals who prefer comfort over style and want a costume with a built in bib.

"Isn't this hilarious?  Where are the nachos?"

FOR IMAGINARY COUPLES OF NERDS AND SUPERMODELS

This is a costume aimed at a small amount of the population that exists in the imaginations of nerds everywhere or Bill Gates who actually makes enough money to convince hot girls to dress up like action figures or video game characters.

"I'm talking to a girl on myspace that would totally be into this... no, I haven't met her in real life."

FOR WOMEN WHO WANT TO SCARE THE $^%# OUT OF US

Why settle for the obvious when you can dress like the wicked witch of the west impersonating an umpa lumpa.  It has all the creep factor of china dolls with the immoblity of a one inch skirt.

"Could someone prop me up against something... I can't sit down or bend in anyway."

FOR PLUS SIZED WOMEN OR ALCOHOLICS

Going to a party and you don't want to add to those extra pounds, or maybe you shouldn't be left alone with the peach schnapps... get the costumes that keeps you from touching anything or anyone.  Bring a friend in case you fall.

"Dang, I forgot to bring a straw."

FOR WOMEN WHO WANT AN STD

The hands are grabbing the boobs... we get it. 

"I kind of want to dress up for Halloween... but I also want to catch hepatitis in a trailer."

FOR MEN WHO HAVE AN OEDIPUS COMPLEX

This is funny because the guy who actually lives in his mother's basement and hangs out with her on the weekends is wearing a cooler costume than you.

"So you want to dance with my mother in between us?"

FOR MEN WHO WANT TO BE PUNCHED

This "ball and chain" costume is also perfect for married women with no self worth.

"Honey I'll wear this cotume when your bare chest looks like that."

FOR PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN AN ALL-WHITE NEIGHBORHOOD

Nacho Sombrero sold separately.  Bring a multi-ethnic slur to an otherwise classy part.

"I thought this was a great costume until the police gave me a brutal beating."

FOR MEN WHO ARE BOUND BY MEGAN'S LAW

Why go door to door and post flyers notifying the neighborhood that you are a repeat sex offender when this costume says it all.

"I had to go door to door anyway, might as well get some candy."

I'm So Lost

Is it just me or is the world going slightly mad? Two things that make me so confused I can scream are slowly merging in my brain. The show Lost is a rollercoaster ride of watching flashbacks, flash-forwards, and the current story of Ben walking a tightrope of plot so thin even the writers don't know what is true. Maybe we will travel through time, maybe we will just move the whole island by turning the giant hamster wheel, or maybe we will kill John Locke again!
As frustrating as this show is, with all the action and no explanation, ratings are through the roof. And I'm forced to consider the possibility that the real world may be taking a cue from Lost. I'm trying to follow politics more closely but I'm so confused that I imagine any minute that the smoke monster is going to attack whatever whiny group is on the capital mall this week and no one will be able to explain it to me. I read that the president is being given a Nobel Prize for all his work disarming countries and working globally for the suppression of war, but after reading that he is sending more troops to Middle East and no one has disarmed anything... I'm wondering if the Nobel Prize was a FLASH-FORWARD. That can be the only explanation. I can't say, "Hey dude I'm going to write a book that will change the world!" and then receive the Nobel literature prize. So the only logical explanation is that this hasn't actually happened yet.
Then I read today that Obama told a room full of homosexual rights supporters that he is going to repeal "don't ask don't tell" and make sure gays can serve in the military and he is going to do it soon. However, he hasn't even talked to congress about it and the White House lawyers just defended the "don't ask, don't tell" policy against that very same group in court. I'm forced to believe this speech is either a FLASHBACK to his campaign, or a FLASH-FORWARD to a time that he has spoken to congress, convinced the military, and submitted legislation.
I'm serious that any day now Obama is just going to go to the sacred heart of America, pull a lever, and move America just north of Australia. This will, of course, solve the immigration problems with Mexico and some lucky Canadians will have beach front property. And when asked why Obama did it, he will get Kate to be hot and Jack to cry and feel betrayed and America will understand and tune in next week to see more stuff happen without any explanation.

If We Can Blow Up 75 Million Dollars On The Moon, Then We Can Afford 3 Easy Paments of $19.99

I think it is safe to say that at some point we have all seen the TV commercials or drifted to the shopping channel and lingered... to our everlasting shame. We are dazzled by the product and who wouldn't be dazzled by those practical devices that cut minutes out of chopping, hanging things, and washing your car. These are a few of my favorites that I would own had I slightly less pride.

Snuggie
I would own this gem in a heartbeat. Not only because it is soft and warm, but because I'm pretty sure it doubles as a white trash Halloween costume.

Point N' Paint
It claims you can paint a whole room in less than an hour! I'm only interested in it because it eliminates taping the room. I don't believe it actually does this well, but the hope is worth 19.99 and they throw in two sponges, an extension rod, the paint and the house...

Neckline Slimmer
Who wouldn't want this!?! After you sit around all day in your snuggie because you finished painting so quickly you will enviably get neck fat. That's right. You though those Big Macs were going to your hips, but now your goiter is cramping your style. This is the funniest device I have ever seen... I'm just waiting for this to become a Wii attachment.

Quick Chop
I don't eat fruit salad, make homemade salsa, or grate cheese. But if I did this would be the fastest way to do it. I would most likely use this to break up cookies to put in my ice cream.

Roll Up Electric Piano
Why wouldn't you want this? You can sell a jingle in a meeting, spontaneously serenade your girlfriend, make some quick cash while you wait for your friends on a street corner. Anything you do with this would be amazing!

Shunned

Lately, I have been reading books of both modern and ancient subjects, but one topic came up in both... shunning.  I have not previously considered this "treatment" with any regard other than something you hear about briefly in a history lesson about Quakers.  I gave it the same attention as churning butter or leeching.  What took me aback reading about this practice is the magnitude and scope that it covers.  To be shunned means that a group of people consider you as "non-existent".  They don't look at you, pretend not to hear you, won't do business with you, and won't talk about you with other people.  This seems that it might be worse than actually dying. 

So, in the spirit of excommunication, I would like to submit some people that, in my opinion, America should shun.

1.  Kanye West - I think it is time that Kanye gets the message that no one cares what he thinks.  We didn't care that he thought George Bush was a racist and we certainly don't care about what he thinks about who wins an MTV award.

2.  MTV award shows - Let's be honest, a contest for who has the classiest strip club would be more entertaining and family friendly.

3.  The Hills Cast - We get it.  You are hot and rich.  Although these are things that usually warrant attention, you have squandered our interest complaining about how hard it is to be hot and rich.  You may now suffer in silence.

4.  Jon and Kate Gosselin - Your powers are so great that you annoy me almost every day and I have not seen one hot minute of your show.  Maybe if everyone ignores you as TV personalities you can focus on being parents.

5.  Brangelina - I'm not suggesting we ignore Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie, but when they merge like the gay wonder twins in the Transformer Movie to form Brangelina they should become invisible.  The reason... I think not being able to put them on the cover of every magazine every month of the year might leave room for actual news.

6.  Oprah - I'd love to see her head explode after she ate her way down a shame spiral, because I don't think she could handle it if women started to form their own opinions instead of being her mindless cronies.

7. The Cast of Twilight - Maybe you are getting married, maybe you aren't.  It's not like any of us are invited to the wedding and wondering "So, should we plan to go to the wedding or go skiing with the Smiths?" so screw you.  You are stars of a teeny bopper fad based on averagely written books.  Even if you are not shunned no one will remember who you are in five years when you try to resurrect your career on Knitting With The Stars.

Things I Am Tired Of Hearing Lately

Feel free to contribute your own.  These are a few of mine...

"Well what I think you should do is..."

"You and your brother used to be inseparable."

"The cancer is terminal."

"I thought about pulling a Kanye."

"You just need to forgive them."

"Boom Boom Pow"

"That's not how you pronounce or spell that."

Here We Go Again...

First thing's first... Update

I have, so far, remained beyond the clutches of twitter.

The Yorkville Taco Bell has continued its reign of tyranny and cruelty as my order is never right in the drive-thru. (The issue persisting for going on four years now)

My grammar has been lowered even further (if that is possible) by incorporating internet speak in my daily life. Words such as "noob" "fail" and "leet" pepper my conversations like trash littering a very clever garbage dumb.

I have succeeded in being married for one year while neither killing nor being killed by my wife. Once Tyler moves back in this will most assuredly be out of the question as there will be a witness that could come home at any moment.

After almost three years of devotions and gifts my niece will not favor me above a piece of chalk.

I have returned to the blogging world.

Hindsight

The first girl I ever dated broke up with me after I spent three months dating, two years persuing, and one hundred dollars on a class ring she could wear.  It was sad really.  I thought it was going great, so of coarse when went to her house to pick her up and found out we weren't "going anywhere" ... let's just say I didn't see it coming.  I did what every man (of 16) does in that situation.  I got out of there as quick as I could with commits like "if that is how you feel..." and "no big deal..."  "...still be close friends..."  so that I could cry in my car on the way home.

Lately, my wife and I have been trying to console kids that we mentor through their respective drama.   It is just surprising how stupid and insignificant high school romance seems, but on the other hand... kids these days cut themselves, develop eating disorders, and commit suicide because they can't see past it.  Anyway it got my wife and I thinking about previous break ups and I was curious if anyone had any good stories they want to share.  Some of mine include...

1.  Breaking up with me the day after an "appreciation dinner" for the guys.

2.  I broke up with a girl and she thought it was because she didn't know who Weezer was.

3.  I broke up with a girl, then tried to get back with her, then wrote her nasty e-mail then....

4.  I told a girl she needed to decide if she was serious about the relationship or not.  I then broke up with her a few days later before she could tell me that she decided to be serious.

As you can tell I'm not very good at this...

Atypical Spring Post

The Latin lover "Fernando Ortega" has come to town and he has one thing on his mind.

While others may be confused by the "variety" of the weather we have been having, there is no doubt in my mind that spring time is upon us. I can vouch for the validity of this belief based on the twiterpation of the whore next door. Not three week after Tabby had her kittens, Fernando arrived. Spring herself (my neighbor) told me they were ready to have Tabby neutered, but twelve hours later the noises started. It was a very strange sound for a cat to make. So, like a stranger with candy, I lured Tabby into the house and gave her some milk. She seemed fine, but my ignorance was not in her health, but in her state of mind.

Fernando was not so ignorant. Out of the spring mists came the most hansom orange cat I have ever seen. What seemed like a sweet moment quickly became awkward as our window well become a den of fornication. With the coming of Fernando Ortega (as my wife and I decided to name him) it quickly became "Business Time". This time of spring love continued ALL DAY LONG.

It was not only embarrassing to hear the two exhibitionists but in a way I felt responsible. I felt like the neighbor's daughter was being knocked up under my roof. Or worse, in my window well.

Today Tabby was locked in the garage making all kinds of noises while the star-crossed lover Fernando hovered outside the garage door. Will Tabby get the operation? Is she already pregnant again? Will Spring tear them apart? Only time will tell.

Sucked In

This morning I experienced a cornucopia of emotions. Thanks largely to Eric and Yahoo I was brought up to speed with how the TV reality show "The Bachelor" ended. For those of you who don't care to experience it fully let me recap. The Bachelorette didn't pick him last season, but now wants him. He doesn't want her so he has to choose between girl 1 and 2. He rejects 1 and picks 2, but during the show recap now six weeks later decides he doesn't want 2, so he dumps her and tells 1 that he loves her. She takes him back, largely I believe this to be because she gets to give the "I was right/you were wrong" speech on national TV. What woman hasn't dreamed of that?

The craziest part, according to Yahoo, is the irony that the Bachelorette got her choice wrong and then the Bachelor got his choice wrong and everyone in the story got rejected at least once. I don't see any irony in this. This is pretty status quo in the normal realm of relationships. People get excited about shiny things and change their minds and it is your own fault if you keep taking them back. You don't need the studio audience to blame it on.

What I found ironic is how much I thought about this already this morning and I DON'T WATCH THESE STUPID SHOWS! Eric told me about it, then I watched the clip on Yahoo this morning and I have somehow been sucked into, not only a season of the Bachelor, but a recap of the Bachelorette. We don't even have TV at home.

All this proves is that in the future, there will be no need for full length TV shows, just 60 second recaps will be sufficient.

Adjustment #1

I must admit, I have been floundering in the blogging world ever since I have been in a serious relationship. Mostly because my blog used to be filled with my awkward experiences with the opposite sex. Not that they have stopped, but since I'm married most of the awkwardness is centered around my marriage. I didn't know if it was smart to blog about that, or if it would get me beaten at home. I have since procured permission from my wife, so welcome to my awkward marital adjustments. I will be keeping you updated...

Rules of the Bedroom.

Never before has there been so much ritual and so much energy put into falling asleep. When I was a bachelor I would simply stay up as late as my body would function and then collapse into my bed only taking up seven inches at the very edge of my queen sized bed. Since being married this process has become much more complicated.

Rule 1. We must go to bed together at least four out of the three nights a week. Gone are the days of going to bed when I was too tired to stay up. Going to bed when she is already been asleep is not going to cut it.

Rule 2. The bed must be made every morning. She has an OCD reflex that she cannot sleep in a bed unless it has been made. So if it is not made; she will make it, look at it made, then dismantle it and get in.

Rule 3. If a nap is taken during the day, it must be on top of the covers. We don't sleep under the covers during the day. You just lay on top of the bed with a separate blanket.

Rule 4. Once we are in bed there must be a significant amount of "snuggle time". Which is to say that I must hold her for no less then ten minutes and no more than twenty-five as she gets too hot.

Rule 5. Under no circumstances may I break contact before she does. When she is done with snuggling she will roll over. If I roll over before she is done, she takes it as rejection and the next day is not a happy one for me. If I happen to forget and roll over we have to discover the "reason I am mad at her" whether it really exists or not. Some times that "not happy day" begins immediately.

Rule 6. Even after she stops cuddling, some part of my body must be touching her until she is actually asleep. This usually is some part of my leg. So the resulting sleeping position is me occupying my seven inches on the edge with one leg backward extended over a gap of two and a half feet.

Rule 7. Saturdays are special sleep in and cuddle days. So when I wake at 8 a.m. like normal. I must not get up. I must wait until she is awake then cuddle for no less than twenty-five minutes.

... More rules to follow if we have pets or children.

Our 50 year aniversary.

It never ceases to amaze me, the questions people ask you when you are newly married are almost always uncomfortable. I'm not quite sure why this phenomenon occurs. Maybe it is nostalgia temporarily overriding your internal propriety sensor or just honest curiosity to see how everyone it different. But almost weekly someone, under the premise of making small talk, will ask me about my 5 month old marriage or my new wife. (Still Charissa)

My favorite is of course "So... how is married life so far?" they say with a smirk. My pat answer has become "It's an adjustment." At that point the women get teary-eyed and the men lower their heads and their broken spirits and say "Yeah... yeah it is."

Some of my other favorites include the following which are asked while my wife is present:

"So what are the annoying things you didn't expect?" -- Is this a trick?
"So is everything going okay with... you know... if you have any questions..." -- Oh we'll right now I'm working on getting to 2nd base. Keep your fingers crossed.
"Isn't marriage wonderful?" -- More wonderful than chocolate, but not as much as the Wizard of OZ.
"So are you young people doing something romantic this week?" -- Yes, Charissa is going to spend two steamy days at school, get away for a little while at StuCo and I'm going to spend four amazing days... leveling my Paladin by candlelight.
"What has been most difficult to adjust to." -- You mean with this perfect, amazing women STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO ME!?!

Seriously, we have been married just a little longer than it takes to grow a Chia Pet. Although depending on the day it feels like I've been in love and married to Char for...ever. I'm sure we have plenty of time.

Beware... This post is Stimulating.

Start the parade line up, stimulus checks are coming! To brave this economic crisis the government is going to give me a check to help me pay off my debt or give back to the economy by spending my stimulus check on more stuff I don't need.

The only problem with this master plan is that I have no debt and further more I don't need anymore stuff. I don't blame the government for this oversight, how could they know of my fiscal responsibility and contentment? I just feel a little guilty about taking it. Probably not guilty enough to send it back, but I will lose at least one full half hour of sleep when I figure out what I'm going to do with said stimulus check. Here are some ideas...

Put it in Savings. (boring)

Buy a monkey and then watch old episodes of Friends when Ross had a monkey. My monkey's name will be Antonio.

Finish buying the complete seasons of Scrubs.

Make a down payment on a motorcycle.

Finally replace the light bulb that is out in my garage door opener. (that has been out for 6 months)

Go on vacation. (Who wants Luc to visit?)

In reality I will most likely give this money to pay for my wife's schooling, which will not stimulate the economy, but I might find stimulating ways for her to earn the money... like making me a sandwich. What are you going to stimulate?

Magnum is here to see you...

It seems that lately the mustache is making a comeback. I think this, in large, is due to the popularity of ridiculous looking fashion and celebrities wanting to look like homeless people. Men arrogantly think that just anyone can grow a mustache. That is far from the truth. I have only seen a handful of mustaches that I would classify as "passable" in my life time.

The bottom line is that people don't fear the mustache as they should. The mustache is not a thing to be trifled with. The reactions that is causes are never mild. You are either that serial killer trying to make a good impression, or you are Magnum P.I. and there is no in between. I've seen mustaches ruin a look (I'm talking to you Brad Pitt), cause people to cringe, break up relationships, and take over whole countries. Oh, did you think that it was just coincidence that Hitler and Stalin had lip fairies.

Of coarse THE mustache belongs to Tom Selleck. I have never in my life encountered a mustache that is more groomed, more perfect, or more powerful. I realized this while I was watching the 1984 technological thriller "Runaway". This movie is bad. How bad is it? Gene Simmons (from Kiss) is the super smart super villain. But I was compelled to continue to watch for the same reason Magnum P.I. was a sex symbol. The same reason "Richard" on friends was so cool. For the same reason Mr. Baseball was awesome. And the reason movies like 3 Men and a Baby, Her Alibi, and Quigley Down Under were watchable.

My advice to you... don't grow a mustache. Leave that to Tom.

Continued: "Nacho" Not Your Day

It has been almost two years... two full years. I blogged almost two years ago about a girl named Laura who works at the Taco Bell/KFC in Yorkville who NEVER NEVER NEVER got my order right. Laura is gone (I can only assume that Muppet tanned herself to death) but the tradition of giving me the shaft lives on.

Here we are two years later. I have yet to recieve a correct order from this Taco Bell.

Fantastic Fecal Medical Miricles

The secretary were I work has had a disease for the last year called Clostridium Difficile or "C. diff" for short. It is not a comfortable thing to live with because it is basically chronic tummy aches with perpetual diarrhea. Most strains can be cured with ten days of antibiotics. Worst case scenario, the antibiotics kill off all the bad bacteria in your intestines... but also the good bacteria that helps your body process your food. Now you are screwed.

In order to put the "good bacteria" back into your body you need a transplant... not of organs or blood, but of fecal matter... poop. That's right. You have to have a "healthy donor" take a crap in a bag at the hospital then they make you shove it up your nose, eat it, or well... forcefully put it were it belongs.

I believe the obvious question is "Who pioneered this modern miracle drug?" I truthfully don't know, but I imagine it was awkward the first time this was tried.

"Well sir, we can't seem to cure your diarrhea, but with all this technology at our disposal we think the best thing to do is to shove crap up your nose and hope for the best."

"That is disgusting!"

"Don't worry, it won't be YOUR fecal matter... Bob the intern here has volunteered to help out. Apparently, Bob has good solid bowel movements. Plus, he was in a fraternity and has excellent experience at pooping in a bag. At first, we considered asking that B#$%# in Pediatrics that won't go out with me to do it, because she things that her crap doesn't stink. However, she seems to think this procedure is grasping at straws. But we'll show her, won't we Mr. Johnson?"

Wii are Watching You

My wife and I were really excited by the new Wii Fit we received for Christmas. Our Wii has been the bridge in our marriage between the "Gamer" and his bride. So I immediately set it up, we loaded our Mii's and created our Fit profiles. We weighed in, set a goal, and then left for three days to visit my family.

When we returned we realized what Wii had done and what we had unleashed. The following is an actual conversation between myself and my Wii Trainer.

Wii: Hello Lucas. I haven't seen you in 3 days. You should really make working out a regular habit.

Lucas: Presses "A" button in shame

Wii: Well, now that it is the new year are you back because you have a resolution? Are you ready to get serious?

Lucas: Presses "A" button annoyed

Wii: Please step on the balancing board and let's mark your progress. Oh, it says here you have gained two pounds. Please select the reason for this weight gain:
Not enough exercise Lack of commitment
I ate too much I'm Lazy
I'm constipated I'm not eating healthy
I broke my promise to the Wii trainer

Lucas: Presses "A" button without dignity

Wii: Oh, I see. Well you are going to have to try harder to meet your goal. Instead of playing balance games, why don't we do more aerobic exercises, this will burn more of your fat.

Lucas: Presses "A" button slightly unnerved

Wii: You know if you did these on a regular basis you would improve.
Your balance needs improvement.
Fight the fat!
Not bad, but maybe if you weren't gay you could do a proper jack knife.
I saw you eating that McDonalds in your office. That is going to cost you Fit Coins.
Please choose the reason you are worthless, fat and lazy.
Maybe you should buy our new game Wii -eating disorders.
Wii are everywhere.

Lucas: Presses "A" button in quiet desperation

I tell you, it has gotten to the point that I choose what and where I eat based on if I think the Wii is going to give my crap about it. By connecting it to the Internet, I have unleashed it. I buy junkfood in cash so there is no electronic fingerprint the Wii can trace. I work hard all day and have to come home to the TV turning itself on and the Wii trainer with his smug little pony tail saying...

The Wii has ended this blog post.