I think it is safe to say that at some point we have all seen the TV commercials or drifted to the shopping channel and lingered... to our everlasting shame. We are dazzled by the product and who wouldn't be dazzled by those practical devices that cut minutes out of chopping, hanging things, and washing your car. These are a few of my favorites that I would own had I slightly less pride.
Snuggie
I would own this gem in a heartbeat. Not only because it is soft and warm, but because I'm pretty sure it doubles as a white trash Halloween costume.
Point N' Paint
It claims you can paint a whole room in less than an hour! I'm only interested in it because it eliminates taping the room. I don't believe it actually does this well, but the hope is worth 19.99 and they throw in two sponges, an extension rod, the paint and the house...
Neckline Slimmer
Who wouldn't want this!?! After you sit around all day in your snuggie because you finished painting so quickly you will enviably get neck fat. That's right. You though those Big Macs were going to your hips, but now your goiter is cramping your style. This is the funniest device I have ever seen... I'm just waiting for this to become a Wii attachment.
Quick Chop
I don't eat fruit salad, make homemade salsa, or grate cheese. But if I did this would be the fastest way to do it. I would most likely use this to break up cookies to put in my ice cream.
Roll Up Electric Piano
Why wouldn't you want this? You can sell a jingle in a meeting, spontaneously serenade your girlfriend, make some quick cash while you wait for your friends on a street corner. Anything you do with this would be amazing!
If We Can Blow Up 75 Million Dollars On The Moon, Then We Can Afford 3 Easy Paments of $19.99
Shunned
Lately, I have been reading books of both modern and ancient subjects, but one topic came up in both... shunning. I have not previously considered this "treatment" with any regard other than something you hear about briefly in a history lesson about Quakers. I gave it the same attention as churning butter or leeching. What took me aback reading about this practice is the magnitude and scope that it covers. To be shunned means that a group of people consider you as "non-existent". They don't look at you, pretend not to hear you, won't do business with you, and won't talk about you with other people. This seems that it might be worse than actually dying.
So, in the spirit of excommunication, I would like to submit some people that, in my opinion, America should shun.
1. Kanye West - I think it is time that Kanye gets the message that no one cares what he thinks. We didn't care that he thought George Bush was a racist and we certainly don't care about what he thinks about who wins an MTV award.
2. MTV award shows - Let's be honest, a contest for who has the classiest strip club would be more entertaining and family friendly.
3. The Hills Cast - We get it. You are hot and rich. Although these are things that usually warrant attention, you have squandered our interest complaining about how hard it is to be hot and rich. You may now suffer in silence.
4. Jon and Kate Gosselin - Your powers are so great that you annoy me almost every day and I have not seen one hot minute of your show. Maybe if everyone ignores you as TV personalities you can focus on being parents.
5. Brangelina - I'm not suggesting we ignore Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie, but when they merge like the gay wonder twins in the Transformer Movie to form Brangelina they should become invisible. The reason... I think not being able to put them on the cover of every magazine every month of the year might leave room for actual news.
6. Oprah - I'd love to see her head explode after she ate her way down a shame spiral, because I don't think she could handle it if women started to form their own opinions instead of being her mindless cronies.
7. The Cast of Twilight - Maybe you are getting married, maybe you aren't. It's not like any of us are invited to the wedding and wondering "So, should we plan to go to the wedding or go skiing with the Smiths?" so screw you. You are stars of a teeny bopper fad based on averagely written books. Even if you are not shunned no one will remember who you are in five years when you try to resurrect your career on Knitting With The Stars.
Labels: Pop Culture
Things I Am Tired Of Hearing Lately
Feel free to contribute your own. These are a few of mine...
"Well what I think you should do is..."
"You and your brother used to be inseparable."
"The cancer is terminal."
"I thought about pulling a Kanye."
"You just need to forgive them."
"Boom Boom Pow"
"That's not how you pronounce or spell that."
Labels: Moody
Here We Go Again...
First thing's first... Update
I have, so far, remained beyond the clutches of twitter.
The Yorkville Taco Bell has continued its reign of tyranny and cruelty as my order is never right in the drive-thru. (The issue persisting for going on four years now)
My grammar has been lowered even further (if that is possible) by incorporating internet speak in my daily life. Words such as "noob" "fail" and "leet" pepper my conversations like trash littering a very clever garbage dumb.
I have succeeded in being married for one year while neither killing nor being killed by my wife. Once Tyler moves back in this will most assuredly be out of the question as there will be a witness that could come home at any moment.
After almost three years of devotions and gifts my niece will not favor me above a piece of chalk.
I have returned to the blogging world.
Labels: Update
Hindsight
The first girl I ever dated broke up with me after I spent three months dating, two years persuing, and one hundred dollars on a class ring she could wear. It was sad really. I thought it was going great, so of coarse when went to her house to pick her up and found out we weren't "going anywhere" ... let's just say I didn't see it coming. I did what every man (of 16) does in that situation. I got out of there as quick as I could with commits like "if that is how you feel..." and "no big deal..." "...still be close friends..." so that I could cry in my car on the way home.
Atypical Spring Post
The Latin lover "Fernando Ortega" has come to town and he has one thing on his mind.
While others may be confused by the "variety" of the weather we have been having, there is no doubt in my mind that spring time is upon us. I can vouch for the validity of this belief based on the twiterpation of the whore next door. Not three week after Tabby had her kittens, Fernando arrived. Spring herself (my neighbor) told me they were ready to have Tabby neutered, but twelve hours later the noises started. It was a very strange sound for a cat to make. So, like a stranger with candy, I lured Tabby into the house and gave her some milk. She seemed fine, but my ignorance was not in her health, but in her state of mind.
Fernando was not so ignorant. Out of the spring mists came the most hansom orange cat I have ever seen. What seemed like a sweet moment quickly became awkward as our window well become a den of fornication. With the coming of Fernando Ortega (as my wife and I decided to name him) it quickly became "Business Time". This time of spring love continued ALL DAY LONG.
It was not only embarrassing to hear the two exhibitionists but in a way I felt responsible. I felt like the neighbor's daughter was being knocked up under my roof. Or worse, in my window well.
Today Tabby was locked in the garage making all kinds of noises while the star-crossed lover Fernando hovered outside the garage door. Will Tabby get the operation? Is she already pregnant again? Will Spring tear them apart? Only time will tell.
Sucked In
This morning I experienced a cornucopia of emotions. Thanks largely to Eric and Yahoo I was brought up to speed with how the TV reality show "The Bachelor" ended. For those of you who don't care to experience it fully let me recap. The Bachelorette didn't pick him last season, but now wants him. He doesn't want her so he has to choose between girl 1 and 2. He rejects 1 and picks 2, but during the show recap now six weeks later decides he doesn't want 2, so he dumps her and tells 1 that he loves her. She takes him back, largely I believe this to be because she gets to give the "I was right/you were wrong" speech on national TV. What woman hasn't dreamed of that?
The craziest part, according to Yahoo, is the irony that the Bachelorette got her choice wrong and then the Bachelor got his choice wrong and everyone in the story got rejected at least once. I don't see any irony in this. This is pretty status quo in the normal realm of relationships. People get excited about shiny things and change their minds and it is your own fault if you keep taking them back. You don't need the studio audience to blame it on.
What I found ironic is how much I thought about this already this morning and I DON'T WATCH THESE STUPID SHOWS! Eric told me about it, then I watched the clip on Yahoo this morning and I have somehow been sucked into, not only a season of the Bachelor, but a recap of the Bachelorette. We don't even have TV at home.
All this proves is that in the future, there will be no need for full length TV shows, just 60 second recaps will be sufficient.
Adjustment #1
I must admit, I have been floundering in the blogging world ever since I have been in a serious relationship. Mostly because my blog used to be filled with my awkward experiences with the opposite sex. Not that they have stopped, but since I'm married most of the awkwardness is centered around my marriage. I didn't know if it was smart to blog about that, or if it would get me beaten at home. I have since procured permission from my wife, so welcome to my awkward marital adjustments. I will be keeping you updated...
Rules of the Bedroom.
Never before has there been so much ritual and so much energy put into falling asleep. When I was a bachelor I would simply stay up as late as my body would function and then collapse into my bed only taking up seven inches at the very edge of my queen sized bed. Since being married this process has become much more complicated.
Rule 1. We must go to bed together at least four out of the three nights a week. Gone are the days of going to bed when I was too tired to stay up. Going to bed when she is already been asleep is not going to cut it.
Rule 2. The bed must be made every morning. She has an OCD reflex that she cannot sleep in a bed unless it has been made. So if it is not made; she will make it, look at it made, then dismantle it and get in.
Rule 3. If a nap is taken during the day, it must be on top of the covers. We don't sleep under the covers during the day. You just lay on top of the bed with a separate blanket.
Rule 4. Once we are in bed there must be a significant amount of "snuggle time". Which is to say that I must hold her for no less then ten minutes and no more than twenty-five as she gets too hot.
Rule 5. Under no circumstances may I break contact before she does. When she is done with snuggling she will roll over. If I roll over before she is done, she takes it as rejection and the next day is not a happy one for me. If I happen to forget and roll over we have to discover the "reason I am mad at her" whether it really exists or not. Some times that "not happy day" begins immediately.
Rule 6. Even after she stops cuddling, some part of my body must be touching her until she is actually asleep. This usually is some part of my leg. So the resulting sleeping position is me occupying my seven inches on the edge with one leg backward extended over a gap of two and a half feet.
Rule 7. Saturdays are special sleep in and cuddle days. So when I wake at 8 a.m. like normal. I must not get up. I must wait until she is awake then cuddle for no less than twenty-five minutes.
... More rules to follow if we have pets or children.
Our 50 year aniversary.
It never ceases to amaze me, the questions people ask you when you are newly married are almost always uncomfortable. I'm not quite sure why this phenomenon occurs. Maybe it is nostalgia temporarily overriding your internal propriety sensor or just honest curiosity to see how everyone it different. But almost weekly someone, under the premise of making small talk, will ask me about my 5 month old marriage or my new wife. (Still Charissa)
My favorite is of course "So... how is married life so far?" they say with a smirk. My pat answer has become "It's an adjustment." At that point the women get teary-eyed and the men lower their heads and their broken spirits and say "Yeah... yeah it is."
Some of my other favorites include the following which are asked while my wife is present:
"So what are the annoying things you didn't expect?" -- Is this a trick?
"So is everything going okay with... you know... if you have any questions..." -- Oh we'll right now I'm working on getting to 2nd base. Keep your fingers crossed.
"Isn't marriage wonderful?" -- More wonderful than chocolate, but not as much as the Wizard of OZ.
"So are you young people doing something romantic this week?" -- Yes, Charissa is going to spend two steamy days at school, get away for a little while at StuCo and I'm going to spend four amazing days... leveling my Paladin by candlelight.
"What has been most difficult to adjust to." -- You mean with this perfect, amazing women STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO ME!?!
Seriously, we have been married just a little longer than it takes to grow a Chia Pet. Although depending on the day it feels like I've been in love and married to Char for...ever. I'm sure we have plenty of time.
Beware... This post is Stimulating.
Start the parade line up, stimulus checks are coming! To brave this economic crisis the government is going to give me a check to help me pay off my debt or give back to the economy by spending my stimulus check on more stuff I don't need.
The only problem with this master plan is that I have no debt and further more I don't need anymore stuff. I don't blame the government for this oversight, how could they know of my fiscal responsibility and contentment? I just feel a little guilty about taking it. Probably not guilty enough to send it back, but I will lose at least one full half hour of sleep when I figure out what I'm going to do with said stimulus check. Here are some ideas...
Put it in Savings. (boring)
Buy a monkey and then watch old episodes of Friends when Ross had a monkey. My monkey's name will be Antonio.
Finish buying the complete seasons of Scrubs.
Make a down payment on a motorcycle.
Finally replace the light bulb that is out in my garage door opener. (that has been out for 6 months)
Go on vacation. (Who wants Luc to visit?)
In reality I will most likely give this money to pay for my wife's schooling, which will not stimulate the economy, but I might find stimulating ways for her to earn the money... like making me a sandwich. What are you going to stimulate?