That sick feeling in your stomach

I almost had two anxiety attacks past week. One was from playing Doom 3 on X-box. I nearly had a heart attack at one point. It may be the most scary game I've ever played. There are just too many dark corners.

The second was a long time coming. I've been praying for the past year and a half for something that was missing in my life. I have always prided myself on having the ability to objectify anything. I can take myself out of something personally and talk about it like its just business. I have also developed some pretty thick skin. If someone said something hurtful to me rather than be hurt, I would just hurt them right back but take it up a notch to tell them to back off. I know just what buttons to push. On my personality test I scored 39 out of 100 on Mercy and Sensitivity. So I began praying for God to make me more "in touch with my feelings." unfortunately, God answers prayers.

I never realized how many feelings I would never allow myself to experience because they feel so crappy. I mean there are some great feelings out there, but it seems that some of them are almost unbearable. This is really scary for me. Over one year, I went from being a calloused A-hole, to feeling things very deeply.

The other night I watched the movie "The Notebook" with my parents. This is one of the best movies I've ever seen. And in the movie there was at least three points that were just heart wrenching. It was a freaking movie but I felt such deep emotion that my heart hurt and I started to cry. The logical side kicked in and I told myself, "It is stupid to cry over a movie" and "You don't want your parents to see you cry." like it is some kind of weakness. So I choked it down three times. By the third time I wanted to throw up, because now it hurts when it used to be very easy to just not feel it.

It's kind of a catch 22. I use the example (not that I'm bitter) but Molly was helping me and encouraging me to feel more, but at the same time she was used to me not being hurt by comments. So we would joke and she would say something that hurt my feelings and I would say to myself, "Why in the world would I want to feel this?" But then when I held Macy (friend's newborn baby) I loved that feeling. So it just sucks, but not.