A Lost Art

I have always wanted to write a book. Mostly, I feel like I make a lot of observations about the world and they are the kind of things that are boring to listen to someone prattle on about, but when you read them you say, "hmmm... I never thought about that." Then you prattle on about them to someone else. This is one of those such topics.

A Lost Art: Gifting.

I have observed recently that in an attempt at social comfort we have lost some of the social graces that made everything about those encounters... complete. For instance, when a friend has wronged you and they apologize, the response that you give to that humble act is, "Don't worry about it. It is nothing. It's not a big deal. Forget about it." and my personal favorite, "It's okay." This is done obviously to try to relieve the weight and magnitude of the climate and make your friend feel less guilty. However, what really has happened is that one friend humbled themselves to apologize for an act that was a big enough "deal" that it merited an apology and what they receive for their efforts is... Nothing. In fact, less than nothing. They receive a lie that says, "you didn't even have to apologize, because I didn't care." No forgiveness. No absolution. No closure. Incomplete.

And since it is Christmas time, I've been reflecting on the social graces involved in gift giving. Not just Christmas gifts, but gift giving in general. You see, I believe that more often than not people are better gift givers than gift receivers. And sometimes for no other reason that no one has taught them the proper way to receive a gift.

When you were about six or seven you started to loose the innocence of receiving gifts. Your parents brace you for the fact that some of those brightly wrapped gifts under the tree are socks and underwear. And they teach you that when you open them to say, "Wow! Thanks! I really need these!" Let's just be honest. Regardless of whether you did or did not need those, you would have pretended none the less. This training continues into the teen years when you learn about receipts, exchanges, and re-gifting. All of which are not exactly good gifting habits, but seem necessary. And somewhere along the way we loose what the true art of "Gifting" is.

I could write about this forever, but let me share some quick tips for gifting with you.

1. Gift giving is more meaningful when it is not a holiday. Gifting out of thought rather than "obligation" is ten times the gift.
- "I was thinking about you yesterday and saw this and knew you would want it."

2. When receiving the gift make sure you honor the gift. Look for the "why" of the gift. And then speak it out.
- Your grandma makes you an ugly sweater, but it is because that is the best she can afford and she did it with her own time and effort. So you say, "Thank you Grandma, this must have taken you a long time to make."

3. Learn to recognize your obligation to the gift. You are under no obligation but to honor the gift. A gift that is "repaid" is not a gift, but a loan. To "repay" someone's gift out of obligation is to unmake the gift and turn it into something less and cheap.
- If someone pays for dinner say "thank you". Don't keep track, don't get them a gift that is of equal value. Just give back to them out of your generosity. You might pick up the tap at McDonald's and they might pick it up at LoanStar twice. Say "thank you". Complete.

4. Don't expect something back from your own generosity. Not even a "thank you." Giving with expectation is not a gift, but a "payment."
- You will find you are less disappointed with gifting when you expect nothing in return for your gift.

These are just some quit tips, but the reality is that we have to shed the feelings of obligation and guilt involved with gift giving. Don't feel guilty because someone got you a Christmas gift and you didn't get them anything... Thank them for the gift. Honor their generosity, don't cheapen it. And don't throw away the joy of the gift because you feel guilty.

May you have a generous New Year.