On waiting...

I'm not quite sure what it is about waiting that makes it so painful. I'm sure that if new some kind of government secret, the kind that warrants James Bond having to go looking for missing scientists, that I could endure the torture chambers of any country on earth. I could be caned, burned, seered, poked, proded, beaten, and tenderized. But to get me to crack all they would have to do is give me a phone and put me on hold. In fact, I'm sure that if the Hitler would have had Kenny G playing in the background while a deep voice told you about the money you could save with a home loan, the war may have turned out differently.

I seem find myself waiting in alot of areas of my life right now. I'm not sure why I don't like it. Some people really enjoy it. "It's the antisipation!" They can't wait to see how it's all going to turn out. Usually these are the same people that look on the bright side of life and like going to the dentist because their teeth smell like bubble gum afterwards. For me its just a nagging. No, it's more than that. I imgaine that it is similar to the fear that sets in when one has alsheimers and enters those moments when they are unsure of who they are, where they are, how they got there, and wondering if it will be all right. It is stark terror mixed with utter despair, because it's out of your hands.

I wonder if it is just the notion of not being in control that scares me to death. To trust something to someone else. To trust someone else. To believe that someone will return your call, send you an e-mail, get that project done, memorize that music, not let you down, that somehow the great loving God of the universe will not let you slip through the cracks... that you're hard work will pay off, that she'll feel the same way eventually, that their intensions are good, that someday I'll find what I lost (thanks for finding my jacket Adam but now I lost my hat).

Not knowing is the worst feeling in the world. I would rather just win or lose. I would rather screw it up or make it right. But this waiting... its like life has put you on hold.