It's A Whole New Ball Game

So I went to the IKEA store in Shaumburg the other day. I have learned many things from this experience. Three of which I will now share.

One:
I love IKEA. I could buy every piece of furniture I will ever own from there, but the service sucks.

Point B:
In the store, I began to grow more annoyed the longer I stayed. (It wouldn't be my blog if something didn't annoy me). I began to search inside myself for some deep personal meaning for my agitation. I did not find it next to my inner child or near my feminine side. I did however find it near me and it was, in fact, female. Of coarse, the women were pissing me off.

Men and women have very different shopping agendas. We are led to believe that men are hunters and women are gatherers. This is NOT the case. Men have a clear agenda when they go to the store. They go with a mental list. They know their prey and hunt it mercilessly, kill it (buy it), and return home. In the process, they extend courtesy to their fellow shoppers by traveling on the right side of the isle and not parking their cart in inconvenient places. Men want the success of their fellow men. I fully believe that women are also hunters, but a different kind.

For men, the prey is the enemy. For women, the enemy is OTHER WOMEN. Men are only conscious of the objective. Women disguise themselves as gathers with no agenda... just merely window shopping. But really, they just take their time because they are watching the other shoppers. They pick up a blouse... a lamp... a hat, they examine it and put it back. Then another woman (who has been watching her fellow shopper) picks up the same lamp. Immediately, the woman who has just put down the lamp thinks, "I've just been stabbed in the back. There is something about that lamp that I missed, some quality I've overlooked." She returns and snatches it up. She doesn't want the lamp. She'll put it back before she checks out (most likely on the wrong shelf). She doesn't want the other woman to have it. She doesn't want to conquer the store. She wants to beat other women to the great deal.

This results in a variety of behaviors that hinder my shopping experience. I used to think they were not aware they were walking slowly in the MIDDLE OF THE ISLE. But I know now that they are trying to block my advance so they have more time to take in their surroundings so they can defeat me, when I'm not playing against them. If this continues, I think "full contact" should be allowed. I think a good shoulder check or to and people wouldn't be stupid enough to just stand around in people's way. At IKEA there were a group of women who seemed to be following me and picking up everything I put down. I thought about picking up and putting down everything I could get my hands on, just to see what they'd do. But the lesson learned is that men are hunters and women are secret agents.

And Finally My Third Point:
The game has changed. Not only is IKEA home of the great deal, but also home of the twenty-something single woman. This place is just crawling with girls... girls that wouldn't be described as having "great personality" when asked if they are cute. So, I make a stop in the men's room and did a quick check. I'm looking good (every man thinks this). But I attract no attention. Am I not looking good? Are they too busy shopping? So I pick up the lamp I'm there to buy. Heads turn on floors 1,2 and 3. Women run from other departments to check me out. Not really, but it seemed like it.
The girls at the store never looked at me when I was browsing. When I had something in my hand, their eyes shot obviously to my purchase. Then, after they evaluated whatever it is you can tell from a choice of lamp, then they would proceed to the rest of me. They didn't look at my clothes or my hair or anything else. They wanted to know: Did he get a good deal? Is he smart with my money? Does he have good taste? And God only knows what else they ask themselves. Now I'm all self conscious. Could it be that to meet women I need to go to the furniture store and just walk around with a tasteful lamp or a well chosen set of coasters? Truly, we are living in the end times.

And Knowing is Half the battle.