Tales From The Retreat (Part 1)

Being a man in a land of women is not nearly as provocative as it sounds... but it is quite interesting. I feel like a scientist who goes to live with the gorillas in their natural habitat. At first, I observe from afar. Slowly, carefully, I establish trust through imitating their behavior. Once I have put on a spa robe and made my way to the waterhole, I approach and eventually earn my own pool chair... my own spot in the group. From here I can more closely observe these incredible creatures.

Points of Interest: The biggest losers are honored.

From weight loss to social circumstances, surely the "last shall be first and the least shall be the greatest." The first night at dinner a game was played called "I Never..." Unbeknownst to the planner of this event, "I Never..." is really a drinking game. So when it was announced that this was to be the entertainment for the evening I got a little nervous. When consuming alcohol this species is prone to violent mood swings, increase in verbal activity, and the uncontrollable desire to drunk dial or send unintelligible text messages. While in the company of "the group" I always fear that moment when they might project their feelings toward all men on to me and I will be beaten severely or worse, trapped in a teary conversation with an emotional woman. (personally, I much prefer the beating)

But I stayed for the sake of science and played the game with my table. After all, I had some trump cards to play. The game is played like this: I say, "I have never......" and everyone at your table that HAS done that thing gives you a candy heart. So you gain hearts by finding an activity that everyone HAS done but you HAVE NOT. You of course, lose hearts for doing activities that others have not. I didn't fully grasp the game until the end. I figured I would win because I stated "I have never.... worn a bra... had a period." I collected two hearts from every woman at that table, while their answers were met with mixed responses. However, I did not win. I gave away a lot of hearts because I had driven through Iowa, visited Canada, gone to college, etc.

That's when it hit me. As the winning member of the group lofted her prize above her head and the other women half celebrated, half coveted this woman I was baffled. For surely this woman knew that the reason she won was because she had the least life experiences in the group. The way to win this game and be celebrated by the rest of the group was to never go anywhere, don't try anything new, and know the least amount of people possible. It all came together. Women want to have less body mass, women with back problems call the small breasted ones "lucky", and they give prizes to women who never leave the house. Less is more... unless you mean jewelry, attention, or chocolate.

More to follow on my dangerous encounter with women.