I don't really consider myself the "Mr. Fix-it, tough guy, grease monkey, tool totin'" type of guy. I consider my construction and tool usage knowledge to be... minimal if at all worth noting. I don't own or wear a wife beater. My hands are not calloused. I don't have a goatee. I'm not sporting a barbed wire or loony toons tattoo. And the hair on my arms does not appear darker because of the oil and dirt soaked into it. If I could say it this way; you're more likely to find me getting my nails done, than hammering nails.
However...
in the past five years, I've started to think that my knowledge (while remedial) may be better than I first thought.
Example:
While visiting a house rented by four girls I fixed a door. They were having people over and they have one of those doors that slide back into the wall. It was off the track and stuck half way. While other guys struggled with it, I simply walked outside to my Foreign import car (not my Chevy truck) and got my tool box pulled out my claw hammer and took down the door. The room was silent and the only reply was, "...you mean, you carry tools in your car? You just have them all the time? That is so cool!"
At this house I have also: Assembled furniture, fix light fixtures, repaired trim, and changed tires.
In these past years I have ripped out walls, hung drywall, plastered and painted, replaced a water pump, and changed numerous other car parts.
I'm starting to wonder if mechanical, construction and carpentry skills are just inherent in the male gene? Anyone need an addition put on their house?
Such A Tool
Customer Service?
This is my story... this is my song. So one of the lamps went out in the video projectors at work and I had to call Sharp Electronics to get a new one. This was over three weeks ago. And in calling for a new projector lamp I started a series of events that were to change my life forever. The days are a little hazy and being as I am turning 40 on the 28th of this month (26 rounded up to 30 which might as well be 40) my memory is not what it used to be, but let me go back.
I remember talking to a guy that assured me that the bulb he was ordering for me was the correct bulb and that I was mistaken about the model number... it was the wrong bulb... I had to return it.
I remember then receiving the correct model of bulb, but it wasn't working... I had to return it. (each of these bulbs cost over $500)
I remember (literally every time) calling Sharp Direct then being transferred to Sharp Tech Support and then being transferred back to Sharp Direct with the Tech Support person wondering why you were transferred to them in the first place.
I remember talking to a woman for ten minutes trying to explain the problem and her trying to convince me that they didn't even carry "that product" only to hear her finally say, " ohhh, I thought you were talking about a microwave... you know they have bulbs...but we don't carry them."
I remember interactions like this "Yes sir, it looks like you called here yesterday." "Yes I did. I called four times yesterday, three times the day before that, and five times last week." "Wow! Sir you are really patient, that is such a blessing in itself, you are so blessed." "..."
I remember my neck getting rapped in the chord right before I blacked out and then waking up without feeling in my left ear.
So now I have placed one more order. Maybe it will be right, maybe not. Maybe they will send me a working projector lamp, or maybe that nice lady will send me a new microwave. I am so patient, I am so blessed.
STFU
Just a heads up. If you ever use the word "heart" as a verb, we can't be friends. Just so we're clear... this is the case where some Jr. High prepubescent girl says, "oh... I heart those shoes." So if you are above the age of 13 and you use "heart" in this manner, we can't be friends. This also goes for actually saying out loud any kind of IM/Internet speak. In fact, if you ever look at me after I tell a joke and say "lol man" I will slap you.... I'm not kidding. I won't punch you, because only grown men should be punched. And if you say "lol" you must be a girl or a robot..
Are you a robot?
Clearly, this is "Nacho" (Not your) day
Right now I am so furious that you know what I am going to do?!? NOTHING!!
I stopped by Taco Bell on my way home. We have one of the those KFC, Taco Bell Hybrids. And by hybrid I mean that it has an incomplete menu from both restaurants and everything tastes like fried chicken. The past three times I have gone to this Taco Bell my order has never been right. And it is always the same girl... Laura. She is evil.
She is this girl that looks like she is about sixteen. She is tanned beyond all recognition. And for some unknown reason her lips are the same color as her skin and it looks freakish. She walks around with this dull look on her face like she is too bored with life or she has been smoking pot.
The past three times I have gone through the drive-up she has been there. Like a super villain ready to thwart me. For a month now I have been trying to eat a "steak grilled stuffed burrito combo." This particular combo pairs a steak grilled stuffed burrito with a regular order of nachos and is accented by a large drink of your choice. The three times I have ordered it the results were:
1. A CHICKEN taco supreme and nacho supreme with medium drink.
2. A BEEF grilled stuffed burrito and nachos with a large drink.
(I even double checked it at the window because I knew the price was too cheap. "Are you SURE that it is steak?" "oh yeah, it is."
3. And finally today I received a regular crunchy steak taco, and a BEAN burrito supreme with no nachos!!!! The REALLY STUPID thing is that I looked at the receipt and it says Supreme steak taco and they gave me a regular one. THEY SCREWED UP THE ORDER THAT WAS WRONG!!! And right there at the top of the receipt is the name "Laura."
I was so dumbfounded, I thought of going inside, but was afraid of what they would do next. So I took my food home and bit into the bean burrito and it was COLD ON THE INSIDE.
I'M BEING TAUNTED BY THE SPAWN OF SATAN... LAURA!!!!!!
I will never again visit the drive-thru of this Taco Bell. Because I know that given these past experiences, Laura will be working at Taco Bell for the rest of her life, or until she tans herself to death. Therefore, never again will my order be safe at this establishment.
Lent
The experiment has failed, but I count it a success. I had decided that I was going to give up red meat and pop (soda) for lent. So I started by going Monday and just having one can of pop. Then Tuesday I had half a can. Yesterday and today, I had none. Let me share with you some things I have learned.
1. I drank a lot of green tea (with citrus) as a substitute beverage. No one told me it was a diuretic. Today I suddenly (and I'm sure you know what I mean) had to poop. In one swift bowel movement I cleansed my system. I can't tell you what it feels like to be alarmed at the size and amount of the bowel moment you just had.
2. I am not fun without chemical stimulation. I feel like "fun Bobby" on friends. Who wasn't fun unless he was drinking. After the caffeine was out of my system I became lethargic and unfocused.
3. Today, I entered a state of chemical withdrawal. Which combined with stress at work and other crappy things this week, has launched me into a state of melancholy, and mild depression.
4. I went to bed early and got up late.
5. During the brief periods that I was lucid, I felt very healthy. I believe I have flushed a lot of crap out of my system.
I am drinking a McDonald's Coke right now.
I am done with this experiment. It was short lived, but effective. I am cutting back my pop (soda) intake permanently.
Man you got to really want it
I am just overwhelmed sometimes with the effort it takes to be apart of the blogging community. Just yesterday I tried to comment on a friend's blog and couldn't do it. With added security to screen for the random visitor or the spammer, to comment I have to log-in (now blogger requires your whole e-mail), enter my password, and try to decipher the security "word". And let's be honest. It is never really a word. It is always a random assortment of letters that is pure gibberish and is in a font so weird that you can't tell the difference between I's and L's or V's and U's or g's and q's. So yesterday I tried to comment three times and I couldn't decipher the security word. I just gave up. And the comments remained zero.
I would like you all to take a quick look at my comments. They are haloscan comments and not blogger comments. I have no spam, no log-in, no security word. It is easy as pie to comment on my blog and I never get unwanted comments. Or if I do, I just delete them.
If you would like to live footloose and fancy free, go to www.haloscan.com and follow the instructions. Five minutes of your life will save me more time than you could imagine. And then I won't have to kill you.
Just to clarify my sanity
I just want to put this out there.
Under the Category:
THINGS THAT DON'T REALLY MATTER
Who is the next American Idol going to be?
- do you really care about who the fifth person off the bench is?
Who won a Grammy?
- like this has anything to do with talent...
Who won an Academy Award?
- it doesn't matter you've never seen the movie that wins.
- nor is it any good.
Under the Category:
VALENTINES DAY
No Sprint, I'm quite certain the most romantic thing you can do is NOT getting your girlfriend a red razor and locking her into a 2 year joint cell phone plan... nothing says "I love you" like a short leash.
Under the Category:
ANNA NICHOLE SMITH
How did she die?
-Really? You don't know how a drug abusing alcoholic, who advertises for a diet pill company just collapses and dies? I wonder what the cause was?
Who will get her daughter?
- Maybe if you payed more attention to what is happening to your kid, than what is happening to Anna's there would be less drug abusing alcoholics, who suddenly die.
Under the Category:
TIM HARDAWAY
- When did freedom of speech begin to mean that you can say anything you want as long as it is what everyone else wants to hear?
- I don't hate gay people, but I can't stand the preaching of tolerance by the homosexual community when they have no intention of tolerating anyone who disagrees with them.
Pope Pious Maximus Timothy XIX
Despite the fact that I am not catholic,
I am thinking of giving up meat for lent.
Discuss.
Jumping, Jumping, Jumping
So now that it has dropped below 10 degrees I feel like I can finally blog about some winter things.
Jumping
I don't wear pajamas. My bedroom is above the unheated garage. My room is 40 degrees. Well, not really, but at 7:30 AM doesn't every room feel like it is 40 degrees. Well my room actually is... no that really happened. Every morning I snap awake in a panic. I wake up fifteen minutes before my alarm goes off (my body has trained itself to do this because my alarm clock is so loud it gives me a heart attack, so my body over compensates by giving me a heart attack before my alarm goes off) and I wake up in such a panic that my first thoughts are, "I'm panicking. I must have over slept." But even in the presence of that misinformation, I am reluctant to leave my bed. Not that I'm tired, but my nearly naked body will have to jump from my warm bed through the icy tundra of my room to the warmth of my shower, then jump from my shower across the freezing tile floor to get my towel, jumping back into the steam residue of the shower to dry off, jumping back through my room fast enough to grab some clothes so I can get dressed in the hall where my wet body won't drop into hypothermia, so I can jump into my cold car and come to work.
There are too many temperature changes for me in the morning. I don't even want to start my day, because of the giant degree swings that await me.
Jumping
I went snowboarding with my Dad on Tuesday. It took awhile to get used to my new board. It is faster and longer. But by the end of the day I was trying out jumps and grinding rails. To all those who don't know: longer board = harder to control. I fell on a six foot long, one foot wide metal bar.
Man I love this sport.
Jumping