Things Not To Do @ The Apocalypse

On the off chance that fire would rain from the heavens this weekend, there are some things you should probably avoid.  I know that might seem a little restrictive.  Usually when there is an apocalypse or a cataclysm or a general catastrophe, order and sound thinking are not in vogue.  The prospect of dying in a cosmic debacle doesn't bring out the best in people.  It generally makes people horny, crazy, and crazy horny.  But if the countless movies and books in the "Post-Apocalyptic" genre have taught us anything it is that there just might be a post-apocalypse.  So on the off chance that you wake up the next day, here are some things you might want to avoid during the end of the world.

Don't Have Sex
The whole appeal to having sex during the apocalypse is that there are no consequences.  By all accounts you pretty much expect to be incinerated during, going out with a bang on all accounts.  However, it is more likely that the building you are in is going to collapse and you will die in a much less romantic and very undignified position.  But once the fire starts to rain from the sky, many people will look for one last thrill and they won't be picky about who it is with.

The day after you survive the end of the world, (or what might have been an elaborate episode of Punk'd) you can expect things to be awkward.  You could expect a walk of shame except there is nowhere to walk to.  In fact you might be locked in a bomb shelter with a canned goods buffet and a troll who steals the covers.  Pregnancy and herpies aside, the last thing you want to have when there are only two people left on earth is "The Hills" style drama.  Don't let reality TV be the only thing that survives.

Don't Tell Anyone How You Feel
Usually when people have to say goodbye they get sentimental.  Under normal circumstances an average male is able to bury it deep, deep down.  Emo kids and chicks always feel like they have to cram a lifetime of love and rejection into five minutes of "You ruined my life... because I love you." 

Now, since the seven headed beast is rising from the sea, no one would blame you if you decided to break down and cry.  Might I even suggest soiling yourself or running like a little girl.  But whatever you do, don't bare your soul to your friend that you had a crush on, your friend you have really hated this whole time, or your dad that never made it to your ball game when you were a kid.  The reason being that once you realize that the sky isn't falling and there might be something to this global warming thing... you are going to have a lot to answer for.  Or just imagine that the world does end except... you guessed it... you two are the last on earth.  My advice, put it away and go out with some dignity.

Don't Go Off On Your Own
Rule number one on surviving a cosmic tragedy:  find a small child to protect.  If you can bank on something during this mortifying zombie, locust, nuclear love-fest, it is that the "powers that be" will single out a small creepy child that will save us all.  This child and its protector will not and cannot die.  It will not be allowed.  So, if you grab the nearest kid (it cannot be your own unless you are pregnant by an angel or some other holy sexy time thing) you have a shot at picking the right rugrat and being totally bulletproof.  After that, all you have to do is make sure the dirt smudges on his/her face are cute and wait for them to redeem humanity.

If at anytime you and this small child encounter a group of people who also surrvived, don't get attached.  The formula being, one will betray you, one is a zombie (or will be very soon), and the rest are there to slow down whatever might be chasing you at the time.  Yes, even that cute one that thinks you are so great to look after a kid who is not your responsiblity.

So let's review
If you think it is the end of the world and you need to scratch an itch, eat some junk food and go to bed early.  You might have to go to work in the morning.