Valentine Smalentine

This was probably the most fun valentine's day I've had in a while. Along with the wonderful girls from my small group (Shout Outs to Bre, Charrisa, Shelly and Kimberly) I threw a party at my place. I went to Wal-Mart and got Valentines, heart shaped candles, balloons and party favors.

There was a Velcro dart board you could use to play kissing games. There were dice you could roll to snuggle or you could consult the magic 8 Ball Dateball. I personally found the magic dateball surprisingly lacking in optimism about my dating life and life in general. But the most infuriating part is that the most frequent answers given were "I don't know" and "Why Not." Thanks for the sage-like wisdom. Kimberly took the scratch cards I bought and made a fun game out of them. We played some games, had some food (aphrodisiacs) met some new people. All in all it was a good time. It was a nice distraction.

But it was still a distraction. I wasn't even feeling bad about being single all day. I was so excited about the party. But after it was over it hit. I was standing in my apartment deciding whether or not to clean up in the morning and "Fix You" by cold play was on the stereo. It was only then that it hit me that I had no one to end the night with. Not necessarily that I didn't have anyone to kiss or buy flowers for, but in the end I was still alone. This is the first time in a long time I've felt like this.

Just after Lindy and I broke up, I felt like this because I was used to her being there. Whether we spent the day together or not, I knew when I went to bed that she would be there the next day. Then she was gone (admittedly my choice) but it was still hard. I was alone. It's been more than a year since I felt that way, and I don't think I was ready for it. It was just sudden and unexpected at 11:30 at night. I just had a half of an hour left, but I couldn't make it.

I don't think it is terrible to be alone; it just sucks to feel alone. I don't know where
I'm going with this... I guess I just wasn't prepared for it.