How Long Can This Go On?

Writing this has been on my list of thing that I "Cannot Do" for awhile now for a number of reasons. But I'm just so sick of it.

I miss her.

I don't mean that this is a recent development. I mean I do miss her, and I have missed her the whole time. I have days that I barely think about it and days like today where I feel like I lost a huge piece of myself. I can feel my heart ache in my chest. How long can this go on?

I just feel like if I pretend long enough that it doesn't bother me that eventually it won't. Maybe she'd date someone else. Maybe it wouldn't hurt so much. But I pretend it doesn't bother me, cause I don't want to doubt my decision. It was the right decsion. Neither one of us was willing to budge... where can you go like that? So, if I'm not okay and confindent then that leaves room for doubt... and I would rather pretend than allow that. It would be easier if she would just learn to hate me. It's easier to deal with when you are angry. Blame me for giving up. Call me and tell me I'm a bastard. She called and wanted to keep trying, but if she couldn't fully trust me before, how could she now? If she kept one foot out cause she was afraid to get hurt before, how could she be fully in the relationship after this?

I talk about dating other people like it would be fun, but really it's just cheap fun to kill and bury hurt. It's not fun. I don't like being "out there". I'm angry cause she was so damn stubborn! But I could have given in. I was just sick of it. Why was I the one who always had to budge? Why couldn't I just continue and chalk it off to love. "Well, if you love someone, that's it... you just keep working." Is that true? Then why did we both need reasons? Why couldn't we both just do things for eachother because we asked? What was she so afraid of? I was afraid of being my mother: bitter toward my dad cause he never budged, so scared of something that he never expressed love like she did, scared cause he didn't know what he wanted. So, instead of bitter, I'm heart broken. And I have no one to blame but me. I stopped it. Why can't I stop this?

Can I say that? Can I feel like this? Can I believe in my decision and hurt this much? It must be possible, cause here I am. I told myself that someone else wouldn't take me for granted. That someone else would be easier. Together I was so frustrated and hurt that I felt like she kept a piece of herself from me and hid it. But now I have none. Which is better? I'm not sure.

All I know is that I'm not okay.