Hindsight

The first girl I ever dated broke up with me after I spent three months dating, two years persuing, and one hundred dollars on a class ring she could wear.  It was sad really.  I thought it was going great, so of coarse when went to her house to pick her up and found out we weren't "going anywhere" ... let's just say I didn't see it coming.  I did what every man (of 16) does in that situation.  I got out of there as quick as I could with commits like "if that is how you feel..." and "no big deal..."  "...still be close friends..."  so that I could cry in my car on the way home.

Lately, my wife and I have been trying to console kids that we mentor through their respective drama.   It is just surprising how stupid and insignificant high school romance seems, but on the other hand... kids these days cut themselves, develop eating disorders, and commit suicide because they can't see past it.  Anyway it got my wife and I thinking about previous break ups and I was curious if anyone had any good stories they want to share.  Some of mine include...

1.  Breaking up with me the day after an "appreciation dinner" for the guys.

2.  I broke up with a girl and she thought it was because she didn't know who Weezer was.

3.  I broke up with a girl, then tried to get back with her, then wrote her nasty e-mail then....

4.  I told a girl she needed to decide if she was serious about the relationship or not.  I then broke up with her a few days later before she could tell me that she decided to be serious.

As you can tell I'm not very good at this...

Atypical Spring Post

The Latin lover "Fernando Ortega" has come to town and he has one thing on his mind.

While others may be confused by the "variety" of the weather we have been having, there is no doubt in my mind that spring time is upon us. I can vouch for the validity of this belief based on the twiterpation of the whore next door. Not three week after Tabby had her kittens, Fernando arrived. Spring herself (my neighbor) told me they were ready to have Tabby neutered, but twelve hours later the noises started. It was a very strange sound for a cat to make. So, like a stranger with candy, I lured Tabby into the house and gave her some milk. She seemed fine, but my ignorance was not in her health, but in her state of mind.

Fernando was not so ignorant. Out of the spring mists came the most hansom orange cat I have ever seen. What seemed like a sweet moment quickly became awkward as our window well become a den of fornication. With the coming of Fernando Ortega (as my wife and I decided to name him) it quickly became "Business Time". This time of spring love continued ALL DAY LONG.

It was not only embarrassing to hear the two exhibitionists but in a way I felt responsible. I felt like the neighbor's daughter was being knocked up under my roof. Or worse, in my window well.

Today Tabby was locked in the garage making all kinds of noises while the star-crossed lover Fernando hovered outside the garage door. Will Tabby get the operation? Is she already pregnant again? Will Spring tear them apart? Only time will tell.

Sucked In

This morning I experienced a cornucopia of emotions. Thanks largely to Eric and Yahoo I was brought up to speed with how the TV reality show "The Bachelor" ended. For those of you who don't care to experience it fully let me recap. The Bachelorette didn't pick him last season, but now wants him. He doesn't want her so he has to choose between girl 1 and 2. He rejects 1 and picks 2, but during the show recap now six weeks later decides he doesn't want 2, so he dumps her and tells 1 that he loves her. She takes him back, largely I believe this to be because she gets to give the "I was right/you were wrong" speech on national TV. What woman hasn't dreamed of that?

The craziest part, according to Yahoo, is the irony that the Bachelorette got her choice wrong and then the Bachelor got his choice wrong and everyone in the story got rejected at least once. I don't see any irony in this. This is pretty status quo in the normal realm of relationships. People get excited about shiny things and change their minds and it is your own fault if you keep taking them back. You don't need the studio audience to blame it on.

What I found ironic is how much I thought about this already this morning and I DON'T WATCH THESE STUPID SHOWS! Eric told me about it, then I watched the clip on Yahoo this morning and I have somehow been sucked into, not only a season of the Bachelor, but a recap of the Bachelorette. We don't even have TV at home.

All this proves is that in the future, there will be no need for full length TV shows, just 60 second recaps will be sufficient.

Adjustment #1

I must admit, I have been floundering in the blogging world ever since I have been in a serious relationship. Mostly because my blog used to be filled with my awkward experiences with the opposite sex. Not that they have stopped, but since I'm married most of the awkwardness is centered around my marriage. I didn't know if it was smart to blog about that, or if it would get me beaten at home. I have since procured permission from my wife, so welcome to my awkward marital adjustments. I will be keeping you updated...

Rules of the Bedroom.

Never before has there been so much ritual and so much energy put into falling asleep. When I was a bachelor I would simply stay up as late as my body would function and then collapse into my bed only taking up seven inches at the very edge of my queen sized bed. Since being married this process has become much more complicated.

Rule 1. We must go to bed together at least four out of the three nights a week. Gone are the days of going to bed when I was too tired to stay up. Going to bed when she is already been asleep is not going to cut it.

Rule 2. The bed must be made every morning. She has an OCD reflex that she cannot sleep in a bed unless it has been made. So if it is not made; she will make it, look at it made, then dismantle it and get in.

Rule 3. If a nap is taken during the day, it must be on top of the covers. We don't sleep under the covers during the day. You just lay on top of the bed with a separate blanket.

Rule 4. Once we are in bed there must be a significant amount of "snuggle time". Which is to say that I must hold her for no less then ten minutes and no more than twenty-five as she gets too hot.

Rule 5. Under no circumstances may I break contact before she does. When she is done with snuggling she will roll over. If I roll over before she is done, she takes it as rejection and the next day is not a happy one for me. If I happen to forget and roll over we have to discover the "reason I am mad at her" whether it really exists or not. Some times that "not happy day" begins immediately.

Rule 6. Even after she stops cuddling, some part of my body must be touching her until she is actually asleep. This usually is some part of my leg. So the resulting sleeping position is me occupying my seven inches on the edge with one leg backward extended over a gap of two and a half feet.

Rule 7. Saturdays are special sleep in and cuddle days. So when I wake at 8 a.m. like normal. I must not get up. I must wait until she is awake then cuddle for no less than twenty-five minutes.

... More rules to follow if we have pets or children.

Our 50 year aniversary.

It never ceases to amaze me, the questions people ask you when you are newly married are almost always uncomfortable. I'm not quite sure why this phenomenon occurs. Maybe it is nostalgia temporarily overriding your internal propriety sensor or just honest curiosity to see how everyone it different. But almost weekly someone, under the premise of making small talk, will ask me about my 5 month old marriage or my new wife. (Still Charissa)

My favorite is of course "So... how is married life so far?" they say with a smirk. My pat answer has become "It's an adjustment." At that point the women get teary-eyed and the men lower their heads and their broken spirits and say "Yeah... yeah it is."

Some of my other favorites include the following which are asked while my wife is present:

"So what are the annoying things you didn't expect?" -- Is this a trick?
"So is everything going okay with... you know... if you have any questions..." -- Oh we'll right now I'm working on getting to 2nd base. Keep your fingers crossed.
"Isn't marriage wonderful?" -- More wonderful than chocolate, but not as much as the Wizard of OZ.
"So are you young people doing something romantic this week?" -- Yes, Charissa is going to spend two steamy days at school, get away for a little while at StuCo and I'm going to spend four amazing days... leveling my Paladin by candlelight.
"What has been most difficult to adjust to." -- You mean with this perfect, amazing women STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO ME!?!

Seriously, we have been married just a little longer than it takes to grow a Chia Pet. Although depending on the day it feels like I've been in love and married to Char for...ever. I'm sure we have plenty of time.

Beware... This post is Stimulating.

Start the parade line up, stimulus checks are coming! To brave this economic crisis the government is going to give me a check to help me pay off my debt or give back to the economy by spending my stimulus check on more stuff I don't need.

The only problem with this master plan is that I have no debt and further more I don't need anymore stuff. I don't blame the government for this oversight, how could they know of my fiscal responsibility and contentment? I just feel a little guilty about taking it. Probably not guilty enough to send it back, but I will lose at least one full half hour of sleep when I figure out what I'm going to do with said stimulus check. Here are some ideas...

Put it in Savings. (boring)

Buy a monkey and then watch old episodes of Friends when Ross had a monkey. My monkey's name will be Antonio.

Finish buying the complete seasons of Scrubs.

Make a down payment on a motorcycle.

Finally replace the light bulb that is out in my garage door opener. (that has been out for 6 months)

Go on vacation. (Who wants Luc to visit?)

In reality I will most likely give this money to pay for my wife's schooling, which will not stimulate the economy, but I might find stimulating ways for her to earn the money... like making me a sandwich. What are you going to stimulate?

Magnum is here to see you...

It seems that lately the mustache is making a comeback. I think this, in large, is due to the popularity of ridiculous looking fashion and celebrities wanting to look like homeless people. Men arrogantly think that just anyone can grow a mustache. That is far from the truth. I have only seen a handful of mustaches that I would classify as "passable" in my life time.

The bottom line is that people don't fear the mustache as they should. The mustache is not a thing to be trifled with. The reactions that is causes are never mild. You are either that serial killer trying to make a good impression, or you are Magnum P.I. and there is no in between. I've seen mustaches ruin a look (I'm talking to you Brad Pitt), cause people to cringe, break up relationships, and take over whole countries. Oh, did you think that it was just coincidence that Hitler and Stalin had lip fairies.

Of coarse THE mustache belongs to Tom Selleck. I have never in my life encountered a mustache that is more groomed, more perfect, or more powerful. I realized this while I was watching the 1984 technological thriller "Runaway". This movie is bad. How bad is it? Gene Simmons (from Kiss) is the super smart super villain. But I was compelled to continue to watch for the same reason Magnum P.I. was a sex symbol. The same reason "Richard" on friends was so cool. For the same reason Mr. Baseball was awesome. And the reason movies like 3 Men and a Baby, Her Alibi, and Quigley Down Under were watchable.

My advice to you... don't grow a mustache. Leave that to Tom.

Continued: "Nacho" Not Your Day

It has been almost two years... two full years. I blogged almost two years ago about a girl named Laura who works at the Taco Bell/KFC in Yorkville who NEVER NEVER NEVER got my order right. Laura is gone (I can only assume that Muppet tanned herself to death) but the tradition of giving me the shaft lives on.

Here we are two years later. I have yet to recieve a correct order from this Taco Bell.

Fantastic Fecal Medical Miricles

The secretary were I work has had a disease for the last year called Clostridium Difficile or "C. diff" for short. It is not a comfortable thing to live with because it is basically chronic tummy aches with perpetual diarrhea. Most strains can be cured with ten days of antibiotics. Worst case scenario, the antibiotics kill off all the bad bacteria in your intestines... but also the good bacteria that helps your body process your food. Now you are screwed.

In order to put the "good bacteria" back into your body you need a transplant... not of organs or blood, but of fecal matter... poop. That's right. You have to have a "healthy donor" take a crap in a bag at the hospital then they make you shove it up your nose, eat it, or well... forcefully put it were it belongs.

I believe the obvious question is "Who pioneered this modern miracle drug?" I truthfully don't know, but I imagine it was awkward the first time this was tried.

"Well sir, we can't seem to cure your diarrhea, but with all this technology at our disposal we think the best thing to do is to shove crap up your nose and hope for the best."

"That is disgusting!"

"Don't worry, it won't be YOUR fecal matter... Bob the intern here has volunteered to help out. Apparently, Bob has good solid bowel movements. Plus, he was in a fraternity and has excellent experience at pooping in a bag. At first, we considered asking that B#$%# in Pediatrics that won't go out with me to do it, because she things that her crap doesn't stink. However, she seems to think this procedure is grasping at straws. But we'll show her, won't we Mr. Johnson?"

Wii are Watching You

My wife and I were really excited by the new Wii Fit we received for Christmas. Our Wii has been the bridge in our marriage between the "Gamer" and his bride. So I immediately set it up, we loaded our Mii's and created our Fit profiles. We weighed in, set a goal, and then left for three days to visit my family.

When we returned we realized what Wii had done and what we had unleashed. The following is an actual conversation between myself and my Wii Trainer.

Wii: Hello Lucas. I haven't seen you in 3 days. You should really make working out a regular habit.

Lucas: Presses "A" button in shame

Wii: Well, now that it is the new year are you back because you have a resolution? Are you ready to get serious?

Lucas: Presses "A" button annoyed

Wii: Please step on the balancing board and let's mark your progress. Oh, it says here you have gained two pounds. Please select the reason for this weight gain:
Not enough exercise Lack of commitment
I ate too much I'm Lazy
I'm constipated I'm not eating healthy
I broke my promise to the Wii trainer

Lucas: Presses "A" button without dignity

Wii: Oh, I see. Well you are going to have to try harder to meet your goal. Instead of playing balance games, why don't we do more aerobic exercises, this will burn more of your fat.

Lucas: Presses "A" button slightly unnerved

Wii: You know if you did these on a regular basis you would improve.
Your balance needs improvement.
Fight the fat!
Not bad, but maybe if you weren't gay you could do a proper jack knife.
I saw you eating that McDonalds in your office. That is going to cost you Fit Coins.
Please choose the reason you are worthless, fat and lazy.
Maybe you should buy our new game Wii -eating disorders.
Wii are everywhere.

Lucas: Presses "A" button in quiet desperation

I tell you, it has gotten to the point that I choose what and where I eat based on if I think the Wii is going to give my crap about it. By connecting it to the Internet, I have unleashed it. I buy junkfood in cash so there is no electronic fingerprint the Wii can trace. I work hard all day and have to come home to the TV turning itself on and the Wii trainer with his smug little pony tail saying...

The Wii has ended this blog post.