Why Rap Music Will Never Change The World

During times of global compasion brought on by a catastrophic event (i.e. Earthquakes, Tunami, Huricanes), one thing is certain; there will be a song.  There has to be a unifying music piece that is played in the background of the commercials for collectable coins, requests for donations to the Red Cross, and news channel montages.  The reason is that it isn't a disaster unless Hollywood says so.  Up until this point these songs have been power ballads or "singer/songwriter" sad piano songs.  Every once in awhile you will hear a reggae beat, an African choir, or an ignorant country song... but these are usually a mistake.  Not that we don't appreciate all the work U2, Greenday, and Sarah Mclachlan do, but I started to wonder why other genres aren't as successful.  The following is why pop and rap music will not unite us in our time of need...

1.  Most of the time the lyrics don't actually make sense.  Rap and Hip Hop are basically written in a sub-culture version of English that has a lot and I mean A LOT of pop culture references, but the message is unclear.

Drake - Girl You Know
I love your sushi roll, hotter than Wasabi,
i race for your love, shake and bake ricky bobby

I'm glad the girl already knows... I'm just not sure what it is she knows.  A song to unite the world must be written in a clear way that isn't contingent on seeing a movie that wasn't life changing to begin with.

2.  R&B and Rap music excels at being the anthems for parties even though many of things they are talking about... you wouldn't actually want to happen to you.  I will attempt to translate.

Ke$ha - Tick Tock
Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy,
Grab my glasses, I'm out the door, I'm gonna hit this city
Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack
Cause when I leave for the night, I ain't coming back


And now the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger

But we kick em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger

Don't stop, make it pop DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, Imma fight Till we see the sunlight

What I can only assume from these lyrics, is that this girls idea of a perfect day consists of rising in the morning like a black man, having very little to no hygiene, being homeless, dating old wrinkly leather-skin men, having a professional destroy your stereo, and then getting your teeth kicked in until the sun comes up.  Then it must all stop as we can only assume the sun has mystical powers to end fighting (maybe she is a vampire).  My point being, I think it is time that we admit that these lyricists are more concerned with rhyming than actually producing content.  If you are going to write the next we are the world, you can be concerned with making a crappy rhyme like (I can't rhyme world with anything but curled, Dang).

3. The third reason is what I like to call the "Dance Factor".  The thing that rock ballads, reggae, sad piano, bad country, and gospel choir music all have in common is that you are suppose to sway to it.  A good world peace/disaster relief song is performed in front of workers with candles with hands in the air swaying back and forth at a leisurely pace.  Even when Rap music dazzles us with political lyrics like...

Kayne West - Forever
Old money, benjamin button, what!? nuttin

Now superbad chicks giving me Mclovin
You would think I ran the world like Michelle’s husband (Obama Reference)

Lil Wayne - Down
Indefinitely, not probably
And honestly I'm down like the economy

... you still want to dance to it.  You can't have a nationally televised concert where everyone is crumping and the workers are sexing eachother up.  Bump and grind is not really inspiring.  Well... it is, but not in the "World Peacey" way.

Things Not To Do @ The Apocalypse

On the off chance that fire would rain from the heavens this weekend, there are some things you should probably avoid.  I know that might seem a little restrictive.  Usually when there is an apocalypse or a cataclysm or a general catastrophe, order and sound thinking are not in vogue.  The prospect of dying in a cosmic debacle doesn't bring out the best in people.  It generally makes people horny, crazy, and crazy horny.  But if the countless movies and books in the "Post-Apocalyptic" genre have taught us anything it is that there just might be a post-apocalypse.  So on the off chance that you wake up the next day, here are some things you might want to avoid during the end of the world.

Don't Have Sex
The whole appeal to having sex during the apocalypse is that there are no consequences.  By all accounts you pretty much expect to be incinerated during, going out with a bang on all accounts.  However, it is more likely that the building you are in is going to collapse and you will die in a much less romantic and very undignified position.  But once the fire starts to rain from the sky, many people will look for one last thrill and they won't be picky about who it is with.

The day after you survive the end of the world, (or what might have been an elaborate episode of Punk'd) you can expect things to be awkward.  You could expect a walk of shame except there is nowhere to walk to.  In fact you might be locked in a bomb shelter with a canned goods buffet and a troll who steals the covers.  Pregnancy and herpies aside, the last thing you want to have when there are only two people left on earth is "The Hills" style drama.  Don't let reality TV be the only thing that survives.

Don't Tell Anyone How You Feel
Usually when people have to say goodbye they get sentimental.  Under normal circumstances an average male is able to bury it deep, deep down.  Emo kids and chicks always feel like they have to cram a lifetime of love and rejection into five minutes of "You ruined my life... because I love you." 

Now, since the seven headed beast is rising from the sea, no one would blame you if you decided to break down and cry.  Might I even suggest soiling yourself or running like a little girl.  But whatever you do, don't bare your soul to your friend that you had a crush on, your friend you have really hated this whole time, or your dad that never made it to your ball game when you were a kid.  The reason being that once you realize that the sky isn't falling and there might be something to this global warming thing... you are going to have a lot to answer for.  Or just imagine that the world does end except... you guessed it... you two are the last on earth.  My advice, put it away and go out with some dignity.

Don't Go Off On Your Own
Rule number one on surviving a cosmic tragedy:  find a small child to protect.  If you can bank on something during this mortifying zombie, locust, nuclear love-fest, it is that the "powers that be" will single out a small creepy child that will save us all.  This child and its protector will not and cannot die.  It will not be allowed.  So, if you grab the nearest kid (it cannot be your own unless you are pregnant by an angel or some other holy sexy time thing) you have a shot at picking the right rugrat and being totally bulletproof.  After that, all you have to do is make sure the dirt smudges on his/her face are cute and wait for them to redeem humanity.

If at anytime you and this small child encounter a group of people who also surrvived, don't get attached.  The formula being, one will betray you, one is a zombie (or will be very soon), and the rest are there to slow down whatever might be chasing you at the time.  Yes, even that cute one that thinks you are so great to look after a kid who is not your responsiblity.

So let's review
If you think it is the end of the world and you need to scratch an itch, eat some junk food and go to bed early.  You might have to go to work in the morning.

Quality Vs. Quantity

My fellow blogger Tyler has been counting down the best and worst movies of 2009.  I have seen maybe half of the movies on that list and as I stand in front of the shrine to extortion that is known to mere mortals as Blockbuster Video, I can't help but notice the giant walls of movies I have not and will never see.  I have a few people I would like to blame for this.  They are in no particular order, as my outrage is naturally peppered with wit and not organization.

I Blame Hollywood. 
If you happen to have any unemployed senior citizens laying about (they might be refering to themselves as retired), shake them from their fourth nap and over a nice cup of Ensure ask them about "the pictures".  They will of course tell you how great movies used to be.  They can actually list all the movies they saw as a child and all the stars of those movies.  The reason being there were only twenty movies and ten stars.  Rent any movie from 1930-1950 and you will see the same ten people recycled into every combination they could make of them.  This might seem taxing on the actors except each studio only put out about two movies per year.  That is why your senile grandfather can't remember your name, but he knos Cary Grant was spectacular in that movie, because he was in every movie.  And when you are in every movie the chances of you winning an Oscar are almost a sure thing.  (Calm down Samuel L. Jackson... I said almost.)  But now since there are twenty movies opening every second starring the latest set of boobs to fall off the truck, it's hard to keep up.  Maybe if we tone down the number of movies and be a little more selective about who we call a celebrity (You know who you are) then we wouldn't have to let movies like Old Dogs take up space in the Theater.

I Blame Sony
Sometimes things are so good they change the game entirely.  Sony has made camera technology so good, so cheap, so accessable that anyone--and I mean ANYONE--can make a movie.  You used to have to have a budget, a studio, a crew... not anymore.  Now you just need a Handy Cam and a mediocre script and ZAP! BANG!  You win the independent film award.  I'm just kidding.  Sure that happens sometimes, but most of the time you end up with some toothless whino shooting Zombie Nazi Surfers IV.  Four of them you say?  You bet!  Straight to DVD shelves everywhere.  If you are lucky Steven Segal or JCVD will stop by for a days worth of shooting.  I'm exaggerating you say?

I Blame The Government
$9.50.    That is the price of a movie now.  $9.50  Not a 3D film or Imax.  $9.50  Just to walk into a theater the size of my living room and sit in a sticky seat that hasn't been cleaned in years.  $9.50 to fight Jr. High kids for seats.  And let's not even talk about the mugging that is "concession".  The word means to "yield to".  Yes, I get your mind game.  With every ten dollar bag of popcorn you get to slap me and force me into submission.  I would stay home and rent DVD's but...  $5.00 rents a DVD for one night (JUST ONE).  I feel a little bit of my soul slip away with each rental.  Which brings me to Obama.  Make my dollar worth more please.  And since we can't seem to get anything substantial done with Health Care... what about Entertainment Reform?  But before you get started on your new plan I just want to let you know that giving my tax dollars to movie stars and people who are already rich won't turn the economy around.  Spending money aimlessly doesn't make it worth more.  I only bring it up because of that whole "that's all you did your first year in office" little tiny thing.

Real Life Lessons From "Call Of Duty" part 2

One might say that when an individual starts to blend fiction and video games with reality... that person might be losing their mind. Those people would be correct. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. However, my eventual loss of a grip on reality shall not be in vain. Allow me to share with you a few life lessons you can learn from playing "Call of Duty" (online first person shooter video game) but you can apply to everyday life.
2. The More You Talk The More I Know You Are Lying.
When you play any video game online you can always pick out the noobs, cheaters, and idiots within the first five minutes. They are the ones typing things in chat about how awesome they are. Mind you, they are typing and not playing the game... which they are so amazing at.
In real life the same rules apply. A man just walked into my office and I didn't know him from Adam. Now, an hour later, I'm not sure if I know every single detail of his life story, or if I still don't know a solid fact about him or the reality he lives in. From what I could gather, this man used to make $3,800 a week doing something that involved him working on the fifth floor of a building. He owned a 1.2 million dollar home, and for funzzies he used to gather with his co-workers and literally throw money out the window because he thought it was funny to watch people fight over it.

Now, he is homeless and broke... wait now he has been unemployed for four years. He has no degree in broadcasting but wanted me to pray for him because he got an interview at a radio station. And if he gets that job, he is then going to go to Second City and become the next Dan Aykroyd. All his dreams will come true. He just needs some money and food to make it through the week. He went to the food pantry, but they asked him to do really ridiculous unproductive things like register for food stamps and government aid. He really doesn't have time for all that paper work being swamped with unemployment and chasing his dreams. And he loves God but really is sick of hearing that God will provide for him and doesn't go to church because of this unbelievable string of bad luck with churches (and trust me it is unbelievable). But his oldest who is 13 loves God. Also, his oldest who is 18 is an atheist. Rather than explain to him that the term "oldest" can only apply to one child being that the nature of the adjective is to single someone out, I listened intently to him talk about his optimism being so great that he was going to hang himself and that he and his wife loved each other so much they were thinking about getting a divorce. Things have been tough since he had to cut their cell phones back to a $180 a month plan and the "shack" that he is living in costs him in rent what I pay for our townhome.
Had this gentlemen played Call Of Duty he might have known that the more he talked, the more chance there was of screwing up his story. He might have guessed that it is better to act than to talk... then when you succeed because you were busy acting while others were talking all you have to do is point at the score board.

Real Life Lessons From "Call Of Duty" part 1

One might say that when an individual starts to blend fiction and video games with reality... that person might be loosing their mind.  Those people would be correct.  I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.  However, my eventual loss of a grip on reality shall not be in vain.  Allow me to share with you a few life lessons you can learn from playing "Call of Duty" (online first person shooter video game) but you can apply to everyday life.

1.  Don't Stand In Doorways (you'll get us all killed)

As I was leaving a well known department store I was halted right before I could exit.  There was a woman in front of me that had just stopped dead in the doorway.  Normally I would simply navigate around her, but this woman was of a particular size and shape that fits snugly in a double sliding automatic doors like they were made just for her.  I waited about a full minute before saying "excuse me" and pushing past her.  It was a tight squeeze and I had to shoulder check her just a little bit.  I made it through and could breath again.  Gasping for huge gulps of air I looked back to see what she could possibly be doing... you know... besides getting in my way and leaving the automatic doors open to let cold air into the store.  She was texting.  Let me say it out  loud... she stopped in the middle of a public exit to send a text message from a mobile phone.  From that point I managed to walk to my car, get it, start it, adjust my mirrors and fiddle with the radio and when I pulled out she was STILL STANDING THERE.  By this point a crowd was building behind this fire hazzard... I mean woman... and I thought I saw the mob getting restless.  It was only a matter of time before this woman was beaten senseless, and I didn't need that on my record.

Crossing Over

As the years go by I believe we are seeing a return to old times.  It used to be that the celebrities of the day were not just actors, singers, or dancers.  They were all of these things.  They were "Entertainers!"  They could do it all.  Lately, I think we are seeing Hollywood try to return to this... but as it turns out, celebrities aren't always talented... at all... like they shouldn't be famous in the first place (Cast of The Hills I'm talking to you).  So I have addressed some stars who "crossed over" one way or another.

Good crossover

Zooey Deshanel (who's sweet persona has been featured in a number of TV shows and movies such as "Elf" and "500 Days of Summer") had the good sense to team up with M. Ward to form the group She & Him.  This is smart for a number of reasons.  Because she is in a "group" rather than releasing under her name, she earns more street cred and doesn't have to write her own songs.  The album is not just about her, she just happens to be the front (wo)man of a group that features a musician that has been respected in the industry since the late 90's.  M. Ward is a genius and by having him in the band Zoeey can lean on him without looking like a teen pop star that can't play an instrument or write songs, but wants to be a star.

Bad Crossover

No offense to the two young aspiring calipso singers in this reality, but this branch of music seems to be the easy fall back of actors trying to be pop stars.  Paris and Hayden have already tried it and I just want to tell you before I have to listen to Shia LaBeouf play steel drums... it's not good Hollywood... it's just not good.  Better to bombard me with autotuners and beats so loud I can't hear the lyrics (Ashley Tisdale) than to sing me a song I would only listen to for 15 seconds over a 2 inch elevator speaker while I decend into a hotel lobby in Jamaca for my Jimmy Buffet themed class of 63' reunion.  Even then, people would wonder why that crap was on when we have Margarettaville we could listen to on repeat.

Good Crossover

Hey if you can sing, then some acting jobs are available to you, because the part requires you to sing.  The reverse is not true just because you act like a singer does not entitle you to an album.  But fortunetly for us Mandy Moore can both sing and act.  She is hilarious in movies like "Saved" and made great guest appearances in "Scrubs", but we have to attribute this great crossover to the fact that in "Saved" "American Dreamz" and "A Walk To Remember" Mandy Moore sang in the roll.  Good job Mandy...

Bad Crossover

I love this man.  He is an international sensation and is funnier than all get out hosting award shows and sketch comedy.  But "Alpha Dog"?  Seriously Justin?  It breaks my heart.

Good Crossover

Wouldn't you rather watch "The Italian Job" than listen to "Good Vibrations"?  Ok, maybe that is catchy... and maybe I'd rather listen to Mark Wahlburg talk to animals than watch "Max Payne" again.  But I think, over all, the acting is better for his image.

Bad Crossover
Any rapper at all...  Any of them... Ice Cube, Ice Tea, Cube Tea, Common, Dre, Snoop, Nick Cannon, Chris Brown, Lil Wayne... I'm talking to all of you.  Stop it.  Just because you can speak in rhythm with stunning lyrics like "I'm on a boat" doesn't mean you should act.  You can rap about owning a big screen without actually being on a big screen.
Adendum:  Exceptions to this rule are Will Smith and Marshall Mathers (eminem).  But in all farness Eminem starred in a movie about himself.  But the man can be himself very well, give him an award.

My Toss ups are as follows:
J.Lo - went from dancer on "In Living Color" to dancing pop star to starring in not so great movies.
Hillary Duff - it was cute for a while.
Lindsay Lohan - It wasn't good in the first place, so having a crappy crossover is the least of your problems.  Get tested Lindsay...

How Stupid Do I Think The American's Are? We Will Sell Them Water.

As Halloween quickly approaches I'm sure that women everywhere are scrambling for that fifty dollar scrap of cloth they pass for a costume and tools everywhere will do something unoriginal.  So I thought rather than writing my yearly blog about how stupid and fetish-based Halloween has become, I have decided to join the crowd.  So I have taken the time to recommend some costumes.(This will also be my first attempt at blogging with photos).

FOR MEN WHO LIKE TO BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION BUT ARE NOT LEAVING THE PARTY WITH A WOMAN

This is also a good costume for the plus sized woman.  The husky gals who prefer comfort over style and want a costume with a built in bib.

"Isn't this hilarious?  Where are the nachos?"

FOR IMAGINARY COUPLES OF NERDS AND SUPERMODELS

This is a costume aimed at a small amount of the population that exists in the imaginations of nerds everywhere or Bill Gates who actually makes enough money to convince hot girls to dress up like action figures or video game characters.

"I'm talking to a girl on myspace that would totally be into this... no, I haven't met her in real life."

FOR WOMEN WHO WANT TO SCARE THE $^%# OUT OF US

Why settle for the obvious when you can dress like the wicked witch of the west impersonating an umpa lumpa.  It has all the creep factor of china dolls with the immoblity of a one inch skirt.

"Could someone prop me up against something... I can't sit down or bend in anyway."

FOR PLUS SIZED WOMEN OR ALCOHOLICS

Going to a party and you don't want to add to those extra pounds, or maybe you shouldn't be left alone with the peach schnapps... get the costumes that keeps you from touching anything or anyone.  Bring a friend in case you fall.

"Dang, I forgot to bring a straw."

FOR WOMEN WHO WANT AN STD

The hands are grabbing the boobs... we get it. 

"I kind of want to dress up for Halloween... but I also want to catch hepatitis in a trailer."

FOR MEN WHO HAVE AN OEDIPUS COMPLEX

This is funny because the guy who actually lives in his mother's basement and hangs out with her on the weekends is wearing a cooler costume than you.

"So you want to dance with my mother in between us?"

FOR MEN WHO WANT TO BE PUNCHED

This "ball and chain" costume is also perfect for married women with no self worth.

"Honey I'll wear this cotume when your bare chest looks like that."

FOR PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN AN ALL-WHITE NEIGHBORHOOD

Nacho Sombrero sold separately.  Bring a multi-ethnic slur to an otherwise classy part.

"I thought this was a great costume until the police gave me a brutal beating."

FOR MEN WHO ARE BOUND BY MEGAN'S LAW

Why go door to door and post flyers notifying the neighborhood that you are a repeat sex offender when this costume says it all.

"I had to go door to door anyway, might as well get some candy."

I'm So Lost

Is it just me or is the world going slightly mad? Two things that make me so confused I can scream are slowly merging in my brain. The show Lost is a rollercoaster ride of watching flashbacks, flash-forwards, and the current story of Ben walking a tightrope of plot so thin even the writers don't know what is true. Maybe we will travel through time, maybe we will just move the whole island by turning the giant hamster wheel, or maybe we will kill John Locke again!
As frustrating as this show is, with all the action and no explanation, ratings are through the roof. And I'm forced to consider the possibility that the real world may be taking a cue from Lost. I'm trying to follow politics more closely but I'm so confused that I imagine any minute that the smoke monster is going to attack whatever whiny group is on the capital mall this week and no one will be able to explain it to me. I read that the president is being given a Nobel Prize for all his work disarming countries and working globally for the suppression of war, but after reading that he is sending more troops to Middle East and no one has disarmed anything... I'm wondering if the Nobel Prize was a FLASH-FORWARD. That can be the only explanation. I can't say, "Hey dude I'm going to write a book that will change the world!" and then receive the Nobel literature prize. So the only logical explanation is that this hasn't actually happened yet.
Then I read today that Obama told a room full of homosexual rights supporters that he is going to repeal "don't ask don't tell" and make sure gays can serve in the military and he is going to do it soon. However, he hasn't even talked to congress about it and the White House lawyers just defended the "don't ask, don't tell" policy against that very same group in court. I'm forced to believe this speech is either a FLASHBACK to his campaign, or a FLASH-FORWARD to a time that he has spoken to congress, convinced the military, and submitted legislation.
I'm serious that any day now Obama is just going to go to the sacred heart of America, pull a lever, and move America just north of Australia. This will, of course, solve the immigration problems with Mexico and some lucky Canadians will have beach front property. And when asked why Obama did it, he will get Kate to be hot and Jack to cry and feel betrayed and America will understand and tune in next week to see more stuff happen without any explanation.

If We Can Blow Up 75 Million Dollars On The Moon, Then We Can Afford 3 Easy Paments of $19.99

I think it is safe to say that at some point we have all seen the TV commercials or drifted to the shopping channel and lingered... to our everlasting shame. We are dazzled by the product and who wouldn't be dazzled by those practical devices that cut minutes out of chopping, hanging things, and washing your car. These are a few of my favorites that I would own had I slightly less pride.

Snuggie
I would own this gem in a heartbeat. Not only because it is soft and warm, but because I'm pretty sure it doubles as a white trash Halloween costume.

Point N' Paint
It claims you can paint a whole room in less than an hour! I'm only interested in it because it eliminates taping the room. I don't believe it actually does this well, but the hope is worth 19.99 and they throw in two sponges, an extension rod, the paint and the house...

Neckline Slimmer
Who wouldn't want this!?! After you sit around all day in your snuggie because you finished painting so quickly you will enviably get neck fat. That's right. You though those Big Macs were going to your hips, but now your goiter is cramping your style. This is the funniest device I have ever seen... I'm just waiting for this to become a Wii attachment.

Quick Chop
I don't eat fruit salad, make homemade salsa, or grate cheese. But if I did this would be the fastest way to do it. I would most likely use this to break up cookies to put in my ice cream.

Roll Up Electric Piano
Why wouldn't you want this? You can sell a jingle in a meeting, spontaneously serenade your girlfriend, make some quick cash while you wait for your friends on a street corner. Anything you do with this would be amazing!

Shunned

Lately, I have been reading books of both modern and ancient subjects, but one topic came up in both... shunning.  I have not previously considered this "treatment" with any regard other than something you hear about briefly in a history lesson about Quakers.  I gave it the same attention as churning butter or leeching.  What took me aback reading about this practice is the magnitude and scope that it covers.  To be shunned means that a group of people consider you as "non-existent".  They don't look at you, pretend not to hear you, won't do business with you, and won't talk about you with other people.  This seems that it might be worse than actually dying. 

So, in the spirit of excommunication, I would like to submit some people that, in my opinion, America should shun.

1.  Kanye West - I think it is time that Kanye gets the message that no one cares what he thinks.  We didn't care that he thought George Bush was a racist and we certainly don't care about what he thinks about who wins an MTV award.

2.  MTV award shows - Let's be honest, a contest for who has the classiest strip club would be more entertaining and family friendly.

3.  The Hills Cast - We get it.  You are hot and rich.  Although these are things that usually warrant attention, you have squandered our interest complaining about how hard it is to be hot and rich.  You may now suffer in silence.

4.  Jon and Kate Gosselin - Your powers are so great that you annoy me almost every day and I have not seen one hot minute of your show.  Maybe if everyone ignores you as TV personalities you can focus on being parents.

5.  Brangelina - I'm not suggesting we ignore Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie, but when they merge like the gay wonder twins in the Transformer Movie to form Brangelina they should become invisible.  The reason... I think not being able to put them on the cover of every magazine every month of the year might leave room for actual news.

6.  Oprah - I'd love to see her head explode after she ate her way down a shame spiral, because I don't think she could handle it if women started to form their own opinions instead of being her mindless cronies.

7. The Cast of Twilight - Maybe you are getting married, maybe you aren't.  It's not like any of us are invited to the wedding and wondering "So, should we plan to go to the wedding or go skiing with the Smiths?" so screw you.  You are stars of a teeny bopper fad based on averagely written books.  Even if you are not shunned no one will remember who you are in five years when you try to resurrect your career on Knitting With The Stars.