@ PETA

Get a life.



In the news today, PETA is going after the Wimbleton Tournament because they hired marksman to shoot pidgeons. The Tournament actually has pet hawks that scare away most of the pidgeons, but a few slipped through and were landing on the tennis courts and food courts. So, they killed them. They killed the pidgeons, the birds nicknamed "rats with wings." And poor little PETA thinks that is cruel. So I would like to say some things to PETA on behalf of the people of America that agree with me.



1. Why are you even watching tennis?



2. Pidgeons are one of the most disgusting, disease carrying animals and they were in the food court. It is a health issue, and who cares if we kill three... there are billions of them.



3. They are not torturing the birds... they just shoot them. It is more humane than the electric chair... that we strap humans to.



4. No body likes you. Anyone who is not a card-carrying member of PETA thinks you are rediculous. Why? Of all the issues in the world today, the PEOPLE dying all over the world... you are concerned with pidgeons.



5. Get a life. That is all.

Hybrids....and why I'm being screwed by the ones I trusted.

Over the coarse of the four years I have owned my Toyota Matrix, I have fallen in love with it. It is more than just the normal maintenance, love/hate relationship every man inherently has with his vehicle. There is just something there between a man and his car that is different from the connection a woman has with her car. He doesn't even have to be a "car guy" to have this tangled web of loathing and love for the vehicle he has been through so much with. But on the other hand, my relationship with The Matrix borders on unhealthy.

In fact, I refer to it as "The Matrix" and probably don't go one week with out vocalizing to someone (usually Charissa) about being genuinely impressed by it. The head room, the versatility, the cargo room, the sleek design, and the wall outlet on my dashboard... these are just a few of my favorite things.

But Alas, I'm not what you would consider a "good driver" and The Matrix has taken some scrapes here and there. So I took it to Toyota, the makers who introduced the two of us and they stroked The Matrix lovingly and said, "We can fix her... make her whole again. And we can do it for around $700." I agreed and then left in a rental Prius Hybrid.

I really don't like this car. Hybrid or not, its like driving a golf cart. It is so unsafe. The blind spots are terrible and the climate control is overbearing, but I can't take my eyes off the touch screen on the dash. It shows me the current MPG I'm getting at all times. I'm not even watching the roads or the speed limits, just the screen. It's like a video game. The better MPG, the higher the score. And when I only put 5 gallons of gas in it... that was 3/4 of a tank. Glory sweet glory.

The Matrix is still not fixed... and Toyota is sicking it to me with a bill that is almost double what they started with. I started off mad. But now I feel like a parent with a child held for ransom. "I'll pay anything you want, just bring The Matrix home... just bring it home." God, I'm sick.

Combo points

"I'm afraid if I tell you what it is... you won't even try it." - Dr. Hannibal Lector

As I sojourn on this earth, I find my self eating food that appears strange, maybe even repulsive, yet turns out to be pleasantly surprising. There are a number of strange dishes I have tried, but I'm fascinated most by the dishes resulting in the combination of two unlikely heroes. The odd couple de jour so to speak.

Today I ate my Wendy's fries (which are not particularly great) with a chocolate frostie (which is simple chocolate soft-serve). Apart, they are too salty or too ho hum. But together they create an explosion of taste on your palette. The same is true of McDonald's french fries with McDonald's sweet and sour sauce, or Monical's pizza with Monical's french dressing! It's the combinations that make these foods truly great.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm really hungry... someone get me some Monical's pizza!

Monogamy... the duct tape for the world.

I love duct tape. It literally fixes everything but duct work.

When people ask me why I am a Christian, my immediate response is "Well, it would be awkward for me to go into work if I wasn't." (I am a minister). But being a smart-elic aside, I tend to think that the Bible contains in it all the fundamentals to having a great life and a wonderful society. I mean, call me crazy, but I believe that practices that are deemed as "moral" or "biblical" in the Judeo-Christian sense of the word are actually just good business as far as world affairs go. Let's take for instance Monogamy...

Monogamy: "Traditionally" this is the practice of only taking one sexual partner.

Ideally, a boy and girl meet, they get married and only have sex with that person until one of them dies. At that point the surviving person may take another sexual partner until they die. Etc. Etc. Etc.

On the downside, we may have to exercise some self-control.

On the plus side, if this is practiced globally, it would eliminate ALL sexually transmitted diseases. You could wipe out AIDS, herpes, pretty much everything but pubic lice. You have to shower to do that. You would reduce the number of unwed mothers to only those widowed. No more rape, no more divorces screwing up kids, no more affairs tearing apart marriages, no more prostitution.

It is crazy to think about what would happen if everyone could just agree to do this one thing. But rather than keep it in our pants we would rather donate money to AIDS relief and take pills so it doesn't burn when we pee. Oh, well.

Excerpts from 101 Ways to Annoy Your Wife

As our relationship progresses, I find that I need to start writing down some things to remember. Charissa and I are not even married yet, but I'm fairly certain I could fill a book with the things I can do to push her buttons.

Sample Chapters will include:
Pet Names I shouldn't call her - Charizard, Clarissa, Charissa Ho-land
Places Not To Touch - Armpits, elbows, ears
Single Words That Make Her Skin Crawl - Mesquito, Bacon, Moist
Topics To Avoid - Warcraft, Video Games, Video Games, Video Games

I've honned my craft to a fine art.

Just wondering...

Does anyone know why our government doesn't actually make money?

I'm only 27, so I haven't been following politics closely till a few years ago so I'd just like to know if there is some law against it or something.

For example the state of Illinois has the lottery. The state of Illinois has a business that generates money for the State. Obviously the system is full of corruption, but I didn't know if the government can or does do that on a federal or national level to make money, or if their ONLY source of income is taxation.

The reason I ask, is that I hear a lot about how candidates and congressmen would use the money we have, but not anything about making new money somewhere. Is that too Communist? Government businesses?

Don't Give Up The Dream

I haven't eaten for 36 hours.

All I want is a piece of toast. After being deathly ill and I'm pretty sure I threw up pieces of my own spine... I can have solid foods. All I want is just one little piece of toast. I have the bread. It is in my hand. Oh sweet Lord, it is even cinnamon raisin toast.

I can't find the toaster. In my house it just sits on the counter. My parents either hide their toaster somewhere in their bathroom, or I have moved into some insane world where they buy a kind of bread that is specifically made to be toasted, but don't have a toaster.

I haven't eaten for 37 hours.

This is nuts. I just saw my mom make toast the other day. Where is the toaster?!? Where do they keep it?!? I am so frantic, I checked the crisper drawer in the fridge and their bedroom. Who do I have to strap to a chair and question?!? Do they take it with them to work? Is it in the shop? Everything is turned around. For a year and a half I have gotten used to where I put things and now I can't find the toaster. What kind of sick joke is this?

...

My cereal was breathtaking, after I found the milk.

In Need Of Being Needy

In my line of work, you are more likely to help someone than to get helped by someone. Lately, I've had a slew of opportunities to clean up after other people's messes. Procrastinators, poor planners, and people that rely on the kindness of the church because they are such jerks they don't have any friends.

The worst part is that if you tell someone that you are not going to clean up their mess, it is not going to be an epiphany for them. They didn't get this far in life by being introspective. You are just going to end up being the bad guy. And usually when I reach my breaking point I hear this annoying voice in my head saying, "Do you love me... then feed my lambs."

Last night I just went to bed wondering when someone was going to do something for me with no strings attached.

This morning I woke up and remembered the Cubs tickets I was given and I walked out of my room to find that all my laundry was done by my dad and my mom made be breakfast...

Wedding Reception Playlist Update

Push It by Salt-N-Pepa
Love Shack by The B52's
Hey Yeah by Outcast
Rappers Delight by The Sugar Hill Gang
Don't Stop Til You get Enough by Michael Jackson
Funkey Cold Medina by Tone Loc
Whoomp! (There It Is) by Tag Team
Super Freak by Rick James
Respect by Aretha Franklin
No Diggity by Blackstreet
Things That Make You go Hmmmm by C&C Music Factory
Dreamlover by Mariah Carey
Everybody Have Fun Tonight by Wang Chung
Faded by Souldecision
Dance to the Music by Slay and the Family Stone
Baby Got Back by Sir Mix A Lot
Smooth by Santana
Truly Madly Deeply by Savage Garden
Addicted To Love by Robert Palmer
She Bangs by Ricky Martin



More to follow. Oh man. I've been laughing so hard writing this list that my face hurts.

The Prologue

There are two kinds of us.

Some of are all business. When you are telling us a story we are listening, but we are still screaming "What is the point! Get to the point!" When we are here to work, we work. When we sit down to a meal we eat with the speed and efficiency of marines in boot camp so that we can move on to what is next. You know us. It is not enough to get to our destination, we need to "make good time."

Some of us savor. And the Lord spoke saying, "You will know them by their lateness." The world moves a little slower. They stop working to talk to whomever for whatever reason. They are the last ones finished with their meals because they are talking and dessert is a requirement more than an option. And it is not enough to get to our destination, we need to take the most beautiful route.

It used to take me 3 to 4 months to read a book. I would construct detailed images of each character no matter how small their role in the plot is. I would often reread chapters to have a better understanding of the minor sub-plots while looking for holes in the logic of science fiction books. I would take the words on the page, roll them around on my tongue, and I wouldn't dare swallow until I had sucked all the flavour out of each syllable.

Now it takes me 3 to 4 days to demolish a book. The characters have no faces and the language has no taste. My driving force is to find out what happens as fast as I can, because whether or not I can see these fictitious faces, I know that every time I put the book down their conflict hasn't been resolved. I'm more concerned with what happens rather than who it happens to. Unfortunately, these days books don't end. There is no "and they lived happily ever after..." Every author wants to write the sequel so we have to leave the characters unresolved. They want to be the next Bourne Identity or the next Harry Potter. So readers like me just gorge themselves digesting page after page until we finish the book. Then the prologue is just the empty feeling of coming down off a high and wondering where are we going to get our next fix.

So... read any good books lately?