Rooting For The Underdogs

Hiatus

2010-05-19T15:46:00.000-05:00

I will be taking a hiatus from blogging. I have an idea for a fictional book and it feels like it is just under my skin clawing it's way out. There is a constant buzz in the back of my head all day and I feel like I need to work with my wife to put it to paper. So I will not be blogging anymore to spend my writing energies on this project. I wish you all the best and will update when I can.

_The Underdog

Just So You Know

2010-05-17T12:20:00.009-05:00

Just so you can't claim later in life that no one told you. Head-bands are not cool. They are not ironic or retro. There once was a time that someone would suppose that this tool to the right was just being silly. But since now people are serious about wearing these, don't chance it. You risk making the statement "I want to keep my ridiculous hair out of my face so that you can clearly see my face this super cool Facebook picture I took in my bathroom." Then again it is a great time saver when it comes to cataloging people. "Oh look honey that guy is wearing a headband, he must never want to succeed in life."

It is sad really because what was once a really cool Halloween costume is being ruined by (what I can only assume to be) aspiring time traveling aerobics instructors or ancient Romans who discovered blue jeans. Lovable hippies, toga goddesses, and Jazercise conventioneers are now no longer distinct. We are all wondering, "Is she going to a costume party and she will completer her outfit there, or is she blind and someone is playing a trick on her?"

So don't be fooled by the catalogs. If you go outside with a headband to accessorize your skinny white jeans (Sorry, I had to go throw up) just know that the magazines are right that you will "get noticed". But it is not a good thing. It is just the universal sign that you are easily tricked into buying something that you should actually get paid to put. (Most likely in a five dollar dare.)

Dear People (the magazine)

2010-05-12T21:49:00.000-05:00

Dear People Magazine, I'm just writing to let you know that we get it. All of us. Every last single person on this planet understands the facts. Once upon a time Brad Pit married Jennifer Aniston. Then they got divorced. Now he is with Angelina Jolie. Jennifer and Angelina don't like each other. Consider us brought up to date. Given the fact that it all happened over five years ago and you are STILL WRITING ABOUT IT.

No joke. I was buying groceries this week when I noticed the headline "Jennifer and Angeline Update". I think it was the first time in my life that I gasped out loud at a headline on a magazine rack. Not because the news of it was shocking, but once my brain processed the possibility that there might still be a single human being out there that cares about "Bradgelina," it shook me to my core. In fact, I have it on good authority that every lonely soccer mom and thirteen year old girl is arguing with their token gay friend about whether Bella should have puppies with Jacob or emo children with hairy belly buttons with Edward. (Don't pretend like I'm the only one that threw up a little when he opened his shirt.)

If you are a student of journalism and you are wondering how much information is too much information I present you with "Bradgelina". All of the drama in this particular love triangle happened in the year 2005. To put that in perspective, 2005 saw the trial of Saddam, the distruction of Katrina, and it was one year after the hit show Friends ended. But here we are, five years later allowing publications to lead with that headline. I don't feel like I'm out of line saying "You've got to be stupid if you are still talking about this. MOVE ON!" It would be like if tommorrow USA Today led with the front page headline "Obama... Still President". I'm not expecting alot from tabloids, but maybe it is time to bring back "Bat Boy" or "Alien Baby" or maybe... just maybe... you might try reporting some actual news instead of publishing your diary entries about stalking people who don't contribute to society in a tangable way.

So, I am proposing a ten year shun on "Bradgelina" and Jen. To clarify: Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston, and Angelina Jolie may appear in movies, TV, and publications. But not together. They must actually DO something to warrant individual recognition. During said ten years I propose they all go their separate ways. Brad can hang out with Clooney and make Oceans 34. Jen can continue to romantic comedy her way into oblivion. Angelina can continue her quest for world domination through adoption. Once she actually assembles her "We Are The World" brood and conquers the world forcing all the population to get stupid looking tattoos and watch Tomb Raider until we bleed from the eyes and go brain dead, then you can put her back in the news. Come to think of it, to shorten that scenario I could have just said we would all become Megan Fox.

Shunning is the act of deliberately avoiding association with, and habitually keeping away from an individual or group

2010-04-26T23:04:00.000-05:00

I think it is time America. In an generation bombarded with information (Twitter, Facebook, Myspace, TMZ, your mom's bridge club gossip), we have become entirely too tolerant of side show accidents that claim to be news worthy. I don't blame you. Sure, I've done some rubber necking. There are things that I have seen (terrible things) that I know I should look away but don't. Lady GaGa is one of those things.

Fact: Lady Gaga wrote a song called "Telephone". This song when played in its entirety lasts 3:40. Three minutes and forty seconds of catchy nonsense, mispronounce werrrrds, and keyboard layers. Once the song was distributed by the forces of evil to radio stations all across the land, and robots pretending to be DJ's programmed it every 3:41... the stage was set. The "Telephone" music video was unleashed like the Kraken from the pits of Tartarus. The MUSIC video is 9:32. So if you count the variables and carry the one, there is 5:52 of no music. 5:52 of no MUSIC IN THE MUSIC VIDEO! What you will find in this masterpiece of horror is a storyline so thin that it makes the premise of Spin Doctors early 90's hit song "Two Princes" look like Oscar material. At one point Lady GaGa is showing you her butt whilst wearing sunglasses made of lit cigarettes. She then is released from prison (the first mistake), she gets in a car with Beyonce' (really Beyonce' you are better than this) and proceeds to kill a diner full of gay robots from the future. I'm actually certain that one of them is wearing the free sunglasses Pizza Hut gave away when Back To The Future 2 was released. At the end they ride off in a Kill Bill reference (which doesn't score them any points with me). All of this is done whilst finding time to include the 3:40 of a song about Lady GaGa's phone ringing while she is at the club and not wanting to answer because you can't hear anything on the dance floor. What that has to do with killed people, prison beatings, or homosexual / homicidal cooks... we will never know. The worst part is that at the very end it says "To be continued."

That does it. I propose that Lady GaGa be given a four year shun. One year because she dresses like a five year old picked out her outfits in a used alien costume shop. One year because of "Poker Face". Yet another year exiled because she tries making an innuendo of the phrase "disco stick" but it really doesn't make sense any way that you would or could take it. And one more year so she can grow her hair out after I shave off her stupid, stupid bangs. All four years should be spent in a land devoid of sunlight so she can't wear glasses made of razorblades, lit cigarettes, venetian blinds, booby tassels, mickey mouse ears, or view masters. I'm not making these things up.

I can only hope that America will join me in shunning this woman so that she might take some time to evaluate her life. Maybe she will finally look in a mirror when she dresses or discover music. Given time she might even sing for the first time in her life.

Why Rap Music Will Never Change The World

2010-01-25T13:30:00.000-06:00

During times of global compasion brought on by a catastrophic event (i.e. Earthquakes, Tunami, Huricanes), one thing is certain; there will be a song. There has to be a unifying music piece that is played in the background of the commercials for collectable coins, requests for donations to the Red Cross, and news channel montages. The reason is that it isn't a disaster unless Hollywood says so. Up until this point these songs have been power ballads or "singer/songwriter" sad piano songs. Every once in awhile you will hear a reggae beat, an African choir, or an ignorant country song... but these are usually a mistake. Not that we don't appreciate all the work U2, Greenday, and Sarah Mclachlan do, but I started to wonder why other genres aren't as successful. The following is why pop and rap music will not unite us in our time of need...

1. Most of the time the lyrics don't actually make sense. Rap and Hip Hop are basically written in a sub-culture version of English that has a lot and I mean A LOT of pop culture references, but the message is unclear.

Drake - Girl You Know
I love your sushi roll, hotter than Wasabi,
i race for your love, shake and bake ricky bobby

I'm glad the girl already knows... I'm just not sure what it is she knows. A song to unite the world must be written in a clear way that isn't contingent on seeing a movie that wasn't life changing to begin with.

2. R&B and Rap music excels at being the anthems for parties even though many of things they are talking about... you wouldn't actually want to happen to you. I will attempt to translate.

Ke$ha - Tick Tock
Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy,
Grab my glasses, I'm out the door, I'm gonna hit this city
Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack
Cause when I leave for the night, I ain't coming back

And now the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger

But we kick em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger

Don't stop, make it pop DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, Imma fight Till we see the sunlight

What I can only assume from these lyrics, is that this girls idea of a perfect day consists of rising in the morning like a black man, having very little to no hygiene, being homeless, dating old wrinkly leather-skin men, having a professional destroy your stereo, and then getting your teeth kicked in until the sun comes up. Then it must all stop as we can only assume the sun has mystical powers to end fighting (maybe she is a vampire). My point being, I think it is time that we admit that these lyricists are more concerned with rhyming than actually producing content. If you are going to write the next we are the world, you can be concerned with making a crappy rhyme like (I can't rhyme world with anything but curled, Dang).

3. The third reason is what I like to call the "Dance Factor". The thing that rock ballads, reggae, sad piano, bad country, and gospel choir music all have in common is that you are suppose to sway to it. A good world peace/disaster relief song is performed in front of workers with candles with hands in the air swaying back and forth at a leisurely pace. Even when Rap music dazzles us with political lyrics like...

Kayne West - Forever
Old money, benjamin button, what!? nuttin

Now superbad chicks giving me Mclovin
You would think I ran the world like Michelle’s husband (Obama Reference)

Lil Wayne - Down
Indefinitely, not probably
And honestly I'm down like the economy

... you still want to dance to it. You can't have a nationally televised concert where everyone is crumping and the workers are sexing eachother up. Bump and grind is not really inspiring. Well... it is, but not in the "World Peacey" way.

Things Not To Do @ The Apocalypse

2010-01-17T21:53:00.000-06:00

On the off chance that fire would rain from the heavens this weekend, there are some things you should probably avoid. I know that might seem a little restrictive. Usually when there is an apocalypse or a cataclysm or a general catastrophe, order and sound thinking are not in vogue. The prospect of dying in a cosmic debacle doesn't bring out the best in people. It generally makes people horny, crazy, and crazy horny. But if the countless movies and books in the "Post-Apocalyptic" genre have taught us anything it is that there just might be a post-apocalypse. So on the off chance that you wake up the next day, here are some things you might want to avoid during the end of the world.

Don't Have Sex
The whole appeal to having sex during the apocalypse is that there are no consequences. By all accounts you pretty much expect to be incinerated during, going out with a bang on all accounts. However, it is more likely that the building you are in is going to collapse and you will die in a much less romantic and very undignified position. But once the fire starts to rain from the sky, many people will look for one last thrill and they won't be picky about who it is with.

The day after you survive the end of the world, (or what might have been an elaborate episode of Punk'd) you can expect things to be awkward. You could expect a walk of shame except there is nowhere to walk to. In fact you might be locked in a bomb shelter with a canned goods buffet and a troll who steals the covers. Pregnancy and herpies aside, the last thing you want to have when there are only two people left on earth is "The Hills" style drama. Don't let reality TV be the only thing that survives.

Don't Tell Anyone How You Feel
Usually when people have to say goodbye they get sentimental. Under normal circumstances an average male is able to bury it deep, deep down. Emo kids and chicks always feel like they have to cram a lifetime of love and rejection into five minutes of "You ruined my life... because I love you."

Now, since the seven headed beast is rising from the sea, no one would blame you if you decided to break down and cry. Might I even suggest soiling yourself or running like a little girl. But whatever you do, don't bare your soul to your friend that you had a crush on, your friend you have really hated this whole time, or your dad that never made it to your ball game when you were a kid. The reason being that once you realize that the sky isn't falling and there might be something to this global warming thing... you are going to have a lot to answer for. Or just imagine that the world does end except... you guessed it... you two are the last on earth. My advice, put it away and go out with some dignity.

Don't Go Off On Your Own
Rule number one on surviving a cosmic tragedy: find a small child to protect. If you can bank on something during this mortifying zombie, locust, nuclear love-fest, it is that the "powers that be" will single out a small creepy child that will save us all. This child and its protector will not and cannot die. It will not be allowed. So, if you grab the nearest kid (it cannot be your own unless you are pregnant by an angel or some other holy sexy time thing) you have a shot at picking the right rugrat and being totally bulletproof. After that, all you have to do is make sure the dirt smudges on his/her face are cute and wait for them to redeem humanity.

If at anytime you and this small child encounter a group of people who also surrvived, don't get attached. The formula being, one will betray you, one is a zombie (or will be very soon), and the rest are there to slow down whatever might be chasing you at the time. Yes, even that cute one that thinks you are so great to look after a kid who is not your responsiblity.

So let's review
If you think it is the end of the world and you need to scratch an itch, eat some junk food and go to bed early. You might have to go to work in the morning.

Quality Vs. Quantity

2010-01-08T18:23:00.000-06:00

My fellow blogger Tyler has been counting down the best and worst movies of 2009. I have seen maybe half of the movies on that list and as I stand in front of the shrine to extortion that is known to mere mortals as Blockbuster Video, I can't help but notice the giant walls of movies I have not and will never see. I have a few people I would like to blame for this. They are in no particular order, as my outrage is naturally peppered with wit and not organization.

I Blame Hollywood.
If you happen to have any unemployed senior citizens laying about (they might be refering to themselves as retired), shake them from their fourth nap and over a nice cup of Ensure ask them about "the pictures". They will of course tell you how great movies used to be. They can actually list all the movies they saw as a child and all the stars of those movies. The reason being there were only twenty movies and ten stars. Rent any movie from 1930-1950 and you will see the same ten people recycled into every combination they could make of them. This might seem taxing on the actors except each studio only put out about two movies per year. That is why your senile grandfather can't remember your name, but he knos Cary Grant was spectacular in that movie, because he was in every movie. And when you are in every movie the chances of you winning an Oscar are almost a sure thing. (Calm down Samuel L. Jackson... I said almost.) But now since there are twenty movies opening every second starring the latest set of boobs to fall off the truck, it's hard to keep up. Maybe if we tone down the number of movies and be a little more selective about who we call a celebrity (You know who you are) then we wouldn't have to let movies like Old Dogs take up space in the Theater.

I Blame Sony
Sometimes things are so good they change the game entirely. Sony has made camera technology so good, so cheap, so accessable that anyone--and I mean ANYONE--can make a movie. You used to have to have a budget, a studio, a crew... not anymore. Now you just need a Handy Cam and a mediocre script and ZAP! BANG! You win the independent film award. I'm just kidding. Sure that happens sometimes, but most of the time you end up with some toothless whino shooting Zombie Nazi Surfers IV. Four of them you say? You bet! Straight to DVD shelves everywhere. If you are lucky Steven Segal or JCVD will stop by for a days worth of shooting. I'm exaggerating you say?

I Blame The Government
$9.50. That is the price of a movie now. $9.50 Not a 3D film or Imax. $9.50 Just to walk into a theater the size of my living room and sit in a sticky seat that hasn't been cleaned in years. $9.50 to fight Jr. High kids for seats. And let's not even talk about the mugging that is "concession". The word means to "yield to". Yes, I get your mind game. With every ten dollar bag of popcorn you get to slap me and force me into submission. I would stay home and rent DVD's but... $5.00 rents a DVD for one night (JUST ONE). I feel a little bit of my soul slip away with each rental. Which brings me to Obama. Make my dollar worth more please. And since we can't seem to get anything substantial done with Health Care... what about Entertainment Reform? But before you get started on your new plan I just want to let you know that giving my tax dollars to movie stars and people who are already rich won't turn the economy around. Spending money aimlessly doesn't make it worth more. I only bring it up because of that whole "that's all you did your first year in office" little tiny thing.

Real Life Lessons From "Call Of Duty" part 2

2009-12-15T16:20:00.000-06:00

One might say that when an individual starts to blend fiction and video games with reality... that person might be losing their mind. Those people would be correct. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. However, my eventual loss of a grip on reality shall not be in vain. Allow me to share with you a few life lessons you can learn from playing "Call of Duty" (online first person shooter video game) but you can apply to everyday life.
2. The More You Talk The More I Know You Are Lying.
When you play any video game online you can always pick out the noobs, cheaters, and idiots within the first five minutes. They are the ones typing things in chat about how awesome they are. Mind you, they are typing and not playing the game... which they are so amazing at.
In real life the same rules apply. A man just walked into my office and I didn't know him from Adam. Now, an hour later, I'm not sure if I know every single detail of his life story, or if I still don't know a solid fact about him or the reality he lives in. From what I could gather, this man used to make $3,800 a week doing something that involved him working on the fifth floor of a building. He owned a 1.2 million dollar home, and for funzzies he used to gather with his co-workers and literally throw money out the window because he thought it was funny to watch people fight over it.

Now, he is homeless and broke... wait now he has been unemployed for four years. He has no degree in broadcasting but wanted me to pray for him because he got an interview at a radio station. And if he gets that job, he is then going to go to Second City and become the next Dan Aykroyd. All his dreams will come true. He just needs some money and food to make it through the week. He went to the food pantry, but they asked him to do really ridiculous unproductive things like register for food stamps and government aid. He really doesn't have time for all that paper work being swamped with unemployment and chasing his dreams. And he loves God but really is sick of hearing that God will provide for him and doesn't go to church because of this unbelievable string of bad luck with churches (and trust me it is unbelievable). But his oldest who is 13 loves God. Also, his oldest who is 18 is an atheist. Rather than explain to him that the term "oldest" can only apply to one child being that the nature of the adjective is to single someone out, I listened intently to him talk about his optimism being so great that he was going to hang himself and that he and his wife loved each other so much they were thinking about getting a divorce. Things have been tough since he had to cut their cell phones back to a $180 a month plan and the "shack" that he is living in costs him in rent what I pay for our townhome.
Had this gentlemen played Call Of Duty he might have known that the more he talked, the more chance there was of screwing up his story. He might have guessed that it is better to act than to talk... then when you succeed because you were busy acting while others were talking all you have to do is point at the score board.

Real Life Lessons From "Call Of Duty" part 1

2009-12-14T16:33:00.002-06:00

One might say that when an individual starts to blend fiction and video games with reality... that person might be loosing their mind. Those people would be correct. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. However, my eventual loss of a grip on reality shall not be in vain. Allow me to share with you a few life lessons you can learn from playing "Call of Duty" (online first person shooter video game) but you can apply to everyday life.

1. Don't Stand In Doorways (you'll get us all killed)

As I was leaving a well known department store I was halted right before I could exit. There was a woman in front of me that had just stopped dead in the doorway. Normally I would simply navigate around her, but this woman was of a particular size and shape that fits snugly in a double sliding automatic doors like they were made just for her. I waited about a full minute before saying "excuse me" and pushing past her. It was a tight squeeze and I had to shoulder check her just a little bit. I made it through and could breath again. Gasping for huge gulps of air I looked back to see what she could possibly be doing... you know... besides getting in my way and leaving the automatic doors open to let cold air into the store. She was texting. Let me say it out loud... she stopped in the middle of a public exit to send a text message from a mobile phone. From that point I managed to walk to my car, get it, start it, adjust my mirrors and fiddle with the radio and when I pulled out she was STILL STANDING THERE. By this point a crowd was building behind this fire hazzard... I mean woman... and I thought I saw the mob getting restless. It was only a matter of time before this woman was beaten senseless, and I didn't need that on my record.

Crossing Over

2009-10-22T21:05:00.001-05:00

As the years go by I believe we are seeing a return to old times. It used to be that the celebrities of the day were not just actors, singers, or dancers. They were all of these things. They were "Entertainers!" They could do it all. Lately, I think we are seeing Hollywood try to return to this... but as it turns out, celebrities aren't always talented... at all... like they shouldn't be famous in the first place (Cast of The Hills I'm talking to you). So I have addressed some stars who "crossed over" one way or another.

Good crossover

Zooey Deshanel (who's sweet persona has been featured in a number of TV shows and movies such as "Elf" and "500 Days of Summer") had the good sense to team up with M. Ward to form the group She & Him. This is smart for a number of reasons. Because she is in a "group" rather than releasing under her name, she earns more street cred and doesn't have to write her own songs. The album is not just about her, she just happens to be the front (wo)man of a group that features a musician that has been respected in the industry since the late 90's. M. Ward is a genius and by having him in the band Zoeey can lean on him without looking like a teen pop star that can't play an instrument or write songs, but wants to be a star.

Bad Crossover

No offense to the two young aspiring calipso singers in this reality, but this branch of music seems to be the easy fall back of actors trying to be pop stars. Paris and Hayden have already tried it and I just want to tell you before I have to listen to Shia LaBeouf play steel drums... it's not good Hollywood... it's just not good. Better to bombard me with autotuners and beats so loud I can't hear the lyrics (Ashley Tisdale) than to sing me a song I would only listen to for 15 seconds over a 2 inch elevator speaker while I decend into a hotel lobby in Jamaca for my Jimmy Buffet themed class of 63' reunion. Even then, people would wonder why that crap was on when we have Margarettaville we could listen to on repeat.

Good Crossover

Hey if you can sing, then some acting jobs are available to you, because the part requires you to sing. The reverse is not true just because you act like a singer does not entitle you to an album. But fortunetly for us Mandy Moore can both sing and act. She is hilarious in movies like "Saved" and made great guest appearances in "Scrubs", but we have to attribute this great crossover to the fact that in "Saved" "American Dreamz" and "A Walk To Remember" Mandy Moore sang in the roll. Good job Mandy...

Bad Crossover

I love this man. He is an international sensation and is funnier than all get out hosting award shows and sketch comedy. But "Alpha Dog"? Seriously Justin? It breaks my heart.

Good Crossover

Wouldn't you rather watch "The Italian Job" than listen to "Good Vibrations"? Ok, maybe that is catchy... and maybe I'd rather listen to Mark Wahlburg talk to animals than watch "Max Payne" again. But I think, over all, the acting is better for his image.

Bad Crossover
Any rapper at all... Any of them... Ice Cube, Ice Tea, Cube Tea, Common, Dre, Snoop, Nick Cannon, Chris Brown, Lil Wayne... I'm talking to all of you. Stop it. Just because you can speak in rhythm with stunning lyrics like "I'm on a boat" doesn't mean you should act. You can rap about owning a big screen without actually being on a big screen.
Adendum: Exceptions to this rule are Will Smith and Marshall Mathers (eminem). But in all farness Eminem starred in a movie about himself. But the man can be himself very well, give him an award.

My Toss ups are as follows:
J.Lo - went from dancer on "In Living Color" to dancing pop star to starring in not so great movies.
Hillary Duff - it was cute for a while.
Lindsay Lohan - It wasn't good in the first place, so having a crappy crossover is the least of your problems. Get tested Lindsay...

How Stupid Do I Think The American's Are? We Will Sell Them Water.

2009-10-13T14:52:00.003-05:00

As Halloween quickly approaches I'm sure that women everywhere are scrambling for that fifty dollar scrap of cloth they pass for a costume and tools everywhere will do something unoriginal. So I thought rather than writing my yearly blog about how stupid and fetish-based Halloween has become, I have decided to join the crowd. So I have taken the time to recommend some costumes.(This will also be my first attempt at blogging with photos).

FOR MEN WHO LIKE TO BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION BUT ARE NOT LEAVING THE PARTY WITH A WOMAN

This is also a good costume for the plus sized woman. The husky gals who prefer comfort over style and want a costume with a built in bib.

"Isn't this hilarious? Where are the nachos?"

FOR IMAGINARY COUPLES OF NERDS AND SUPERMODELS

This is a costume aimed at a small amount of the population that exists in the imaginations of nerds everywhere or Bill Gates who actually makes enough money to convince hot girls to dress up like action figures or video game characters.

"I'm talking to a girl on myspace that would totally be into this... no, I haven't met her in real life."

FOR WOMEN WHO WANT TO SCARE THE $^%# OUT OF US

Why settle for the obvious when you can dress like the wicked witch of the west impersonating an umpa lumpa. It has all the creep factor of china dolls with the immoblity of a one inch skirt.

"Could someone prop me up against something... I can't sit down or bend in anyway."

FOR PLUS SIZED WOMEN OR ALCOHOLICS

Going to a party and you don't want to add to those extra pounds, or maybe you shouldn't be left alone with the peach schnapps... get the costumes that keeps you from touching anything or anyone. Bring a friend in case you fall.

"Dang, I forgot to bring a straw."

FOR WOMEN WHO WANT AN STD

The hands are grabbing the boobs... we get it.

"I kind of want to dress up for Halloween... but I also want to catch hepatitis in a trailer."

FOR MEN WHO HAVE AN OEDIPUS COMPLEX

This is funny because the guy who actually lives in his mother's basement and hangs out with her on the weekends is wearing a cooler costume than you.

"So you want to dance with my mother in between us?"

FOR MEN WHO WANT TO BE PUNCHED

This "ball and chain" costume is also perfect for married women with no self worth.

"Honey I'll wear this cotume when your bare chest looks like that."

FOR PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN AN ALL-WHITE NEIGHBORHOOD

Nacho Sombrero sold separately. Bring a multi-ethnic slur to an otherwise classy part.

"I thought this was a great costume until the police gave me a brutal beating."

FOR MEN WHO ARE BOUND BY MEGAN'S LAW

Why go door to door and post flyers notifying the neighborhood that you are a repeat sex offender when this costume says it all.

"I had to go door to door anyway, might as well get some candy."

I'm So Lost

2009-10-10T21:52:00.000-05:00

Is it just me or is the world going slightly mad? Two things that make me so confused I can scream are slowly merging in my brain. The show Lost is a rollercoaster ride of watching flashbacks, flash-forwards, and the current story of Ben walking a tightrope of plot so thin even the writers don't know what is true. Maybe we will travel through time, maybe we will just move the whole island by turning the giant hamster wheel, or maybe we will kill John Locke again!
As frustrating as this show is, with all the action and no explanation, ratings are through the roof. And I'm forced to consider the possibility that the real world may be taking a cue from Lost. I'm trying to follow politics more closely but I'm so confused that I imagine any minute that the smoke monster is going to attack whatever whiny group is on the capital mall this week and no one will be able to explain it to me. I read that the president is being given a Nobel Prize for all his work disarming countries and working globally for the suppression of war, but after reading that he is sending more troops to Middle East and no one has disarmed anything... I'm wondering if the Nobel Prize was a FLASH-FORWARD. That can be the only explanation. I can't say, "Hey dude I'm going to write a book that will change the world!" and then receive the Nobel literature prize. So the only logical explanation is that this hasn't actually happened yet.
Then I read today that Obama told a room full of homosexual rights supporters that he is going to repeal "don't ask don't tell" and make sure gays can serve in the military and he is going to do it soon. However, he hasn't even talked to congress about it and the White House lawyers just defended the "don't ask, don't tell" policy against that very same group in court. I'm forced to believe this speech is either a FLASHBACK to his campaign, or a FLASH-FORWARD to a time that he has spoken to congress, convinced the military, and submitted legislation.
I'm serious that any day now Obama is just going to go to the sacred heart of America, pull a lever, and move America just north of Australia. This will, of course, solve the immigration problems with Mexico and some lucky Canadians will have beach front property. And when asked why Obama did it, he will get Kate to be hot and Jack to cry and feel betrayed and America will understand and tune in next week to see more stuff happen without any explanation.

If We Can Blow Up 75 Million Dollars On The Moon, Then We Can Afford 3 Easy Paments of $19.99

2009-10-09T12:47:00.001-05:00

I think it is safe to say that at some point we have all seen the TV commercials or drifted to the shopping channel and lingered... to our everlasting shame. We are dazzled by the product and who wouldn't be dazzled by those practical devices that cut minutes out of chopping, hanging things, and washing your car. These are a few of my favorites that I would own had I slightly less pride.

Snuggie
I would own this gem in a heartbeat. Not only because it is soft and warm, but because I'm pretty sure it doubles as a white trash Halloween costume.

Point N' Paint
It claims you can paint a whole room in less than an hour! I'm only interested in it because it eliminates taping the room. I don't believe it actually does this well, but the hope is worth 19.99 and they throw in two sponges, an extension rod, the paint and the house...

Neckline Slimmer
Who wouldn't want this!?! After you sit around all day in your snuggie because you finished painting so quickly you will enviably get neck fat. That's right. You though those Big Macs were going to your hips, but now your goiter is cramping your style. This is the funniest device I have ever seen... I'm just waiting for this to become a Wii attachment.

Quick Chop
I don't eat fruit salad, make homemade salsa, or grate cheese. But if I did this would be the fastest way to do it. I would most likely use this to break up cookies to put in my ice cream.

Roll Up Electric Piano
Why wouldn't you want this? You can sell a jingle in a meeting, spontaneously serenade your girlfriend, make some quick cash while you wait for your friends on a street corner. Anything you do with this would be amazing!

Shunned

2009-09-29T12:48:00.002-05:00

Lately, I have been reading books of both modern and ancient subjects, but one topic came up in both... shunning. I have not previously considered this "treatment" with any regard other than something you hear about briefly in a history lesson about Quakers. I gave it the same attention as churning butter or leeching. What took me aback reading about this practice is the magnitude and scope that it covers. To be shunned means that a group of people consider you as "non-existent". They don't look at you, pretend not to hear you, won't do business with you, and won't talk about you with other people. This seems that it might be worse than actually dying.

So, in the spirit of excommunication, I would like to submit some people that, in my opinion, America should shun.

1. Kanye West - I think it is time that Kanye gets the message that no one cares what he thinks. We didn't care that he thought George Bush was a racist and we certainly don't care about what he thinks about who wins an MTV award.

2. MTV award shows - Let's be honest, a contest for who has the classiest strip club would be more entertaining and family friendly.

3. The Hills Cast - We get it. You are hot and rich. Although these are things that usually warrant attention, you have squandered our interest complaining about how hard it is to be hot and rich. You may now suffer in silence.

4. Jon and Kate Gosselin - Your powers are so great that you annoy me almost every day and I have not seen one hot minute of your show. Maybe if everyone ignores you as TV personalities you can focus on being parents.

5. Brangelina - I'm not suggesting we ignore Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie, but when they merge like the gay wonder twins in the Transformer Movie to form Brangelina they should become invisible. The reason... I think not being able to put them on the cover of every magazine every month of the year might leave room for actual news.

6. Oprah - I'd love to see her head explode after she ate her way down a shame spiral, because I don't think she could handle it if women started to form their own opinions instead of being her mindless cronies.

7. The Cast of Twilight - Maybe you are getting married, maybe you aren't. It's not like any of us are invited to the wedding and wondering "So, should we plan to go to the wedding or go skiing with the Smiths?" so screw you. You are stars of a teeny bopper fad based on averagely written books. Even if you are not shunned no one will remember who you are in five years when you try to resurrect your career on Knitting With The Stars.

Things I Am Tired Of Hearing Lately

2009-09-24T13:17:00.000-05:00

Feel free to contribute your own. These are a few of mine...

"Well what I think you should do is..."

"You and your brother used to be inseparable."

"The cancer is terminal."

"I thought about pulling a Kanye."

"You just need to forgive them."

"Boom Boom Pow"

"That's not how you pronounce or spell that."

Here We Go Again...

2009-09-21T14:21:00.002-05:00

First thing's first... Update

I have, so far, remained beyond the clutches of twitter.

The Yorkville Taco Bell has continued its reign of tyranny and cruelty as my order is never right in the drive-thru. (The issue persisting for going on four years now)

My grammar has been lowered even further (if that is possible) by incorporating internet speak in my daily life. Words such as "noob" "fail" and "leet" pepper my conversations like trash littering a very clever garbage dumb.

I have succeeded in being married for one year while neither killing nor being killed by my wife. Once Tyler moves back in this will most assuredly be out of the question as there will be a witness that could come home at any moment.

After almost three years of devotions and gifts my niece will not favor me above a piece of chalk.

I have returned to the blogging world.

Hindsight

2009-04-21T11:21:00.000-05:00

The first girl I ever dated broke up with me after I spent three months dating, two years persuing, and one hundred dollars on a class ring she could wear. It was sad really. I thought it was going great, so of coarse when went to her house to pick her up and found out we weren't "going anywhere" ... let's just say I didn't see it coming. I did what every man (of 16) does in that situation. I got out of there as quick as I could with commits like "if that is how you feel..." and "no big deal..." "...still be close friends..." so that I could cry in my car on the way home.

Lately, my wife and I have been trying to console kids that we mentor through their respective drama. It is just surprising how stupid and insignificant high school romance seems, but on the other hand... kids these days cut themselves, develop eating disorders, and commit suicide because they can't see past it. Anyway it got my wife and I thinking about previous break ups and I was curious if anyone had any good stories they want to share. Some of mine include...

1. Breaking up with me the day after an "appreciation dinner" for the guys.

2. I broke up with a girl and she thought it was because she didn't know who Weezer was.

3. I broke up with a girl, then tried to get back with her, then wrote her nasty e-mail then....

4. I told a girl she needed to decide if she was serious about the relationship or not. I then broke up with her a few days later before she could tell me that she decided to be serious.

As you can tell I'm not very good at this...

Atypical Spring Post

2009-04-07T20:43:00.000-05:00

The Latin lover "Fernando Ortega" has come to town and he has one thing on his mind.

While others may be confused by the "variety" of the weather we have been having, there is no doubt in my mind that spring time is upon us. I can vouch for the validity of this belief based on the twiterpation of the whore next door. Not three week after Tabby had her kittens, Fernando arrived. Spring herself (my neighbor) told me they were ready to have Tabby neutered, but twelve hours later the noises started. It was a very strange sound for a cat to make. So, like a stranger with candy, I lured Tabby into the house and gave her some milk. She seemed fine, but my ignorance was not in her health, but in her state of mind.

Fernando was not so ignorant. Out of the spring mists came the most hansom orange cat I have ever seen. What seemed like a sweet moment quickly became awkward as our window well become a den of fornication. With the coming of Fernando Ortega (as my wife and I decided to name him) it quickly became "Business Time". This time of spring love continued ALL DAY LONG.

It was not only embarrassing to hear the two exhibitionists but in a way I felt responsible. I felt like the neighbor's daughter was being knocked up under my roof. Or worse, in my window well.

Today Tabby was locked in the garage making all kinds of noises while the star-crossed lover Fernando hovered outside the garage door. Will Tabby get the operation? Is she already pregnant again? Will Spring tear them apart? Only time will tell.

Sucked In

2009-03-03T11:27:00.000-06:00

This morning I experienced a cornucopia of emotions. Thanks largely to Eric and Yahoo I was brought up to speed with how the TV reality show "The Bachelor" ended. For those of you who don't care to experience it fully let me recap. The Bachelorette didn't pick him last season, but now wants him. He doesn't want her so he has to choose between girl 1 and 2. He rejects 1 and picks 2, but during the show recap now six weeks later decides he doesn't want 2, so he dumps her and tells 1 that he loves her. She takes him back, largely I believe this to be because she gets to give the "I was right/you were wrong" speech on national TV. What woman hasn't dreamed of that?

The craziest part, according to Yahoo, is the irony that the Bachelorette got her choice wrong and then the Bachelor got his choice wrong and everyone in the story got rejected at least once. I don't see any irony in this. This is pretty status quo in the normal realm of relationships. People get excited about shiny things and change their minds and it is your own fault if you keep taking them back. You don't need the studio audience to blame it on.

What I found ironic is how much I thought about this already this morning and I DON'T WATCH THESE STUPID SHOWS! Eric told me about it, then I watched the clip on Yahoo this morning and I have somehow been sucked into, not only a season of the Bachelor, but a recap of the Bachelorette. We don't even have TV at home.

All this proves is that in the future, there will be no need for full length TV shows, just 60 second recaps will be sufficient.

Adjustment #1

2009-02-25T10:37:00.000-06:00

I must admit, I have been floundering in the blogging world ever since I have been in a serious relationship. Mostly because my blog used to be filled with my awkward experiences with the opposite sex. Not that they have stopped, but since I'm married most of the awkwardness is centered around my marriage. I didn't know if it was smart to blog about that, or if it would get me beaten at home. I have since procured permission from my wife, so welcome to my awkward marital adjustments. I will be keeping you updated...

Rules of the Bedroom.

Never before has there been so much ritual and so much energy put into falling asleep. When I was a bachelor I would simply stay up as late as my body would function and then collapse into my bed only taking up seven inches at the very edge of my queen sized bed. Since being married this process has become much more complicated.

Rule 1. We must go to bed together at least four out of the three nights a week. Gone are the days of going to bed when I was too tired to stay up. Going to bed when she is already been asleep is not going to cut it.

Rule 2. The bed must be made every morning. She has an OCD reflex that she cannot sleep in a bed unless it has been made. So if it is not made; she will make it, look at it made, then dismantle it and get in.

Rule 3. If a nap is taken during the day, it must be on top of the covers. We don't sleep under the covers during the day. You just lay on top of the bed with a separate blanket.

Rule 4. Once we are in bed there must be a significant amount of "snuggle time". Which is to say that I must hold her for no less then ten minutes and no more than twenty-five as she gets too hot.

Rule 5. Under no circumstances may I break contact before she does. When she is done with snuggling she will roll over. If I roll over before she is done, she takes it as rejection and the next day is not a happy one for me. If I happen to forget and roll over we have to discover the "reason I am mad at her" whether it really exists or not. Some times that "not happy day" begins immediately.

Rule 6. Even after she stops cuddling, some part of my body must be touching her until she is actually asleep. This usually is some part of my leg. So the resulting sleeping position is me occupying my seven inches on the edge with one leg backward extended over a gap of two and a half feet.

Rule 7. Saturdays are special sleep in and cuddle days. So when I wake at 8 a.m. like normal. I must not get up. I must wait until she is awake then cuddle for no less than twenty-five minutes.

... More rules to follow if we have pets or children.

Our 50 year aniversary.

2009-02-07T09:32:00.000-06:00

It never ceases to amaze me, the questions people ask you when you are newly married are almost always uncomfortable. I'm not quite sure why this phenomenon occurs. Maybe it is nostalgia temporarily overriding your internal propriety sensor or just honest curiosity to see how everyone it different. But almost weekly someone, under the premise of making small talk, will ask me about my 5 month old marriage or my new wife. (Still Charissa)

My favorite is of course "So... how is married life so far?" they say with a smirk. My pat answer has become "It's an adjustment." At that point the women get teary-eyed and the men lower their heads and their broken spirits and say "Yeah... yeah it is."

Some of my other favorites include the following which are asked while my wife is present:

"So what are the annoying things you didn't expect?" -- Is this a trick?
"So is everything going okay with... you know... if you have any questions..." -- Oh we'll right now I'm working on getting to 2nd base. Keep your fingers crossed.
"Isn't marriage wonderful?" -- More wonderful than chocolate, but not as much as the Wizard of OZ.
"So are you young people doing something romantic this week?" -- Yes, Charissa is going to spend two steamy days at school, get away for a little while at StuCo and I'm going to spend four amazing days... leveling my Paladin by candlelight.
"What has been most difficult to adjust to." -- You mean with this perfect, amazing women STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO ME!?!

Seriously, we have been married just a little longer than it takes to grow a Chia Pet. Although depending on the day it feels like I've been in love and married to Char for...ever. I'm sure we have plenty of time.

Beware... This post is Stimulating.

2009-02-05T19:39:00.000-06:00

Start the parade line up, stimulus checks are coming! To brave this economic crisis the government is going to give me a check to help me pay off my debt or give back to the economy by spending my stimulus check on more stuff I don't need.

The only problem with this master plan is that I have no debt and further more I don't need anymore stuff. I don't blame the government for this oversight, how could they know of my fiscal responsibility and contentment? I just feel a little guilty about taking it. Probably not guilty enough to send it back, but I will lose at least one full half hour of sleep when I figure out what I'm going to do with said stimulus check. Here are some ideas...

Put it in Savings. (boring)

Buy a monkey and then watch old episodes of Friends when Ross had a monkey. My monkey's name will be Antonio.

Finish buying the complete seasons of Scrubs.

Make a down payment on a motorcycle.

Finally replace the light bulb that is out in my garage door opener. (that has been out for 6 months)

Go on vacation. (Who wants Luc to visit?)

In reality I will most likely give this money to pay for my wife's schooling, which will not stimulate the economy, but I might find stimulating ways for her to earn the money... like making me a sandwich. What are you going to stimulate?

Magnum is here to see you...

2009-01-23T09:17:00.001-06:00

It seems that lately the mustache is making a comeback. I think this, in large, is due to the popularity of ridiculous looking fashion and celebrities wanting to look like homeless people. Men arrogantly think that just anyone can grow a mustache. That is far from the truth. I have only seen a handful of mustaches that I would classify as "passable" in my life time.

The bottom line is that people don't fear the mustache as they should. The mustache is not a thing to be trifled with. The reactions that is causes are never mild. You are either that serial killer trying to make a good impression, or you are Magnum P.I. and there is no in between. I've seen mustaches ruin a look (I'm talking to you Brad Pitt), cause people to cringe, break up relationships, and take over whole countries. Oh, did you think that it was just coincidence that Hitler and Stalin had lip fairies.

Of coarse THE mustache belongs to Tom Selleck. I have never in my life encountered a mustache that is more groomed, more perfect, or more powerful. I realized this while I was watching the 1984 technological thriller "Runaway". This movie is bad. How bad is it? Gene Simmons (from Kiss) is the super smart super villain. But I was compelled to continue to watch for the same reason Magnum P.I. was a sex symbol. The same reason "Richard" on friends was so cool. For the same reason Mr. Baseball was awesome. And the reason movies like 3 Men and a Baby, Her Alibi, and Quigley Down Under were watchable.

My advice to you... don't grow a mustache. Leave that to Tom.

Continued: "Nacho" Not Your Day

2009-01-22T17:35:00.000-06:00

It has been almost two years... two full years. I blogged almost two years ago about a girl named Laura who works at the Taco Bell/KFC in Yorkville who NEVER NEVER NEVER got my order right. Laura is gone (I can only assume that Muppet tanned herself to death) but the tradition of giving me the shaft lives on.

Here we are two years later. I have yet to recieve a correct order from this Taco Bell.

Fantastic Fecal Medical Miricles

2009-01-19T10:14:00.000-06:00

The secretary were I work has had a disease for the last year called Clostridium Difficile or "C. diff" for short. It is not a comfortable thing to live with because it is basically chronic tummy aches with perpetual diarrhea. Most strains can be cured with ten days of antibiotics. Worst case scenario, the antibiotics kill off all the bad bacteria in your intestines... but also the good bacteria that helps your body process your food. Now you are screwed.

In order to put the "good bacteria" back into your body you need a transplant... not of organs or blood, but of fecal matter... poop. That's right. You have to have a "healthy donor" take a crap in a bag at the hospital then they make you shove it up your nose, eat it, or well... forcefully put it were it belongs.

I believe the obvious question is "Who pioneered this modern miracle drug?" I truthfully don't know, but I imagine it was awkward the first time this was tried.

"Well sir, we can't seem to cure your diarrhea, but with all this technology at our disposal we think the best thing to do is to shove crap up your nose and hope for the best."

"That is disgusting!"

"Don't worry, it won't be YOUR fecal matter... Bob the intern here has volunteered to help out. Apparently, Bob has good solid bowel movements. Plus, he was in a fraternity and has excellent experience at pooping in a bag. At first, we considered asking that B#$%# in Pediatrics that won't go out with me to do it, because she things that her crap doesn't stink. However, she seems to think this procedure is grasping at straws. But we'll show her, won't we Mr. Johnson?"

Wii are Watching You

2009-01-14T09:09:00.000-06:00

My wife and I were really excited by the new Wii Fit we received for Christmas. Our Wii has been the bridge in our marriage between the "Gamer" and his bride. So I immediately set it up, we loaded our Mii's and created our Fit profiles. We weighed in, set a goal, and then left for three days to visit my family.

When we returned we realized what Wii had done and what we had unleashed. The following is an actual conversation between myself and my Wii Trainer.

Wii: Hello Lucas. I haven't seen you in 3 days. You should really make working out a regular habit.

Lucas: Presses "A" button in shame

Wii: Well, now that it is the new year are you back because you have a resolution? Are you ready to get serious?

Lucas: Presses "A" button annoyed

Wii: Please step on the balancing board and let's mark your progress. Oh, it says here you have gained two pounds. Please select the reason for this weight gain:
Not enough exercise Lack of commitment
I ate too much I'm Lazy
I'm constipated I'm not eating healthy
I broke my promise to the Wii trainer

Lucas: Presses "A" button without dignity

Wii: Oh, I see. Well you are going to have to try harder to meet your goal. Instead of playing balance games, why don't we do more aerobic exercises, this will burn more of your fat.

Lucas: Presses "A" button slightly unnerved

Wii: You know if you did these on a regular basis you would improve.
Your balance needs improvement.
Fight the fat!
Not bad, but maybe if you weren't gay you could do a proper jack knife.
I saw you eating that McDonalds in your office. That is going to cost you Fit Coins.
Please choose the reason you are worthless, fat and lazy.
Maybe you should buy our new game Wii -eating disorders.
Wii are everywhere.

Lucas: Presses "A" button in quiet desperation

I tell you, it has gotten to the point that I choose what and where I eat based on if I think the Wii is going to give my crap about it. By connecting it to the Internet, I have unleashed it. I buy junkfood in cash so there is no electronic fingerprint the Wii can trace. I work hard all day and have to come home to the TV turning itself on and the Wii trainer with his smug little pony tail saying...

The Wii has ended this blog post.

Certainty

2008-12-12T09:43:00.000-06:00

At my job we have a saying, "People are more important than programs." But programming is a lot easier.

Yesterday I arrived just in time to help the coroner carry out the body of my friend's dad. It was all very matter-of-fact. "Hey buddy can you help me with this?" It didn't dawn on me till half way down the icy steps what was inside of that bag on the stretcher. I would have come because of friendship, but I was there as a pastor. The difference is that the friend sits with the family, but the pastor speaks words of comfort and hugs EVERYONE knowing what to say. At least I think that is the case because that seems to be what the eyes of everyone in the kitchen were yearning for as they stared at me.

Questions seem to bubble to the surface as soon as you are semi-alone with the family members. "I just feel angry. Is that wrong?" "Are you certain where my Dad is now?" In that moment you want to be able to just say anything to make them feel better. But what about truth? So you try to do both and it just comes out awkward. So you just listen as they corner you one at a time while everyone else hustles around trying to find something to do. Something to fix. Something that will make it seem like they are making this better.

That is the most frustrating thing about death. You can't fix anything. You can't fix the deceased. You can't EXPLAIN to the family that what they are feeling will get better. I can contribute though. I wrote the sermon for funeral last night. Words that seems trite compared to what is going on in their hearts. The hope of Christ is the only thing that shields us from death, but experiencing that love is different than saying that to a room full of people that may or may not even have the slightest idea what it is.

I just want to be there for my friend.

Juvenile

2008-11-16T10:54:00.000-06:00

Juvenile. One of those things that are a secret, but not really a secret is that grown-ups are just kids with money and drivers licences. It is one of the things that everyone really knows, but it says in the background and is never acknowledged. But every once in awhile you let that little, immature child peek out. Other times you let it run wild soaring on wings like eagles.

Thursday I took off a day of work because at midnight (Wednesday night/Thursday morning) a video game was being released to the public. At first my friends and I would say, "I'm not going to the midnight release because I have a life... I'm not that much of a nerd... I'm a grown-up." But that didn't last very long, because we realized how few times we have a chance to really let our inner nerdy child run wild. So we saw the opportunity and we seized it. It was not beneficial to our health, our career, or the general well-being of all mankind. But it was fun.

Then after the deed was done, we gathered ourselves up, showered the night and day from our bodies and resolved ourselves to joining the rest of civilized society. We parted ways with the understanding that we would never speak of these things until the next gathering. As we grow older, I would encourage you not to skip these weekend flings with your closest childhood friend... your own inner child.

Politics

2008-11-10T23:32:00.000-06:00

"If it ain't broke don't fix it" is the campaign slogan of the lazy and mediocre.

Extortion

2008-11-03T09:24:00.000-06:00

As I watched the clerk across the counter pick up the scanner and swipe it across my choices in a motion he had obviously done enough that it had become a reflex, I found my mind drifting into wondering what the life of a thirty year old video clerk would be like. I didn't really get past the stack of pizza boxes in my mother's basement when I was yanked from my fantasy by my total flashing on the screen. Five dollars to rent a movie! Really! The clerk, not knowing if I was paying attention or maybe he was just used to the shocked expression, repeated my total. Immediately I went rigid with self-control because my first inclination was to reach over the counter a slap him. I could see it clearly in my head...

"It's 9.98."

SMACK

"I'm sorry, what was the total again?"

I have since decided that I could not, in good conscious, be a thirty year old video clerk.

Tenuous

2008-10-30T10:30:00.000-05:00

Recently, I have been trying as hard as I can to become informed about what is going on in the USA and abroad. It is an election year which means I have to catch up on four years of politics so I can not pay attention for an other four in hopes that the man elected will not share my distractions. But recently, there is a sense of urgency in my learning. I have discovered the sad state of affairs that our country is in and have devised a plan of action. Which is why I have decided to run for President. I think that is a good starting place, but I actually don't think that is enough power to set the world right. Maybe I will work for MTV... that might have more influence.

What is really funny is all the things lately that people think will effect my relationship with them. The conversation started with my wife telling me "Don't worry!" she would not ask me who I was voting for. I replied "McCain" before she finished her sentence. I don't believe a married couple should agree on everything, but they shouldn't hide anything. She is "undecided" but I couldn't care less who she voted for. Okay that is not true, but it wouldn't come between our marriage. Everyone gets an opinion and lately voting is picking the lesser of two (not evils) less than inspiring leaders. I'm curious how this goes down in other households.

Soft

2008-10-22T09:12:00.000-05:00

I have never considered myself a people pleaser or a peace keeper. In high school my personal manifesto was "Screw you, I'm doing what I want to do." In college, I had a reputation as being "kind of an @$$ until you got to know me better." I've never really cared a tremendous amount about fitting in. So, why is it that I so desperately yearn for my niece to like me!?!

My niece is the most beautiful little girl in the whole world right now. She is smart and cute and really really tiny for her age. But she is so darn fickle, and it drives me up the wall. One day she will shout "uncla ewck" which is suppose to be "uncle Luc" and point and me wanting to play. We will sing songs and make faces at each other. This past weekend we went to the pumpkin farm and walked around together touching every pumpkin and saying the word. I find such fulfillment in the short time I spend with her.

Then there are days where she is scared of me and wants nothing to do with me. No kisses, no hugs, and no fun with Uncle Luc. It makes me so frustrated. Not only her bi-polar love, but the fact that I care so much about my brother's daughter.

Rite

2008-10-17T15:00:00.000-05:00

Some of you are familiar with the tragic saga that is my brother. For those of you who are not... it is pretty tragic. The relationship between us can be summarized as thus: He does whatever is convenient for him in that moment, I try to do what is best. To an outsider this may look to be abusive. For us, it is tradition. It is not that he intends to hurt me, he just doesn't even consider the consequences to myself or any other person as long as it benefit's him. This seems like a cruel fate to have your own blood be poison, but it really has had a strange side effect.

I can't count how many times in one day I hear people say, "It shouldn't work like that" or "They shouldn't be like that." And I just tilt my head slightly, look them dead in the eye and say, "Why wouldn't it be like that?"

I think most people through tradition or perception can formulate an idea of how things "should be" in this world. Some even have a heightened sense of right and wrong. These people have a lot of rage. Because the world doesn't really work the way it should. But at some point, don't we incorporate that into our world view?

For example: Some one who is self-absorbed won't shut up about their new outfit long enough to ask you why you are in a bad mood. This makes you even more angry. You say, "I can't believe he/she didn't notice!" And I would say to you, "That person is self-absorbed, why would you expect them not to be self-absorbed today?"

So the side effect is that when I see situations and relationships I look at them from start to finish and see people for what they are. When you see someone for who they are, compassion sometimes replaces anger. Why wouldn't that person try to take advantage when they have been scammed their whole life? Of coarse she is fake, she has no friends and doesn't know how to be a friend. He is a jerk, he was yesterday and unless something changes, he will be one tomorrow... so why would that surprise or anger you?

The important thing is what we do in reaction. Because lets be honest most people won't change because someone gets angry with them. You can't make them see how much they hurt you. Even if the world comes crashing down around them they will never say, "Wow, (your name) was right!" There will never be any satisfaction through other people. So... can I do what is right, not for any other reason or person accept me? Can I do what is right even if it means I get trampled? If I comment back, if I get revenge, if I cut that person out of my life... what or who does that make me?

Predestined

2008-10-16T10:06:00.000-05:00

I'm somewhere in between "it drives me crazy" and "actually it is kind of helpful."

Most guys that I know have a duck tale. I don't mean that fabulous show with the catchy theme song that I may or may not know all the words to... and you do too. And I don't mean an actually tale either. On our hairlines, there is this place where stupid meets annoying. It's formation is a mystery. On the even line or nice curve that our barbers and beauticians sculpt our hair into there is the piece that juts out ever so slightly and forms a reverse tear drop that I think looks like the tale of a duck. Some men are even blessed enough to have "the pitch fork" where the duck tale is flanked on both sides by two thick stripes of neck hair that grow down toward the shoulder blades.

(Lets pause for the ladies to throw up a little in their mouths)

So my question is... are we fighting nature here guys? Are we all really suppose to be jocking the rat tail? Socially the rat-tail is usually a badge that says, "Yes... I live in a trailer... it's a double-wide." But what if they are just not fighting it anymore? What if this is our destiny?

Curency

2008-10-09T21:51:00.000-05:00

For all of the toys that I own and the vast supply of high-tech equipment I operate (and love) on a daily basis, sometimes I feel like I was born in the wrong century.

In this season, the harvest season, the feeling is more prevalent. Men are working their land, bringing in the crops to sell for a fair price. Store some, use some for feed, and sell the rest to a country that can't decide if they want to eat it, smoke it, or use it for gas. Today, it is magnified I think by the state the economy is in. Farming seems like a simpler existence. It is timeless. Man toils with the earth to provide. I love reading books about a land in the time of kings and queens. Life was hard, but people worked the land and everyone contributed to the life of the village. If they were strong and diligent they celebrated living one more year.

Now it seems that the whole infrastructure and economy of, not only our country, but the world is being decided by imaginary money (credit) wielded by people who would have probably died in week one on the Oregon Trail. From what I can discern of this mess, which is not much, is that men in suits who deal in imaginary money made some poor calls. This means the government has to take our real money, money we earned, and give it to the men in suits and hope they decide to give loans again... to who? Us. The people who just gave our taxes to them. All in hopes that men will continue to trade pieces of businesses that none of them have ever worked at. I saw today that the market was doing good, until someone overheard the president of some financial institution say he was "thinking" about doing something, and the stocks plunged. Now people are going to get laid off because some guy was just "thinking" about making a decision.

To me, the solution to this is simple. We have to many worthless people making million dollar salaries screwing up our economy with their pretend money. If this was a simpler time, these people would actually have to contribute to society (make something of use), serve in an army, or starve in the winter. Some of the down falls of an increase in medical advances and the "sophistication" of our country is that the weak and crooked ones aren't being weeded out of the herd.

P.S. I know the whole country is going down the tubes, but I just bought gas for $3.20.

Now that is sexy.

Preoccupation

2008-09-10T10:26:00.000-05:00

If one were to go into a gas station to pay for their purchases and recognize that the pregnant attendent is an old aquantence, what do you say? "What have you been up to?" just doesn't seem appropriate.

Paradigm

2008-09-02T13:07:00.000-05:00

During our Labor Day cookout, I thought I had a stroke of genius. But as it turns out, my brilliance will not be lauded through song for a thousand years.

Our neighbors have a litter of five kittens. So with children in attendance I decided it would be a great idea to introduce small mammals into the mix. You know, shake things up. Little did I know that placing the paws of the smallest, cutest, orange ball of fur on my rug broke the seventh seal and signaled the beginning of Armageddon.

The beginning of the end started with a siren like wail emanating from Maggie. She was so excited to see the kitten that she thought that the best thing she could do to express herself was run at break-neck speeds directly at it, point a tiny chubby little finger in its face, and scream "KITTY" over and over as loud and at as high a frequency as she could reach. Elisha's reaction (as typical of little boys) was to quietly approach and touch. And by touch I mean go for the throat.

So the violent scramble of children, was met with an equally quick rush of adults to restrain the children before I had to walk next door and politely explain "Um... we broke your kitten." Once the children realized they would not get to beat the kitten senseless to express their heart-felt love and excitement, the floods came and there was weeping and gnashing of teeth. In order to put out the fire, I decided gasoline was the best solution. So I got another kitten so each child could sit with their own kitten closely supervised. This prison visitation style of kitten love, was not well received. Maggie was inconsolable and refused to use an inside-voice while Elisha had to be restrained while he shouted at his mother "Don't taze me bro!"

The whole situation ended with Maggie going home, Elisha being distracted by something shiny, and the adults falling in love with the gray kitten while Nick traumatized the orange one by putting it inside his child's hollow bat. Once it realized the bat cave was a refuge, it stayed in the bat and took a nap, or fell into a stress related coma... I'm not sure.

I just marveled that at one point in my own early life, in response to the question "What should I do?" my decion making paradigm probably encluded such options as: cry, run at it and scream, pick it up by the neck, make as much noise as possible, crap in my pants, put it in my mouth, and sit on it. If only I still responded in the same way.

Click here to see what happened to Nick.

Status

2008-08-26T15:54:00.001-05:00

I find it refreshing when people give an honest status update. Whether through Facebook, or just when asked... "How are you?", honest and strait-forward answers are by far the most interesting.

This morning I exchanged these messages (via text) with a friend...

"How R U?"

"Hungry. You?"

"Sexy."

Also, to spice things up, you can include activities like video games, books, and movies in your status update, but be vague as to how these deeds were accomplished.

"What did you do today?"

"I went into work this morning, but things didn't pick up till this afternoon."

"Yeah? What did you do in the afternoon?"

"I started by laying siege to this castle, but that was taking too long, so I watched the police bust up a drug running cartel, and shot my friend Chris in the head since he was screwing around and not helping fight the Germans.... what an idiot."

And if you are wondering if I talk to my fiance' like this... I do.

Crash

2008-08-21T10:35:00.000-05:00

Apparently the missing half of the slogan "Get You There" reads, "Get you (and only you) there, but you'll be hungry." Delta Airlines is now charging it's passengers for tickets, bags, and snacks... that's right... snacks. As if I didn't need one more reason not to fly Delta. So quite literally their only concern is to get your person to the destination with no regard for luggage or caring for you in the air.

When your organization is in trouble and the chips are down... every decision makes or breaks your future. And in my opinion only the bold survive.

Maybe it is lack of faith. Maybe it is fear. Maybe it is ulcers. But it is the same every time. A organization reaches an impasse. It has grown in size, it has to shift direction, it has to reevaluate, or it is in financial trouble. So the decision makers come to THE meeting to find THE answer. Whether or not the people in the room know it, they are there to only make one decision. They think they are there to talk about business models, vision, and damage control. But all of these are just HOW you are going to proceed. The question that needs answering is FORWARD or BACKWARD and there is no third direction. "Maintain" "Riding it out" are illusions. FORWARD or BACKWARD?

In this meeting, someone will make a bold suggestion. We should go after a new market. We should proceed. We should spend money to make money. We should be more active in the community. Lets bring in new blood. Of course, it is risky, but better to go out with a fight then die a slow death. This will be met with a few hesitant nods and some mixed mummers. The responsibility and sacrifice lies with the leadership of the organization... and that makes everyone uncomfortable.

Then the spineless will get their excuse to back down from the wormy guy in the corner... who, of course, was never really in favor of the things that has brought the organization to this point. You know, the guy who knew it all along. And he delivers his miracle. You know, we don't have to be responsible for the failure. We don't have to take risks that might put us in a tough spot. We can just pass the cost onto the customers. We don't need to grow, we need to start building the walls that hold out the problems and keep us safe (without considering the problems are inside the walls or even in the room). Lets charge for bags and snacks. If we make everyone else shoulder the cost, we don't have to sacrifice a thing. And even if the business, the church, or the organization fails we can milk it for at least a while longer.

FORWARD or BACKWARDS? Delta will crash. No one wants to pay $5 for a bag of chez-its. I'll fly Southwest who not only is not charging extra for bags and snacks, but is making it more comfortable to fly. And Southwest will grow and Delta will not. How do small-minded and tight-fisted men who lack vision get into positions of leadership?

Has anyone else been to this same meeting?

Service

2008-08-12T14:21:00.000-05:00

Unbelievable.

I like to think that I have some empathy for people in the service industry. I apologetically hassled homes as a telemarketer for a short spell, cleaned up after students while washing dishes, and helped people eat fresh as a Sandwich Artist at Subway. I also was a waiter (server) at Cracker Barrel for one of the stranger portions of my life. I say strange because everyone working at the country fresh restaurant was either a Bible college student, an ex-stripper, a current stripper, or a combination of these. But never in all my years have I ever ignored a customer to the point that they would leave.

Unbelievable.

After a hard day of moving and playing video games, Tyler and I found ourselves craving a Frisco Melt and chili from Stake and Shake. Those of you that know the craving can sympathize. So we went to the local S & S, were greeted, were seated... and there we sat. We sat patiently for fifteen minutes. No one so much as looked in our direction. I guess the three servers, two cooks, and one manager were WAY too busy waiting on the other three parties that were there. The place was not busy. We were baffled. It was even more ridiculous that earlier we had left a restaurant at lunch... so we did it again. We just left and drove down the road to the other Steak and Shake by the mall.

Unbelievable.

Of course, this wouldn't be blog worthy if it didn't reach a level of ridiculous that is recognizable from space. And it did. We drove to the other Steak and Shake, were greeted, were seated... and there we sat. We sat for about five minutes... an other couple came in, were seated and their order was taken. We still sat there. Just as I was rising to go to my car to get the necessary materials to burn this place to the ground... they sent the trainee to wait on us. A crisis averted. I mean if one business's service sucks, you just go down the road, but what if all service sucks?

Foundation

2008-08-07T18:22:00.000-05:00

The saying goes, "... it's like pizza. Even when it is bad it is still good." Pizza is just one of those things that is really hard to mess up. That doesn't mean that all pizza is made equal. Absolutely not. Some stand above the rest, each being appreciated for its superiority in its own subtle differences. For instance, I don't really enjoy Pizza Hut, however, their stuffed-crust is genius and the taco pizza is one of my favorite pies. Monicals thick crust?!? Is there such a thing?!? And if you want Chicago's deep dish you need to go to Gino's East or go home.

It seems you can put just about anything on pizza and it is tolerable. Toppings don't really make or break the pizza. It is the basics that count. Crust, spices, cheese and sauce. Make a pie with a weird topping and you can shrug it off as not great but still pizza. But, I have never in my life been more shocked than when I was duped into going to Emo's pizza. They make their pizza with provel cheese "St. Louis Style." It sucks. And anyone that says different is a dirty communist. You don't want to be a communist do you?

I just had a slice from a mom and pop pizza place someone offered me, and the sauce tastes like it was made in someone's arm pit... or Decatur. And it is always shocking to find pizza that is actually "bad" not just mediocre. But every time it happens, its not the toppings. It is the fundamentals that get lost in the quest for "interesting" dishes. So for all you up and coming pizza places... make sure you can walk before you run. And don't be a communist.

Reposition

2008-08-05T12:01:00.000-05:00

Lord knows that by this time I should be an expert at moving. I've called hotel rooms "home" and lived by the graciousness of spare bedrooms more times then I wish to recall. My baggage is travel worn and I'm sure that post offices and DMVs all over the mid-west rue the day my name appeared on their forms. But the truth is, moving is not systematic. In fact, the art of relocation is an awkward dance that will stretch your endurance as much as it stretches your relationships.

Nothing just fits. The doors and corners aren't wide enough, and all the stuff in my life doesn't fit into this new space like it did in the old. But this is the way of change. You decide to move to the next space: a new house, a new job, a new relationship, a new marriage. Nothing just fits. It is push and pull. Some things stay. Others, even though they still work, just don't fit anymore... and they have to be stored away until their day rises again, or they simply have to go. Forcing doesn't work. I mean sometimes you have to use something until you can replace it, but you can't kid yourself... it doesn't look good with the new surroundings. And if you are combining two lives into one space... forget about simple.

Simple is overrated. Two people moving into one space is about compromise... not simple. It's no longer about what I want or what they want, but what fits best in this new location. Even though I own just enough plastic tubs to pack my life neatly into boxes, and I do, it is not just me anymore. New spaces come with new challenges and new opinions. Even your friends feel the effects. "Can you help me move?" The sounding horn of change is met with silence, resistance, and spite if it happens too often. Nothing is simple.

Some things in my life are becoming staples that will survive the move with me, but leases are temporary and change is a much inevitable as it is not permanent. Every change, every move is slightly awkward, but it is our ability to adapt that will make or break us.

Inovate.

2008-07-25T10:40:00.000-05:00

I had a thought that occurred to me today on my way to work that blindsided me. Sometimes there are moments when someone is fiercely outraged about something only to be brought a piece of evidence that makes them reconsider their whole argument. There is that pause (sometimes mid-sentence and it is written all over their face "What if I've been wrong this whole time?"

I was driving to work and decided to stop at my favorite BP to get a drink. As I was pulling in, I glanced at the price of unleaded and was momentarily relieved to see that it had dropped below four dollars per gallon. That warm caress of relief was then roughly thrust aside by my righteous anger at being conditioned through the numbing effects of shock value to accept four dollars a gallon as the standard price of gasoline. It was not four years ago that my anxiety over gas prices found its central median at one dollar per gallon and I was outraged if the price climbed over fifty cents past the bench mark. Further more I was annoyed at our government's inability to deal with this problem. But here is the twist.

"What if it is all on purpose?" And crazier than that "What if things are better this way?" On the United Nations list of major issues there are a few that line up with the top seven things the American government listed as this millennium's issues. Energy consumption was on both lists. Maybe this is too "conspiracy theory" but whether it is intentional or accidental "being green" is only at the forefront of the news these days because Americans finally found a common ground with the hippie environmentalists... our wallets. Of course, no one would come out and say that. That would be political suicide. However, people are paying attention now. Save the whales... eh. Save the Rain Forest... you mean the cafe'? Why wouldn't I use oil indiscriminately... it is cheep. Why would we change the combustion engine?

Taking care of our planet is not a priority for most. Doing the right thing because it is the right thing to do is not our natural inclination. We need insensitive. We need to know what is in it for us. I don't like paying four dollars per gallon for gas, but let's face it... when the price doubled, Americans didn't even flinch. When just kept consuming. Triple, still going. If this is what it takes to make us wake up and find new energy sources and take care of the planet then I will endure.

It was just a lot to process when all I wanted was a beverage.

Nerfed.

2008-07-22T13:39:00.000-05:00

As one grows older, stories or yesteryear seem to just come streaming from your lips before you can dam them up and contain them under the heading "No One Cares But You Grandpa." However sometimes one has to relieve the tension and allow some current lest the levy break.

There used to be one and only one measure of success when it came to building, owning, and operating a swimming pool. The diving board. Is there a diving board? How is the spring on the board? How high is it off the water? After all, the fun of swimming is not actually being in the water, but getting in and out of the water in the most creative ways that we can find. This mindset is the explanation for the line of shivering, wet boys holding there elbows while standing in a line outside of the pool. They and their chattering teeth are waiting their turn to show everyone else how spectacular their entrance into the cool blue can be. And so, they go in and out and back again because they push their art form to be bigger, higher, and better executed.

Disappeared. Where are the heroes of the high dive? Maybe it was one too many faulty flips ending in painful belly flops. Perhaps the duties of life guarding is too stressful, the whistles being abused by power hungry teens headed for careers in the post office. Who knows why, but we all saw it coming. First the high dives were replaced with small slides. Then the low boards were abducted leaving only bolt holes in the concrete... a monument to the fun that once was. Are they gone completely? In our quest to turn the globe into a soft foam ball so Sally doesn't scrape her knee, are we wiping out fun faster than we can down the rainforest? The boards are extinct and the deep ends are endangered, but shhhhh... it will be okay because you can play Wii diving in the safety of your home. So label all the risks "X-treme", stay in the shallow end, and enjoy your padded room. Me and my skinned knee will be outside playing on the concrete at dangerous heights and break neck speeds.

@ PETA

2008-06-25T13:41:00.000-05:00

Get a life.

In the news today, PETA is going after the Wimbleton Tournament because they hired marksman to shoot pidgeons. The Tournament actually has pet hawks that scare away most of the pidgeons, but a few slipped through and were landing on the tennis courts and food courts. So, they killed them. They killed the pidgeons, the birds nicknamed "rats with wings." And poor little PETA thinks that is cruel. So I would like to say some things to PETA on behalf of the people of America that agree with me.

1. Why are you even watching tennis?

2. Pidgeons are one of the most disgusting, disease carrying animals and they were in the food court. It is a health issue, and who cares if we kill three... there are billions of them.

3. They are not torturing the birds... they just shoot them. It is more humane than the electric chair... that we strap humans to.

4. No body likes you. Anyone who is not a card-carrying member of PETA thinks you are rediculous. Why? Of all the issues in the world today, the PEOPLE dying all over the world... you are concerned with pidgeons.

5. Get a life. That is all.

Hybrids....and why I'm being screwed by the ones I trusted.

2008-06-20T10:07:00.000-05:00

Over the coarse of the four years I have owned my Toyota Matrix, I have fallen in love with it. It is more than just the normal maintenance, love/hate relationship every man inherently has with his vehicle. There is just something there between a man and his car that is different from the connection a woman has with her car. He doesn't even have to be a "car guy" to have this tangled web of loathing and love for the vehicle he has been through so much with. But on the other hand, my relationship with The Matrix borders on unhealthy.

In fact, I refer to it as "The Matrix" and probably don't go one week with out vocalizing to someone (usually Charissa) about being genuinely impressed by it. The head room, the versatility, the cargo room, the sleek design, and the wall outlet on my dashboard... these are just a few of my favorite things.

But Alas, I'm not what you would consider a "good driver" and The Matrix has taken some scrapes here and there. So I took it to Toyota, the makers who introduced the two of us and they stroked The Matrix lovingly and said, "We can fix her... make her whole again. And we can do it for around $700." I agreed and then left in a rental Prius Hybrid.

I really don't like this car. Hybrid or not, its like driving a golf cart. It is so unsafe. The blind spots are terrible and the climate control is overbearing, but I can't take my eyes off the touch screen on the dash. It shows me the current MPG I'm getting at all times. I'm not even watching the roads or the speed limits, just the screen. It's like a video game. The better MPG, the higher the score. And when I only put 5 gallons of gas in it... that was 3/4 of a tank. Glory sweet glory.

The Matrix is still not fixed... and Toyota is sicking it to me with a bill that is almost double what they started with. I started off mad. But now I feel like a parent with a child held for ransom. "I'll pay anything you want, just bring The Matrix home... just bring it home." God, I'm sick.

Combo points

2008-06-06T17:05:00.001-05:00

"I'm afraid if I tell you what it is... you won't even try it." - Dr. Hannibal Lector

As I sojourn on this earth, I find my self eating food that appears strange, maybe even repulsive, yet turns out to be pleasantly surprising. There are a number of strange dishes I have tried, but I'm fascinated most by the dishes resulting in the combination of two unlikely heroes. The odd couple de jour so to speak.

Today I ate my Wendy's fries (which are not particularly great) with a chocolate frostie (which is simple chocolate soft-serve). Apart, they are too salty or too ho hum. But together they create an explosion of taste on your palette. The same is true of McDonald's french fries with McDonald's sweet and sour sauce, or Monical's pizza with Monical's french dressing! It's the combinations that make these foods truly great.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm really hungry... someone get me some Monical's pizza!

Monogamy... the duct tape for the world.

2008-06-03T13:35:00.000-05:00

I love duct tape. It literally fixes everything but duct work.

When people ask me why I am a Christian, my immediate response is "Well, it would be awkward for me to go into work if I wasn't." (I am a minister). But being a smart-elic aside, I tend to think that the Bible contains in it all the fundamentals to having a great life and a wonderful society. I mean, call me crazy, but I believe that practices that are deemed as "moral" or "biblical" in the Judeo-Christian sense of the word are actually just good business as far as world affairs go. Let's take for instance Monogamy...

Monogamy: "Traditionally" this is the practice of only taking one sexual partner.

Ideally, a boy and girl meet, they get married and only have sex with that person until one of them dies. At that point the surviving person may take another sexual partner until they die. Etc. Etc. Etc.

On the downside, we may have to exercise some self-control.

On the plus side, if this is practiced globally, it would eliminate ALL sexually transmitted diseases. You could wipe out AIDS, herpes, pretty much everything but pubic lice. You have to shower to do that. You would reduce the number of unwed mothers to only those widowed. No more rape, no more divorces screwing up kids, no more affairs tearing apart marriages, no more prostitution.

It is crazy to think about what would happen if everyone could just agree to do this one thing. But rather than keep it in our pants we would rather donate money to AIDS relief and take pills so it doesn't burn when we pee. Oh, well.

Excerpts from 101 Ways to Annoy Your Wife

2008-05-28T13:14:00.000-05:00

As our relationship progresses, I find that I need to start writing down some things to remember. Charissa and I are not even married yet, but I'm fairly certain I could fill a book with the things I can do to push her buttons.

Sample Chapters will include:
Pet Names I shouldn't call her - Charizard, Clarissa, Charissa Ho-land
Places Not To Touch - Armpits, elbows, ears
Single Words That Make Her Skin Crawl - Mesquito, Bacon, Moist
Topics To Avoid - Warcraft, Video Games, Video Games, Video Games

I've honned my craft to a fine art.

Just wondering...

2008-05-06T13:55:00.000-05:00

Does anyone know why our government doesn't actually make money?

I'm only 27, so I haven't been following politics closely till a few years ago so I'd just like to know if there is some law against it or something.

For example the state of Illinois has the lottery. The state of Illinois has a business that generates money for the State. Obviously the system is full of corruption, but I didn't know if the government can or does do that on a federal or national level to make money, or if their ONLY source of income is taxation.

The reason I ask, is that I hear a lot about how candidates and congressmen would use the money we have, but not anything about making new money somewhere. Is that too Communist? Government businesses?

Don't Give Up The Dream

2008-05-05T09:54:00.000-05:00

I haven't eaten for 36 hours.

All I want is a piece of toast. After being deathly ill and I'm pretty sure I threw up pieces of my own spine... I can have solid foods. All I want is just one little piece of toast. I have the bread. It is in my hand. Oh sweet Lord, it is even cinnamon raisin toast.

I can't find the toaster. In my house it just sits on the counter. My parents either hide their toaster somewhere in their bathroom, or I have moved into some insane world where they buy a kind of bread that is specifically made to be toasted, but don't have a toaster.

I haven't eaten for 37 hours.

This is nuts. I just saw my mom make toast the other day. Where is the toaster?!? Where do they keep it?!? I am so frantic, I checked the crisper drawer in the fridge and their bedroom. Who do I have to strap to a chair and question?!? Do they take it with them to work? Is it in the shop? Everything is turned around. For a year and a half I have gotten used to where I put things and now I can't find the toaster. What kind of sick joke is this?

...

My cereal was breathtaking, after I found the milk.

In Need Of Being Needy

2008-05-03T11:15:00.000-05:00

In my line of work, you are more likely to help someone than to get helped by someone. Lately, I've had a slew of opportunities to clean up after other people's messes. Procrastinators, poor planners, and people that rely on the kindness of the church because they are such jerks they don't have any friends.

The worst part is that if you tell someone that you are not going to clean up their mess, it is not going to be an epiphany for them. They didn't get this far in life by being introspective. You are just going to end up being the bad guy. And usually when I reach my breaking point I hear this annoying voice in my head saying, "Do you love me... then feed my lambs."

Last night I just went to bed wondering when someone was going to do something for me with no strings attached.

This morning I woke up and remembered the Cubs tickets I was given and I walked out of my room to find that all my laundry was done by my dad and my mom made be breakfast...

Wedding Reception Playlist Update

2008-04-23T13:00:00.000-05:00

Push It by Salt-N-Pepa
Love Shack by The B52's
Hey Yeah by Outcast
Rappers Delight by The Sugar Hill Gang
Don't Stop Til You get Enough by Michael Jackson
Funkey Cold Medina by Tone Loc
Whoomp! (There It Is) by Tag Team
Super Freak by Rick James
Respect by Aretha Franklin
No Diggity by Blackstreet
Things That Make You go Hmmmm by C&C Music Factory
Dreamlover by Mariah Carey
Everybody Have Fun Tonight by Wang Chung
Faded by Souldecision
Dance to the Music by Slay and the Family Stone
Baby Got Back by Sir Mix A Lot
Smooth by Santana
Truly Madly Deeply by Savage Garden
Addicted To Love by Robert Palmer
She Bangs by Ricky Martin

More to follow. Oh man. I've been laughing so hard writing this list that my face hurts.

The Prologue

2008-04-17T15:08:00.000-05:00

There are two kinds of us.

Some of are all business. When you are telling us a story we are listening, but we are still screaming "What is the point! Get to the point!" When we are here to work, we work. When we sit down to a meal we eat with the speed and efficiency of marines in boot camp so that we can move on to what is next. You know us. It is not enough to get to our destination, we need to "make good time."

Some of us savor. And the Lord spoke saying, "You will know them by their lateness." The world moves a little slower. They stop working to talk to whomever for whatever reason. They are the last ones finished with their meals because they are talking and dessert is a requirement more than an option. And it is not enough to get to our destination, we need to take the most beautiful route.

It used to take me 3 to 4 months to read a book. I would construct detailed images of each character no matter how small their role in the plot is. I would often reread chapters to have a better understanding of the minor sub-plots while looking for holes in the logic of science fiction books. I would take the words on the page, roll them around on my tongue, and I wouldn't dare swallow until I had sucked all the flavour out of each syllable.

Now it takes me 3 to 4 days to demolish a book. The characters have no faces and the language has no taste. My driving force is to find out what happens as fast as I can, because whether or not I can see these fictitious faces, I know that every time I put the book down their conflict hasn't been resolved. I'm more concerned with what happens rather than who it happens to. Unfortunately, these days books don't end. There is no "and they lived happily ever after..." Every author wants to write the sequel so we have to leave the characters unresolved. They want to be the next Bourne Identity or the next Harry Potter. So readers like me just gorge themselves digesting page after page until we finish the book. Then the prologue is just the empty feeling of coming down off a high and wondering where are we going to get our next fix.

So... read any good books lately?

On Customer Service...

2008-04-08T14:50:00.000-05:00

So would you pay more for a product if the customer service was better?

Wal-Mart: I went to the mecca of Midwestern society to pick up a bike since Charissa and I are beginning to explore this "playing outside" stuff. After I found one that suited my needs I was faced with a problem. I couldn't get it down. So I asked the nearest "associate" to help me. He didn't work in that area, but would get someone to help. After waiting fifteen minutes, I asked a very chipper young lady to page someone, but she was just getting off work. She paged someone anyway before leaving the store and my life forever. After an other fifteen minutes I decided to track down my next wall to talk to. I found the sporting goods guy at the hunting desk. His response to my asking for help was "Man, am I the only one in the store?!" Sorry to inconvenience you to help me with a purchase in your department. Sheesh.

On the other hand...

Menards: After we pedaled up hill into the wind for an hour, and I remembered why it was that I first bought a car... Charissa and I visited Menards for a bike chain to protect our new investments. We walked in the door, found a worker in the patio furniture department and asked him where the bike chains were. To my shock and awe, he drops what he is doing and walks us over to the bike chains, points out the assortment and the person who works in that department if we had anymore questions. And he isn't just a cool guy. It is store policy that EVERY worker must stop what they are doing and not leave your side until you find what you are looking for or pass you off to someone who knows. Wow.

I find it really sad that we are living in an era or maybe just an area where the people who are there to help you actually being helpful... is shocking. To me that sets you apart as a business. I will always shop at Menards over Lowes or Home Depot because of this policy. This is also why I will never purchase anything from Abercrombie. They instruct their workers to act better than the customer and seem inconvenienced if you disrupt their folding. What a crazy way to do business.

Non-miricles Of Science

2008-04-04T14:31:00.000-05:00

So the buzz on the Internet right now is a man named Thomas Beatie. Thomas claims he is pregnant. Not only is he claiming it, but it has been confirmed that he is, in fact, beginning his third trimester. I watched news clips of people calling it a hoax and others claiming they wanted proof. And, of coarse, Oprah brought Thomas and his partner on TV to talk about how hard it is to find maternity clothes for men. Some are calling it a miracle of science. Really?

If you listen or read carefully you will find that this is NOT A MAN. Thomas was born a woman. She had her breast tissue removed, her glands removed, and managed to grow a slightly white trash beard with the help of "man pills." However, she opted not to "adjust" her reproductive organs.

What a medical miracle!!! You mean to tell me that a woman with small breasts and facial hair artificially inseminated herself? It would have been a real miracle if she got pregnant naturally. Seriously people... she has a womb. Pardon me if I don't think that it is a dazzling scientific highlight of the new millennium. I can't believe this wo-man has the "balls" to parade around saying that she is a man. She has none of the male reproductive organs or even poor attempts to mimic them. I think the only thing this goes to show is that you can have all the surgery in the world... it doesn't change who you are.

I tell you what I really want to do is dress up a pregnant girl in a bird costume and plaster pictures all over the Internet of the "pregnant bird." Obviously a medical miracle. I think people might believe it. I kid you not a saw a woman interviewed who said, "I hope more men join this trend and become pregnant." WTF!

Click here to see this freak show.

Tales From The Retreat (Part 1)

2008-04-02T09:05:00.000-05:00

Being a man in a land of women is not nearly as provocative as it sounds... but it is quite interesting. I feel like a scientist who goes to live with the gorillas in their natural habitat. At first, I observe from afar. Slowly, carefully, I establish trust through imitating their behavior. Once I have put on a spa robe and made my way to the waterhole, I approach and eventually earn my own pool chair... my own spot in the group. From here I can more closely observe these incredible creatures.

Points of Interest: The biggest losers are honored.

From weight loss to social circumstances, surely the "last shall be first and the least shall be the greatest." The first night at dinner a game was played called "I Never..." Unbeknownst to the planner of this event, "I Never..." is really a drinking game. So when it was announced that this was to be the entertainment for the evening I got a little nervous. When consuming alcohol this species is prone to violent mood swings, increase in verbal activity, and the uncontrollable desire to drunk dial or send unintelligible text messages. While in the company of "the group" I always fear that moment when they might project their feelings toward all men on to me and I will be beaten severely or worse, trapped in a teary conversation with an emotional woman. (personally, I much prefer the beating)

But I stayed for the sake of science and played the game with my table. After all, I had some trump cards to play. The game is played like this: I say, "I have never......" and everyone at your table that HAS done that thing gives you a candy heart. So you gain hearts by finding an activity that everyone HAS done but you HAVE NOT. You of course, lose hearts for doing activities that others have not. I didn't fully grasp the game until the end. I figured I would win because I stated "I have never.... worn a bra... had a period." I collected two hearts from every woman at that table, while their answers were met with mixed responses. However, I did not win. I gave away a lot of hearts because I had driven through Iowa, visited Canada, gone to college, etc.

That's when it hit me. As the winning member of the group lofted her prize above her head and the other women half celebrated, half coveted this woman I was baffled. For surely this woman knew that the reason she won was because she had the least life experiences in the group. The way to win this game and be celebrated by the rest of the group was to never go anywhere, don't try anything new, and know the least amount of people possible. It all came together. Women want to have less body mass, women with back problems call the small breasted ones "lucky", and they give prizes to women who never leave the house. Less is more... unless you mean jewelry, attention, or chocolate.

More to follow on my dangerous encounter with women.

Too Busy NOT To Blog.

2008-03-27T09:37:00.000-05:00

1. We've spent a year and a half in our lovely town home. Now it is time to say goodbye... to my life. For the four month gap between the ending of my lease and the beginning of my marriage I will be residing in the spare bedroom of my parents house. It's funny, I always think their house is the perfect size... until I have to live in it. Try working with your Dad all day then going home to live with him at night. Well at least I can catch up on my John Wayne movies and watch golf on TV. SAVE ME!

For the record, my favorite thing about my town home was having a place to have cookouts.

2. I took the staff to my house for "Staff Lunch" to eat the left over "World Famous Tacos" which (in case you were wondering) is still world famous reheated. While we were there I introduced my Dad to the Wii. They became fast friends. I am beginning to believe that the Wii may have larger possibilities. I think if Nintendo actually made more Wii's we could end the fighting in the middle east. Jews, Muslims, Christians... we can all play Wii bowling.

For the record, I'm not very good at Wii bowling.

3. It's that time of year again. I'm going to the PCC Ladies Retreat. Why would a man go on a Ladies Retreat? I carry the heavy things and let's face it... someone has to use the remote. My next post will expand on these events.

For the record, I do like going because I get access to the spa.

@ Girls

2008-03-13T13:07:00.000-05:00

Recently my fiance wrote a post about men and video games. Her contention is that men don't grow out of being boys because they still play video games in their twenties and thirties. This isn't really the case. One has nothing to do with the other. Men act the same way with video games as they do with any competitive sport or activity. What this does bring up is most girl's lack of understanding or acceptance of video games as a legitimate activity.

In college there was a sad sick cycle.

At the college I attended I was NEVER bored. If I wasn't sleeping, eating, studying, in class, or going out with friends there were always video games to fill in the gaps of time. What's that? fifteen minutes to kill till class? Lets get a quick round of Smash Brothers in. Oh, crap we are late for class.

But unfortunately, the girls did not have the same experience. They weren't playing video games, board (bored) games, reindeer games, or any games. They were sitting around waiting for the boys to call. Because every girl came to college with the same five chick flick movies, watched them the first day and sat around bored the rest of the year.

Now this is where the break down exists. The girls would call us or see us and we would be yelling and laughing and having a great time (because we were playing video games). They would say, "Hey, they are having a lot of fun. We want to have a lot of fun, lets invite them over." And so like kids being lured with lollipops, us guys would stop our fun and go over to hang out with the girls. I don't know why. It was the same every time. We would arrive and their would be the initial meet and greet with a little flirting mixed in. And then the energy would be promptly sucked out of the room as the guys realized that we had been tricked. This would usually come in the form of a comment like, "Wait! That's your TV! I thought it was a microwave." Or the famous, "So what are we going to do?" "I don't know what do you want to do?" Oh No....

There was nothing fun going on here. They were expecting us to provide entertainment for them. Unfortunately, most of our fun consisted of video games and doing things that girls won't do because they are insecure and won't do something that might look or make them look "silly." In a desperate panic we would peruse their movies only to find one copy of The Wedding Planner for each girl who roomed at that location. Not that ten people could watch a movie on the heart monitor they called a television set anyway. Then we knew we were screwed, because the girls would be frustrated with us that we weren't fun when we came over. And we couldn't just leave because that would be social suicide. Things would get so awkward that eventually we would just try and get on the girls nerves so they'd make us leave.

We really couldn't win, because sometimes they would call and hear us having fun and want to come over to be where the fun was at. Of course when they arrived we were playing video games. They would insist that video games were not fun so we'd stop playing and the night would take a down hill turn because they didn't have any new ideas, so then no one was having fun.

In the end all of this could be avoided if girls would view video games as a legitimate activity that is fun. Sure, you're not going to be good at it right away, but that's fun too. However, they think it is for kids. And because girls don't want to appear silly and they all want to be older and more sophisticated then they really are... everyone suffers. I personally think if girls played more video games they would be better friends. They would get the competition out of the way with Mortal Combat and then wouldn't have a lot of time on their hands to be petty.

Thank God at least my fiance likes Wii Sports.

But Bivens had Video Game Music At His Wedding!

2008-03-11T13:33:00.000-05:00

So in preparation for my upcoming september wedding, Charissa and i have begun organizing the service and picking out music. We have alot of the music already, but we need a song to walk out to. You know, after the "I present to you, Mr. and Mrs. LM" and then we walk down the isle. So far Charissa has not been "thrilled" about my suggestions. Can you recomend something?

My suggestions are...

Nowhere to run - Martha Reeves & the Vandellas
Highway To The Danger Zone - Kenny Loggins
You've Got The Touch - Transformers The Movie (cartoon) Soundtrack
Let's Get It On - Marvin Gaye
You're The Best - Joe Esposito (Karate Kid Soundtrack)
Queen - Somebody to Love
The Darkness - A Thing Called Love

Dreams wrapped in candy goodness

2008-03-09T15:35:00.000-05:00

Smash Brothers Brawl was released today for Wii.

Don't be a Bivens.

Revenge of the Nerds!

2008-02-27T10:52:00.000-06:00

I am and have always been a nerd. Allow me to illustrate my point.

In the early years of my high school experience I was placed in a gym class that was everything you expect from a stereotypical gym class. Underclassmen were periodically thrown into the shower if you could not manage a death grip on your locker door like Chris who was suspended horizontally for a good 3 minutes while three seniors helped him put permanent finger shaped indents in his locker door. Or Thomas who wheeled himself out to stretches late because he was duct taped to a computer chair. But the fun didn't stop then...

Because gym was immediately followed by lunch. And seven of us who were in gym together and lets say "were in desperate lack of cool" sat at the table next to the seniors. We were each given nick-names like "Luc's Peep Show" "Hunch" "Ike" "Stewart" "Glass Eye" and "The Mole Man."
And just about every other day, the lunch room was captivated to see which one of us would get (be forced) to wear the hat that the seniors had made that day out of the various cups and containers they had eaten their lunch out of. Never before had cruelty been so avante garde. I would have saluted their creativity if I didn't have fry grease running down my forehead.

I had more than my fair share of experiences as a nerd in Jr. High and Sr. High. It used to be a daily grind on my self-esteem and let's just say it kept me on my toes. I used to wonder what life would have been like as one of the "beautiful" people.

But now I think that nerds are the "new black." With the help of Weezer, Napoleon Dynamite, the return of 80's fashion, Bill Gates (our leader), and all the other rich nerds dating supermodels... nerds have made a comeback. I would be proud to raise children who are nerds, (this will more than likely happen whether I like it or not) because it is not about being a social outcast anymore. It seems to be a right of passage to doing great things and being successful and well balanced. Because now that the flood of awkwardness has receded, it turns out my friends and I are well adjusted and ended up not that weird looking. Just wait til the reunion...

Making History...

2008-02-25T13:19:00.001-06:00

I'm pretty sure that someday historians and 9th grade history teachers will note this era as the reason America failed as a nation. You don't think it's true...?

In the entire history of this great country only one president has been impeached: Bill Clinton. Nixon was going to be impeached, but to save the country and himself the embarrassment, he choose to resign. But not Bill... Bill took time out of running the country to deny the allegations that he had partaken in "sexual relations" with an intern. In fact, the charge which may or may not have been a big deal for his political career was not what marred the character of our country. Our leader, the President of the United States, had the audacity to stand before a grand jury and pander about the meaning of the word "is". Because they more than proved that he had an affair. Now it was about proving that Bill had committed perjury. Which he had.

And once we had established that Bill Clinton, President of the United States committed perjury and gross misconduct... we did nothing. He didn't resign. He wasn't fired. If I lied for my buddy in traffic court I could be sentenced to up to five years in prison. Bill... nothing.

And now we are seriously considering making his wife... the woman who stood by him, condoned his perjury, and went along with sweeping it under the rug... President of the United States of America or (vice-president).

This will be coined as the era in which America failed. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! Does no one else notice this stuff?

Behold the Christmas Eagle Cometh!

2008-02-08T11:56:00.000-06:00

I have decided that when Charissa and I have kids, that I'm going to adopt some parenting methods that are... well... let's call it "less than conventional." Allow me to give you an example.

You never really know if your kids are actually listening to you when you speak to them, so I'm going to teach my children to make a "listening face." This will, of course, be one of the most ridiculous faces I can come up with. So if they make this particular face I know they are listening to what I'm saying. This becomes more fun when we send them off to school. I imagine the first parent/teacher conference. "Little Billy makes this face when ever I am teaching." "That's my boy! Good listening skills!"

Another case came up on New Years Eve. Charissa and I went to the Brookfield Zoo, which is actually a lot of fun on New Years Eve. It is a festival of lights.... LAZER LIGHTS! That's right, after the magician who gains his powers from his magic beard is finished with this conjuring, you can see a laser light show. This may be the lamest thing I have ever seen. Its laser representations of bears playing saxophone, zebra's running through the plains of Africa, and hippos doing the Do Wop in the background. But at one point as the circus style music reached a crescendo, a giant eagle swooped down. And in the midst of my excitement I shouted into the crowd, "Look! It's the Christmas Eagle! God bless us, everyone!" And I'm not sure, but I could have sworn I heard a small child tugging on his mother's coat say, "Mom, what's the Christmas Eagle?"

And so, at my house there will be no Santa Clause. I will teach my children about the Christmas Eagle. If you are a bad little boy or girl the Christmas Eagle leaves dead mice and magical Christmas Eagle poo on your pillow at night. But if you are a good girl or boy, the Christmas Eagle swoops down into your room and bestows upon you a special Christmas blessing. He does this by chewing up the Christmas spirit and regurgitating it into the sleeping boys and girl’s mouths just as he would do to his own chicks. I might make a claymation video. Oh Christmas Eagle....

The rule of 2's

2008-02-07T09:42:00.000-06:00

Rule of 2's: If a movie has a generic subject matter that no one holds exclusive rights to, it will be imediately followed by an other movie almost identical to it. Sometimes it seems like the same movie was filmed with different actors. Example: United 93 and World Trade Center were released 3 months apart in 2006. Example: 1492 and Columbus were released a month apart in 1992.

Rule of 2's: In harder math like Calculus, if you are facing a sample math problem in a text book the answer is almost definitly 2.

Rule of 2's: The second movie, or sequel, is always worse than the first unless followed by a third movie.

Rule of 2's: Having a pair of 2's in poker is a trap.

Rule of 2's: Two is better than one, until you cut yourself with a double bladed razor.

Rule of 2's: If one person wears an certain outfit, they are cool. If three or more wear the same outfit, they are a team. If 2 people wear the same outfit, they are gay.

The F word... Family.

2008-01-30T14:53:00.000-06:00

Seriously, sometimes I think I am just glutton for punishment.

I have always just assumed that brothers and sisters can not be friends. That has been the majority of my life experience. My mother's sister is a user, a stereotypical white-trash, pregnant at 15, live in a trailer, collecting disability after one day on the job user. My Dad's brothers and sister are selfish, contentious, and we barely know them. So when my brother and I decided that we wanted to be more than that, I thought we were going to defy the very laws of science.

Just recently my mother called me concerned that I had not asked my brother to be the Best-Man in my wedding. (I was the best man in his wedding) Not only that, but he did not even make the cut for usher. She said she was afraid I would hurt his feelings. And in that moment I had to explain to my mother that our plan (my brother and I) to be friends, as well as brothers, had failed miserably.

My whole life I have celebrated my brother's victories; large and small. I have supported him. When he asked me for advice over and over I patiently responded knowing he would do the exact opposite and tell my parents I agreed with him. I was there in his failures. I was there through his addictions. I have done a list of "favors" a mile long. The only thing I ever got in return is a loose loyalty that disappears as soon as it is inconvenient for him. He despises me. He never celebrates my victories. Every step I take that is positive, he views it as something that makes him look bad and he has no reservations about letting me know how "mediocre" my life and talents are.

And the truth is that almost all of my friends get along with their siblings. They have great, healthy, fun relationships with their brothers and/or sisters. They act like friends.

If my brother was not family I would never speak to him again. He is toxic. But he is family...

As long as we are building a wall in Mexico... can we deport the Spice Girls?

2008-01-24T18:21:00.000-06:00

Whenever it is an election year I begin to really think about America as a whole. Actually I think about it constantly, but I think every four years I think about it in a "I could make a difference with my vote" kind of way.

I'm really worried that America has some tough times ahead. The next twenty years could be pivotal. I think a great deal of our future is linked to idea of developing something we can export that the rest of the world could use. My suggestion...

I think we should use the technology of making ethanol from sea algae and corn, and instead of consuming 80% of the world's oil, lets export 80% of the world's clean burning fuel made from renewable resources. This will create jobs, give money to the American farmer, help the environment, free us from political obligations in the middle east, and (if the government taxes the exporting of it) could help us pay down the national debt.

If not, my runner up is bratty teenagers. We have tons of them, and as long as other countries want to be like America, lets give them some of our worthless teens that think they are entitled to everything.

A Christmas Story

2007-12-30T20:10:00.000-06:00

As a follow up to the previous story. On our way to the water park, Charissa and I passed two little boys in the hall. They had just left their hotel room and were urging their Dad to hurry up and come to the water park. One of these boys had a swimsuit on. The other was BUCK NAKED! That's right, this small child was so excited to go swimming that he just decided that the old "cash and prizes" didn't need to be tucked away in any itchy swimsuit netting. They were half way to the park when we saw the Dad emerge from his room and realize that his son's wiener was pointing the tourists in the wrong direction.

Later after spending about an hour at the park we passed the same Dad and the clothed boy in the hall. After recognizing us he looks up and say, "yeah, I still haven't got clothes on that other one."

Classic.

On the topic of life saving devices...

2007-12-30T19:34:00.000-06:00

Seriously, when did the hot tub become the kiddie pool. I can understand that you might make the mistake from a distance. A hot tub is similar in shape and size to a kiddie pool. But some of the tell-tale signs that this is, in fact, NOT the designated children's swimming area are...
1. The jets that churn up the water which come standard in hot tubs, and well... aren't in kiddie pools.
2. All of the men wearing gold chains with dark manes of back hair drinking Bud Light.
3. The fact that the water temperature is 104 degrees Fahrenheit.
4. And of course, the GIANT signage stating the rules for the hot tub.

But if one were to go to the indoor water park at the hotel I stayed at during Christmas break, you would not find the hot tub so easy to spot. You would see the kids play area of the water park, the body slide, tube slide, lazy river, pool basketball area, and .... wait where are all the kids... oh yeah... they are all jumping into the two 5x7 hot tubs.

Now, I'm not going to go as far as to say that these kids have bad parents. I'm just going to say they have stupid parents. For years doctors have been urging parents to keep kids out of the hot tubs because they are too hot, the chlorine levels are off the charts, it's not safe, etc. The hotels post signs that say no one under the age of 16 are allowed in the jacuzzi without direct supervision. But lets face it... Bill over here wants to sit in a jacuzzi and drink one or two or five Bud Lights, outline the hot tub in beer bottles, hit on the nearest two piece or his friend's wife (which was clear in a few occasions) and he can't do that while being a good parent, so lets just bring the kids with. I saw a child wearing a life vest, that couldn't be older than two, float around in the tub while mom and dad drink beer under the sign that states the ages for the hot tub and the warning about consuming alcohol and using "the spa."

And the parents shouldn't take the full blame. One hot tub had a life-guard sitting at it. I watched a group of four girl that were most likely in the second grade enter the hot tub. The life-guard's reaction was to twirl her gum in a counter-clockwise motion... this did not solve the problem.

The only thing I can credit this too is selfishness on the part of the adults. They didn't care about the other people who don't really sit in the jacuzzi to be splashed or supervise other people's kids. These parents just did what they wanted to do rather than play with their own children in the water park, or God forbid, be sober during the family vacation.

As Charissa and I played with my niece in the lazy river and the kid portion of the water park we vowed not to be those parents. But only time will tell.

Make The Call

2007-12-20T11:32:00.000-06:00

Does your job bleed over into your personal life?

Wait, maybe I mean: Does other peoples' personal lives bleed over into your job? I don't mean on a relational level, because that is inevitable. I mean like people bring you their mundane tasks because somehow they feel that you can run their life better than they can.

Now, I am not a network administrator and I am not employed by Best Buy on the Geek Squad, but I did live in a men's dorm in college. And if you lived in a men's dorm in college you played video games, and if you had any friends you played video games over a network. So unless you wanted to be the whiny guy, you learned a small small small small bit of information about setting up a network to play video games. Plus, because I like computers I have put a lot of time in learning the software that I use. So then this is what happens...

A lady I know just switched over to ComCast internet. And because I can click "next" on the windows network setup wizard at my work, my boss says, "oh, you should talk to Luc he is great with computers. I'm SURE that he wouldn't mind coming out to your house and fixing that." How did I just become tech support for ComCast? They employ people at ComCast to come out to your house and fix things. Dell, BestBuy, everyone has people to do that. Or God forbid you might take a class and learn a little bit about that $2,000 appliance you just bought just to check your e-mail.

Now I'm going to go and try to fix it, because I happen to care about this woman, but I just don't get this practice. I watch people who, rather than make one phone call for an appointment, try to corner doctors, dentists, physical therapists, computer techs, and other professionals during their time off to ask them questions or show them where it hurts. As if a dentist is going to say, "Oh yeah I can just come over to your house later and pull that tooth with some string and a doorknob." And I know the thought is to save some money, but do they realize that the money they are saving is coming out of the pocket of the person they are trying to ask for help?

And in cases like mine, people would rather ask someone they know (who is unqualified) than ask a stranger who is a specialist. In this case, she wouldn't even have to pay for tech support.

Does this happen to you or are you lucky enough to have a job where this doesn't come up? I just think of my friend who is studying ancient Greek. When does that come up?

What's The Experation Date On That...?

2007-12-13T15:22:00.000-06:00

Ever since I can remember I regarded my appearance neither strikingly handsome nor gruesomely ugly. In fact, my features are not memorable at all. I was born to the average and have been quite content with it. The only thing ever really remarked about my appearance consistently is that I was always told I had a "young face" with "old eyes." Supposedly this is why I always carded at rated "R" movies when I was 23, but why people sought me out for counsel when I was 16.

Just recently I shaved a beard that I have been sporting for a few months now. I'm not really sure what I expected to find underneath it, but when I set down the razor and wiped the steamy fog off the mirror, I felt like I stared at a stranger in the mirror. An adult, who was beginning to show the signs of age. Lines in the face, dark circles under the eyes, and even though the whiskers were gone the skin was still slightly rough. My nose and mouth seemed strange and misplaced without their outline to keep them in position, and the eyes... the eyes that looked back at me were tired. They looked like they really should belong to an old man of eighty who was still keen eyed, but had clearly seen enough for his liking. Is this really me?

Like I said, I don't know what I expected to find under the half inch of hair that had come to be somewhat of a staple in my appearance, or why I haven't noticed the state of my appearance before... to a certain extent I feel on the edge of something other than my razor.

When I was a small boy, I grew up hearing all the time my father saying that Jesus would return soon. I believed it so much that I didn't expect to live past the age of sixteen. I'm not sure why I picked this particular year, but I believed it whole-heartedly. And because of this belief much of my early behavior was shaped. Not necessarily accepting your death, but to see an end frees you in ways most people only dream. By the time I hit sixteen I had acquired a reckless taste for life and so this did nothing to dissuade me from thinking my time on this earth would be short lived.

Now I sit at almost twenty-seven. Eleven years past my deadline, if you will forgive the pun. I feel like I have lived enough for three lifetimes. Or maybe I feel like I have lived three times as much as people my age, because there are so many experiences I have left that could not be partaken at any earlier age. Some experiences are not for young men and to rush them is foolishness itself. I have never been married, or made love, or had children. There is a section of my life yet to live that I have never really considered a possibility. Honestly, they always seemed abstract ideas that I would never participate in before my life ended. My freedom has always derived from having nothing, to very little to lose. And now that I have relationships and responsibilities I'm having a hard time figuring out how to hold loosely to that which is most dear to me. I know why the apostle Paul calls to men in the ministry to stay single, and forsake worldly possessions that tie you down, but on the other hand I believe I'm beginning to understand the love that God likens to the devotion, passion, and anticipation of the bridegroom and the approaching wedding feast.

And so here I am on the edge of something. I find people, many people my own age inept at life. They run and run in a panic at one thing or another and I am frustrated that they cannot see the solution that easily presents itself. Even more so I am frustrate that my cousel which sometimes is the very heart of wisdom that I have prayed to God for falls on the deaf ears of those older than me simple because they regaurd me to young to see things clearly, when they haven't so much as bowed a knee. I see people with hollow lives, mundane existences, and people my age and sometimes older that (in my estimation) are not wise and have not lived as much as I have. I don't know if this is true or it is my own vanity. After all, I'm a not even a big duck in a small pond, but a tadpole in a sea of experiences. I guess I just feel like other people my age are talking about all the things they want to do, and I don't feel that way. I am content with the things already done, but I know that if I feel like I have lived three times over at twenty five... how many more adventures await me?

Christ have mercy on a small man... make my beard grow back in fast.

On the Grid

2007-12-05T15:08:00.000-06:00

Back in a time when Yahoo was still a better search engine than Google, people just used the Google search engine to "Google" other people or themselves. This is how most people heard about Google. You would be sitting in your coffee shop of choice sipping your double shot cafe' latte' and your hip and trendy friend would sit down next to you and say "I Googled myself last night and this is what came up..." Or some psychopaths would Google the person they were dating as the ultimate act of checking up on them.

If you have never done it, just go to Google and type "your name" (make sure you use the quotes) and search. The scary thing is, I haven't done that in about four years. A fellow blogger just mentioned it so I wanted to see what has changed. So I ran a search and my results brought up this site.

http://find.allfolks.com/

This site allows you to track someone through legal documents like address changes at the post office, criminal records, traffic tickects, court records, etc. For fifty dollars you can find out everywhere I've lived for the past fifteen years at what ages I lived there, all my relatives and their addresses, lawsuits brought against me, and so on. Just think for the low price of 49.95 you can download someone elses entire life.

Scary.

I'm Pregnant

2007-12-04T10:56:00.000-06:00

... I mean getting married. Let the feats of strength begin.

This Sucks like a Hoover

2007-11-19T13:02:00.000-06:00

Oh My Word!!! It's worse than nails on a chalkboard!!!

Usually it happens on Friday, which makes the situation worse because I'm the only one here. But this week they decided to make it Monday. I'm trying to do my job which mainly consists of utilizing music, media, reading, and the creative process in general. I CAN'T DO THAT WHILE THEY VACUUM OUTSIDE MY DOOR WITH THE LOUDEST VACUUM CLEANER MADE IN 1976!!!

Visions from my childhood flash before my eyes of my crazy mother who used to open our doors at 9:00 AM on Saturdays and vacuum our rooms while we tried to sleep. It wasn't really that our rooms needed to be vacuumed it was a battle of wills. We thought we should get to sleep in on Saturdays. She felt that there was some kind of magic barrier that prevented the house from being cleaned past noon. She wanted us to get up at 8 AM and help her clean the house. My brother and I didn't mind doing house work or yard work. We just wanted to do it well rested.

When I moved to a ground floor apartment in Hannibal I was fortunate enough to live below a woman who worked the night shift. I thought this was awesome. If I threw a party, she was at work and wouldn't complain and stomp on the floor to tell us to "pipe down." I thought I had it made until the first time she vacuumed her floor (my bedroom ceiling) at 6 AM on Saturday morning when she got home from work. She did this every Saturday like clockwork.

And so here I sit in my office barely able to concentrate enough to write this as our sweet old janitors vacuum the hallway outside my office. I tried closing my door on Fridays and they act like they are offended. Like my being annoyed by the vacuum is really me being annoyed by them. But at least today the whole staff gets to enjoy this. Usually on Fridays its just me. I just sit here thinking "There is no way vacuuming the hall takes this long!" I keep expecting to walk out of my office and just see four or five vacuum cleaners sitting outside my door turned on.

I don't know what it is but THAT SOUND makes me climb the walls.

If All Else Fails...

2007-11-13T13:47:00.000-06:00

I spend a lot of time at the drive-thru at Taco Bell. I'm not sure if this is more a reflection of the frequency of my visits or more a reflection of the service. This particular evening I found myself at a Taco Bell that was clearly having issues inside. I feel I can safely assume this because it took the woman in front of me ten minutes to order one taco. It was one of those visits when you wait for so long you just put the car in park. I finally get up to the window and this poor frazzled man asks me if I want any taco sauce. No. I can tell that he is more than a little stressed as he hands me my drink. Then doesn't remember which drink he gave me and asks me to "test" it to see if it is, in fact, Pepsi. After I confirm the drink he asks me what kind of taco sauce I said that I wanted. Nothing. He hands me the three items I ordered all bagged separately in there very own sacks. "I'm sorry, did you want any taco sauce, " he sighs. No. No Taco Sauce. He then seems to move on to the next thing and is puzzled as to why I'm still there. As he slid the window open I handed him my money and he says, "oh yeah, right." Then of course, as he hands me my change he says, "Did you want any sauce?"

As I drove away I had to wonder about that man. He was clearly 55 or older, and it didn't seem like he had been doing that job very long. I had to wonder what life choices bring you to Taco Bell at the age of 55. Has he never really moved past that in his life? Has he been flipping burgers for 40 years? Or did he have a job that got replaced by a machine? Should he have gone to Computer Based Learning Center to adapt to the job market? Was he just laid off early so the company could screw him out of retirement? Did he loose his job because of Alzheimer's?

On the one hand, I want to admire him for having the humility to get what ever job he could to make ends meet for his family... On the other hand I pity him for working fast food his whole life and not planning ahead...

My reaction... I eat my taco. With no sauce.

I guess I always struggle with my idea of success. I bump into people I went to high school with and they are working at a gas station, or delivering pizzas and I don't want to think I'm better than they are, but at the same time I can't help but feel sorry for them that they aren't doing something... more.

May become itchy and irritated...

2007-11-01T23:29:00.000-05:00

I think I might give up on talking on the phone for a while. I feel like I would get more done and be less irritated. Honestly, how many five minute phone calls do you get during the day that are four minutes too long. Sometimes I get 30 minute phone calls at work that are 29 minutes too long. I go through this all the time (mostly with women). You just end up on the phone talking about NOTHING. And not in the cool, fun way like when you talk to the person you love about nothing for hours... really I'm on the phone with people and nothing is really being discussed.

Example: Someone will call me at work to inform me of some information that has changed about an event. They call me so I can change the announcements. This should take 30 seconds. "Hey, I was just calling to say that the event will be 4PM instead of 3:59PM." "Okay, I will make the change." click.

But what really happens is they take me on the 15 minute journey of why they made that decision. "Well I woke up and after talking it over with Becky... oh by the way Becky had this really funny joke... oh I can't remember it... we laughed really hard... anyway, so we were thinking about the time the event started and... oh I almost remembered what she said... Oh, it was right there... oh well... so" At this point I am flipping a coin to decide if I should hang myself with the phone chord or simply bang my head against the desk until I blackout.

Today, I pull up to the gym I go to and my mom calls on the phone. "Hey are you at work?" "No, I'm at the gym." "Oh, I'm trying to get a hold of Patti (my secretary)... she isn't with you?" "No mom, Patti didn't come with me to the gym (sigh)." "Oh right... well I was just going to get a pedicure and I thought that if Patti was a work..." I cut her off "Mom, I'm AT THE GYM. Are you going to tell me a narration of your thoughts on why you want to get a hold of my secretary of whom I have no idea of her whereabouts and your line up for the rest of your night?" "(laugh) yes" "I love you mom, but" click.

I find myself on the phone almost all day screaming inside "i don't care. I don't care. I DON"T care. I DON'T CARE! GET TO THE POINT!"

So I think if I just decide that I don't take phone calls I can stop this. People can just leave a message with the information, no story needed. It's funny, I don't have this reaction when people are there in the flesh, just on the phone.

On being kissable...

2007-10-19T09:55:00.000-05:00

I had a bad experience when I was sixteen and again when I was nineteen. I probably should have known better the second time around. But I really don't understand why it still goes on probably millions of times a day around the world.

Just two days ago, my roommate and I were in the gym and I see this guy working out, and this guy is flipping huge, but he had this weird look on his face. I kept pretending to watch the TV on the wall and sneaking glances (because you can get killed for staring at another guy at the gym). Finally I saw the spit cub on the ground. I put two and two together. Sour look + lip bulge + spit cup = Chewing Tobacco. When I figured it out I was really surprised. Do people really still do that? In the suburbs of Chicago? In a gym?

Sure enough, on my way to work I stopped at the BP and went inside to pay because I know the lady that works there. Three out of four of the people in front of me in line bought either chew or cigarettes (at like $6 a pack no less). I really don't get it! It makes me so confused that I'm angry about it.

For just about as long as the tobacco and alcohol industry has been in business they lean on the fact that 1. Their product is addictive. 2. Sex appeal. Every cigarette and beer add is aimed at telling people that being drunk and dragging a cigarette will make you look sophisticated and sexy. This has not been my experience. How is putting tobacco in your lip and spitting out what looks like mud into a cup every 30 seconds sexy? How is making your clothes and my clothes and your hair smell bad sexy? When I lived in MO, the first time I saw a girl spit tobacco juice out of her mouth, a shiver ran down my spine and I vomited in my mouth a little.

See when I was 16 I kissed a girl that was smoking. Don't judge me. I was at a dance club. I didn't know her, I didn't expect it. It was not hot. I almost threw up in her mouth. Again, when I was 19 the date I was with smoked a cigarette two hours ago, chewed gum, and put on perfume. When I kissed her all I could taste and smell was cigarette.

So I don't understand. In the Chicagoland area they are making it illegal to smoke in restaurants, city parks, your car, and get this... bars. Tobacco prices are through the roof. You get cancer from chew and cigarettes (or fags as the British call them). They make girls smell and taste like campfire ashes.

WHY IS THIS STILL GOING ON?

Things are more awkward when they are closer.

2007-10-11T15:20:00.000-05:00

I made a post September 21st entitled "Wash, Rinse, Repeat." It was given 8 out of 10 stars on the "is this post gay" meter but it is true none the less. I was saying how I went to Hair Cuttery to get a cheaper hair cut and I felt like I was cheating on my "stylist" Joy. The girl that cut my hair's name was Laura. (Not the same girl from the post about Taco Bell)

This is going somewhere I promise.

So yesterday I went back to Hair Cuttery for a quick clip and some lady I don't know says "Sure I can take a walk-in. Come on back. Do you care who does your hair?" "No" I reply as she sits me down in a chair next to a small boy getting his hair cut by Laura. So not only did I cheat on my stylist with Laura, I'm now getting my hair cut by yet another lady sitting right next to Laura.

I try to convince myself that she doesn't recognize me. But then the lady cutting my hair starts asking me questions. Do you live around here? What do you do for a living? Well, there goes that plan. So I'm giving these one word answers and trying to time my responses with Laura leaving to go get things from the back.

After it was all said and done, I had to wonder "What the *&^) is going on in my head!"

Maybe I'm destined to be weird. Maybe I'm destined to be at odds with girls named Laura.

You could always work in advertising...

2007-10-08T21:03:00.000-05:00

I just saw a commercial for birth control pills.

The background song playing was "We're not going to take it."

I think it's time to fire someone.

Adventures with the Next Blog button

2007-10-04T09:50:00.000-05:00

The problem with blogging on a regular basis is... well, frankly... that no one else does. I don't mean no one, just very few. Many people today would rather post a picture with a caption, or a link that says "check this out."

For a while I stopped blogging and then it was just once a month. I was chided for my neglect, and so I have resumed. But now I log in with expectations to read comments and check out updates on other blogs, only to find less and less each month. I've tried to cheer myself up by making smiley faces with the ":" and ")" keys. After about twelve pages of that, I decided to seek out new opportunities. I pressed the "Next Blog" button located at the top of the page.

Here are my observations.

- Many people don't blog in English. I wonder if this adds to the experience. I also wonder what Swedish people call their literature/grammar class. "Yeah, have fun in gym I'll see you in Swedish."

- The porn industry has blogs. I guess they have feelings to share... it gets boring after awhile. Everyone just keeps talking about how good everything feels.

- Pictures posted without captions are more mysterious.

- Many people are boring.

- Most boring people believe themselves to be interesting.

- If you are boring, you should post pictures with no captions... or don't post.

- There is a whole subculture of bloggers that are posting pictures of their children in sports team apparel and discussing which team they are going to force them to like. Many of these blogs are written by women. I want to visit these blogs repeatedly to see how quickly the child rebels and joins the school musical.

- Most good blogs go unappreciated, unnoticed, and are few and far between. Only 1 out of every 31 blogs is good. I can assume this because after pushing the button thirty times I have yet to find one worth reading. I will keep the hope alive though.

- People who devote their blog to creating discussion about politics have no need for comment sections. No one will.

So in closing, push at your own risk.

Way to die and ruin MY day...

2007-10-03T12:46:00.000-05:00

Is this your life?

After I battled two construction zones, one stripped road, and traffic being rerouted because of an arrest I finally made it to Lew St. This time of year Lew St. is a breath of fresh air. There is no construction, no heavy traffic. It is about a quarter mile stretch of road that gently curves and becomes Rock Creek Rd. This is the last two minutes of my drive to work. It is quiet and pretty as the leaves are changing. Sometimes they litter the road and it is like being in a leaf tunnel with the trees stretching above and the fallen leaves covering the road below making it more reminiscent of a forest floor than a paved road.

Yesterday morning as I was turning the corner, smoothly transitioning in the limbo somewhere between Lee and Rock Creek I spotted a squirrel in the road. He obviously wass running about trying to store up nuts for the coming winter. And by some will of fate, his travels brought him to stand on the dotted yellow line in the middle of Rock Creek Rd. Although his tail was a bit mangy, he was slightly cute the way all animals that wiggle there noses rapidly are, so I veered right and give him a wide berth.

I'm not quite sure what happened next. Even though there were no other cars, even though I was steering the car away from him, even though he was facing away from my side of the street... when my car came within five feet of the squirrel, he turned suddenly and ran in front of my car. He started to dart across the road and then stopped. I swerved to try and angle the car so it would pass under the middle and not under a tire. Just before he left my line of sight over my hood, I see him turn and leap. I felt the bump. I heard the thud. I looked in my rear view mirror to see his body twitching on the road.

I did everything I could. He had every opportunity not to be in that situation. I don't get it.

Home Sweet Home

2007-09-27T13:28:00.000-05:00

Just when you think your town is actually becoming somewhat sophisticated... you drive into town and are greeted by a sign that says,

Oktoberfest
September 28-29
Located on Main Street

Wash, Rinse, Repeat

2007-09-21T11:12:00.000-05:00

Do you have a "stylist"? That's what hair dressers call themselves. Much like stewardesses prefer to be called "flight attendants". It makes being a waitress on an airplane seem more important.

Well I have a stylist, and let me tell you sometimes it feels like a bigger commitment than I signed up for. I mean... I already have a girlfriend. However, every time I see Joy (my stylist) at the gym or at Jewel she is like, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. You haven't stopped by or called me." And the whole time she isn't looking me in the eye, she is looking at my hair to make sure it is the accurate length for the lapse in time I have been to see her. I just keep praying my hat is covering enough and that she doesn't notice the proverbial lipstick on my collar. That's right. I cheat on my stylist. And everyday of my life I try not to get caught.

It's a dangerous thing. When I go to see Joy, it is at a very nice "day spa"/"salon". You know, where everyone wears black and all the girls that cut hair wouldn't know their natural hair color if they saw it on a color chart. She knows my life story and I feel comfortable asking her opinion on my hair style. It's an all around good experience. But then I go to pay and it costs about thirty dollars once you put in the tip. So I don't feel I can sustain this relationship all the time. So I go slumming.

It feels so cheap when I do it. I go to the Hair Cuttery, and I don't care what girl I get. They all tell me to come back and give me their card, but I throw it away. They give me a ten dollar hair cut, and mostly I just want a trim. They try and make chit chat... "So what do you do for a living? Have you lived here long?" Yes! Yes! I've lived here all my life, just cut my hair and please, please don't tell anyone that I was here. Don't tell my stylist... I'll do anything.

And then when I go back to Joy there is awkwardness...
"So where have you been."
"Nowhere."
"Wow your neck line looks really good, did you do this yourself?"
"I don't want to talk about it."

She has to know. I don't know why she continues to see me. It's probably just for my money.

I got the weirdest girl yesterday at Hair Cuttery. I sat down and she asks, "Have you been swimming a lot this summer?" "No, not really." I reply. She says, "Oh, cause I can smell it in your hair." I didn't say anything. I didn't tell her I thought it was weird that her mutant power was to tell where a person has been by smelling their hair. I didn't tell her it was weird that she smelled my hair. I didn't tell her I was offended because I shampoo and condition everyday. And I didn't tell here that I hadn't showered yet that day. I just got my cheap cut, paid the lady and went on my way.

I have to break the cycle.

Multicultural

2007-09-11T18:33:00.000-05:00

I never knew what mulicultural really meant until now. But sitting in my living room with Omar (a 31 year old man from Peru) watching him play along to the Pink Floyd DVD and chat in spanich online... I understand.

No I don't. This is kind of unnerving. We have very little to talk about.

Blues Not Like Jazz

2007-09-05T14:19:00.000-05:00

This past weekend was the Chicago Jazz feastival. So my girlfriend wanted to go into the city because there was a certain big band she wanted to hear play. And I think to myself... that's awesome I love Jazz. Turns out I just forgot that I don't.

The word "Jazz" has been thrown around alot to discribe a lot of music that might be better described as "Jazzy". About ten minutes into the feastivus for the rest of us, I realized that what I meant to say is "I like Blues music." Blues music is the first steps to rock and roll. Jazz is people taking turns soloing. I forgot that Jazz music is kind of like what you hear when you go to a church that speaks in tongues. One person starts a prayer and then there are random people shouting jibberish really fast and sometimes they bleed over into someone elses jibberish.

Or maybe a better word picture would be when my friends and I used to go dancing in college. We would go to a bar called "Rocky's" for "Bad Music Thursdays". Since the music was funny 80's and early 90's music my friend's Adam, Matt, and I would stand in a triangle and we would all start out doing the same non-commital head bob dance that is popular with all white guys who can't dance. Then out of nowhere Adam would do the running man, then point to Matt who would do the sprinkler, then point to me who would do the shopping cart, then point to Adam who would do the worm, then point to Matt who would do the robot, then point to me who would pull my shirt over my head and run around the bar screaming.... actually I take it back. That is not a good picture at all.

And once the madness stopped you would hear a deep voice coming from the general direction of a bowling shirt saying, "That was our hit single Transgender cosmic pink constilation sandwich... Thank You."

Christmas In August

2007-08-22T13:47:00.000-05:00

Last week we left our hero in staff meeting. This week...

Staff meeting was a little rough as we were evaluating my ministry. Everyone was down to business until flames came out of Stan's butt. Patti thought it was because he was naked from the waist down behind his desk. I knew it was the drugs.

The Living Christmas Tree... I mean Barn

We are starting rehearsals for this year's "Living Christmas Tree" which is not really that anymore. It is a Broadway style musical that requires us to build a barn inside our auditorium. I've been listening to the same Christmas CD for eight hours. I would be really excited about it (it is a fantastic musical) but I have a billion things to do. I be excited later.

Renew Your Prescription Every Two Years

If you read my archives in February of 2007 you will find a story of Laura, who works at Taco Bell. To recap, this girl has no eyebrows, looks like a Muppet cause her skin and lips are the same color, is tanned beyond all recognition, and has a look on her face that makes her look like she could star in a movie called "safety scissors." So Eric and I went to Taco Bell to get a... well.. a taco. And of course, I went inside because I will never go through the drive-up since Laura must be writing a book on screwing up my order and the psychological effects. And so when I get in line, sure enough, she is working the drive-up window. We exchange a look that I'm sure Lex Luther and Superman exchange when they see each other at a distance when they show up at the same parties. I whisper to Eric, "That's that girl that I blogged about. The one that hasn't got my order right since January!" Eric replies to me, "Wow, she is hot!"

I slapped him in the face.

I used to blog once a week

2007-08-15T14:48:00.000-05:00

For all you long time bloggers out there:
Some time when you are bored (i.e. the server is down for 2 days) look over your archives. They are pretty interesting. Or you can look at my archives... they are spectacular.

Preaching to the choir:
If you can read this, I assume you are at least still interested in the blogging world. I was visiting my friends' links and noticed some bloggers haven't posted in many moons. If you do not respond to this post within thirty seconds of reading it, your link will be deleted, and your crush will never know that you really love them. Your lucky numbers are 56889, and 2.

These People Are Crazy:
Those of you that haven't listened to the podcast "These People Are Crazy" need to get a clue. If you don't have a clue, you could asks Blue for one. We haven't posted a podcast in forever. If you would like to hear more please leave comments on Tyler and Nick's blogs pestering them to podcast. Our goal is 50 comments on each blog. Not necessarily 50 people, but 50 comments, so feel free to leave 49 comments per blog. Ready Go!

My Pledge to You:
I pledge that I will at least think about blogging once a week. That is all.

How Long Can This Go On?

2007-08-09T10:52:00.000-05:00

Writing this has been on my list of thing that I "Cannot Do" for awhile now for a number of reasons. But I'm just so sick of it.

I miss her.

I don't mean that this is a recent development. I mean I do miss her, and I have missed her the whole time. I have days that I barely think about it and days like today where I feel like I lost a huge piece of myself. I can feel my heart ache in my chest. How long can this go on?

I just feel like if I pretend long enough that it doesn't bother me that eventually it won't. Maybe she'd date someone else. Maybe it wouldn't hurt so much. But I pretend it doesn't bother me, cause I don't want to doubt my decision. It was the right decsion. Neither one of us was willing to budge... where can you go like that? So, if I'm not okay and confindent then that leaves room for doubt... and I would rather pretend than allow that. It would be easier if she would just learn to hate me. It's easier to deal with when you are angry. Blame me for giving up. Call me and tell me I'm a bastard. She called and wanted to keep trying, but if she couldn't fully trust me before, how could she now? If she kept one foot out cause she was afraid to get hurt before, how could she be fully in the relationship after this?

I talk about dating other people like it would be fun, but really it's just cheap fun to kill and bury hurt. It's not fun. I don't like being "out there". I'm angry cause she was so damn stubborn! But I could have given in. I was just sick of it. Why was I the one who always had to budge? Why couldn't I just continue and chalk it off to love. "Well, if you love someone, that's it... you just keep working." Is that true? Then why did we both need reasons? Why couldn't we both just do things for eachother because we asked? What was she so afraid of? I was afraid of being my mother: bitter toward my dad cause he never budged, so scared of something that he never expressed love like she did, scared cause he didn't know what he wanted. So, instead of bitter, I'm heart broken. And I have no one to blame but me. I stopped it. Why can't I stop this?

Can I say that? Can I feel like this? Can I believe in my decision and hurt this much? It must be possible, cause here I am. I told myself that someone else wouldn't take me for granted. That someone else would be easier. Together I was so frustrated and hurt that I felt like she kept a piece of herself from me and hid it. But now I have none. Which is better? I'm not sure.

All I know is that I'm not okay.

Surprise, Surprise

2007-08-02T17:44:00.000-05:00

Some surprises are great.

"Oh, you didn't know... that's 70% off sir."

Some surprises are less than spectacular.

"Wait a minute... what's in this casserole?"

I just left the McDonald's drive-thru under the impression that I was leaving with a three dollar value meal featuring a double cheese burger, small fries, and medium coke. As I stuck my hand in the bad to eat the fries (those poor fries rarely make the journey home) I felt a packet of sauce. I retrieved the ticket and what was in my possession was a six dollar value meal built around a ten piece nugget and large everything. Great surprise? The only sauce was BBQ.

Any Dick, Jane, or Sally can tell you the only proper sauce to dip McNuggets in is Sweet and Sour sauce. Chicken Selects... sure... get the BBQ sauce or the gourmet honey mustard. But McNuggets are barely chicken and then should only be paired with S&S sauce.

The quality of this surprise is still under speculation.

BTW : There have been some conserns raised about my new template. Is anyone else having problems reading it besides people with Mac's or IBM's made in 1994? It should be a photo on the left and the text should be over black space on the right.

Vacation Days

2007-07-31T11:39:00.000-05:00

What should I spend my vacation days on? Lately, I've been trying to get down to Hannibal to visit a family I know there. Every time I bring it up my Dad/Boss says stuff like, "Well, if you work this day you can take 'compensation time' and you don't have to waste your vacation days." When, lets be honest, if I actually took all my 'comp' time nothing would get done.

My vacation days are pretty consistent. Out 14 days (only two can be Sundays) I take 5 to visit my friend Jeff and go snow boarding on the East Coast. I take 2 at Christmas time to go to a hotel with my family.... and that's it. So I have 1 Sunday and 6 days. I would love to go sit on a beach somewhere, but that's not so "awesome" alone. And any snowboarding I do is usually in January - March or I just do with my normal days off during the week. So I still have a week to blow this year. I thought about just going to where ever Southwest Airlines was running a special.

Any suggestions?

Why Not Having Friends Is Expensive

2007-07-10T14:21:00.000-05:00

I was taking my parents to the airport this morning at 6AM!!!! and I saw a taxi at the airport that was advertising Aurora to O'Hare $100. I thought that it was almost worth the $100 as I was falling asleep at the wheel. Just think about it. Sometimes having friends is emotionally taxing. Especially when they "bring the drama." But you might consider the financial aspect.

Rides to the airport.
Do you want to hire a taxi or a limo to go to and from the airport in Chicago traffic?

One word: Trucks
Let's face it, if you own a truck, any truck, you are the number one friend of anyone who needs furniture moved. No one wants to pay for a budget truck.

Pizza.
Yes I would like to split a pizza cause after college pizza costs $20 for a small.

Strippers
....

Rent
Living by yourself is expensive.

Also, none of the above things and many others are fun by yourself. Everyone should have a friend that isn't a narc.

Are you a narc?

Not That Anyone Reads My Blog Anymore Anyways

2007-06-23T00:13:00.000-05:00

For the love of all that is holy, people!!! Let's talk about your myspace shall we?

One: I might (in the slightest way) be interested in the results of maybe one of the thousands of internet personality tests that tell you what kind of Coke you are, what Lord of the Rings character you are most likely to have a one night stand with, or what kind of kisser you are. However, there is ABSOLUTELY NO REASON to post ALL of the results on your page, complete with graphics. After, I stop the bleeding from my eyes and nose, I realize that I will never look at all the information on your page and I leave, only returning when I feel like slapping my self in the face. I don't care what flavor of icey pops you are, and if I want to find out what kind of kisser you are I wouldn't find out on the internet. Have some class.

Two: Picture on Picture crime is starting to be a problem. Stick to the rules of one and not two. As in, have one flash album, one video, one song, and one background photo (usually better if it is unobtrusive). I can just as easily visit your "pics" on your profile. In fact, Tom in all his wisdom has given you separate sections for your pictures and video. I don't need them animated in four different flash programs on your home page. Also, in the "About Me" section... you can just write the names of your favorite TV shows... I trust you that it is a real show... you don't have to prove it with seven pictures.

Threeve: What the H#$% is with your pictures? You look like you are constantly eating extremely sour candy. Smile. That's what people do in pictures. But if that is your "sexy" face... we need to talk. I'd even take a funny face over your myspace face. Or at least change it up. And if you are going to take a picture of yourself, it's okay to do it at an angle that isn't just showing me the top of your head and your one eye. Unless you only have one eye... then, good job... your hair covers the socket nicely. I can only deduce that you are, in fact, four feet tall and have one eye and you are showing me a picture so I will recognize you when I tower over you and look down while we are in the bathroom, next to the mirror.

Four: Stop using heart as a verb. That is all.

Things I was going to blog about but never did.

2007-06-13T10:01:00.001-05:00

"Apples to Apples" and "Boxers or Briefs"

You might recognize these titles from the last "20 something" party you went to. They're not really board games, but only because there is no board. I cannot guarantee there will not be any bored. But seriously people, how the games work is that one person either draws a question or just a card with one word on it. Your job as a participant is pick one of the seven cards in your hand that you think matches the question or the one word in the center. Now here is the crazy part... there is no criteria for who then wins. The person who put the question/word in the center just picks which one he/she likes the best. It could be the most accurate, the closest synonym, or the funnest random card. And so here in lies the problem with these games.

These games could and would be the funniest addition to any party of pretend friends and stuffed animals. The problem is that people play these games. And by people I mean people with no taste. And by no taste, I mean no sense of humor. And by people with no taste or sense of humor I mean, my family. Let me expound...

Example: The card was "The greatest invention of the 20th century."
My answer: The electric chair (clearly the funniest answer and pure genius in the timing and that my sister-in-law's 70 year old mother read it)
The winning answer: Cars

This kind of thing went on for hours. With me executing moves like "pudding" "Danny DeVito" "Walks like a girl" and "is clearly drunk" with no winning tokens to show for it. But I persisted, amusing myself and sometimes the other cynics in the room. And by other cynics I mean my mother.... who is crazier than all-get-out.

(sigh) Nobody gets me.

Goldbond, helping men wear leather pants since 1945

2007-06-11T13:12:00.000-05:00

Playing electric guitar while wearing kakki pants is like kissing your sister.

Playing electric guitar while wearing leather pants is like slipping the tongue on the first kiss.

I had one of these experiences on Sunday morning. Can you guess which?

Such A Tool

2007-05-12T13:50:00.000-05:00

I don't really consider myself the "Mr. Fix-it, tough guy, grease monkey, tool totin'" type of guy. I consider my construction and tool usage knowledge to be... minimal if at all worth noting. I don't own or wear a wife beater. My hands are not calloused. I don't have a goatee. I'm not sporting a barbed wire or loony toons tattoo. And the hair on my arms does not appear darker because of the oil and dirt soaked into it. If I could say it this way; you're more likely to find me getting my nails done, than hammering nails.

However...

in the past five years, I've started to think that my knowledge (while remedial) may be better than I first thought.

Example:
While visiting a house rented by four girls I fixed a door. They were having people over and they have one of those doors that slide back into the wall. It was off the track and stuck half way. While other guys struggled with it, I simply walked outside to my Foreign import car (not my Chevy truck) and got my tool box pulled out my claw hammer and took down the door. The room was silent and the only reply was, "...you mean, you carry tools in your car? You just have them all the time? That is so cool!"

At this house I have also: Assembled furniture, fix light fixtures, repaired trim, and changed tires.

In these past years I have ripped out walls, hung drywall, plastered and painted, replaced a water pump, and changed numerous other car parts.

I'm starting to wonder if mechanical, construction and carpentry skills are just inherent in the male gene? Anyone need an addition put on their house?

Customer Service?

2007-04-18T15:03:00.000-05:00

I have officially placed 14 calls, been transferred to over 20 people, been issued three case numbers, two tickets, and spent over an hour collectively on hold. The issue is still... unresolved.

This is my story... this is my song. So one of the lamps went out in the video projectors at work and I had to call Sharp Electronics to get a new one. This was over three weeks ago. And in calling for a new projector lamp I started a series of events that were to change my life forever. The days are a little hazy and being as I am turning 40 on the 28th of this month (26 rounded up to 30 which might as well be 40) my memory is not what it used to be, but let me go back.

I remember talking to a guy that assured me that the bulb he was ordering for me was the correct bulb and that I was mistaken about the model number... it was the wrong bulb... I had to return it.

I remember then receiving the correct model of bulb, but it wasn't working... I had to return it. (each of these bulbs cost over $500)

I remember (literally every time) calling Sharp Direct then being transferred to Sharp Tech Support and then being transferred back to Sharp Direct with the Tech Support person wondering why you were transferred to them in the first place.

I remember talking to a woman for ten minutes trying to explain the problem and her trying to convince me that they didn't even carry "that product" only to hear her finally say, " ohhh, I thought you were talking about a microwave... you know they have bulbs...but we don't carry them."

I remember interactions like this "Yes sir, it looks like you called here yesterday." "Yes I did. I called four times yesterday, three times the day before that, and five times last week." "Wow! Sir you are really patient, that is such a blessing in itself, you are so blessed." "..."

I remember my neck getting rapped in the chord right before I blacked out and then waking up without feeling in my left ear.

So now I have placed one more order. Maybe it will be right, maybe not. Maybe they will send me a working projector lamp, or maybe that nice lady will send me a new microwave. I am so patient, I am so blessed.

STFU

2007-03-13T22:04:00.000-05:00

Just a heads up. If you ever use the word "heart" as a verb, we can't be friends. Just so we're clear... this is the case where some Jr. High prepubescent girl says, "oh... I heart those shoes." So if you are above the age of 13 and you use "heart" in this manner, we can't be friends. This also goes for actually saying out loud any kind of IM/Internet speak. In fact, if you ever look at me after I tell a joke and say "lol man" I will slap you.... I'm not kidding. I won't punch you, because only grown men should be punched. And if you say "lol" you must be a girl or a robot..

Are you a robot?

Clearly, this is "Nacho" (Not your) day

2007-02-28T17:08:00.000-06:00

Right now I am so furious that you know what I am going to do?!? NOTHING!!

I stopped by Taco Bell on my way home. We have one of the those KFC, Taco Bell Hybrids. And by hybrid I mean that it has an incomplete menu from both restaurants and everything tastes like fried chicken. The past three times I have gone to this Taco Bell my order has never been right. And it is always the same girl... Laura. She is evil.

She is this girl that looks like she is about sixteen. She is tanned beyond all recognition. And for some unknown reason her lips are the same color as her skin and it looks freakish. She walks around with this dull look on her face like she is too bored with life or she has been smoking pot.

The past three times I have gone through the drive-up she has been there. Like a super villain ready to thwart me. For a month now I have been trying to eat a "steak grilled stuffed burrito combo." This particular combo pairs a steak grilled stuffed burrito with a regular order of nachos and is accented by a large drink of your choice. The three times I have ordered it the results were:

1. A CHICKEN taco supreme and nacho supreme with medium drink.

2. A BEEF grilled stuffed burrito and nachos with a large drink.
(I even double checked it at the window because I knew the price was too cheap. "Are you SURE that it is steak?" "oh yeah, it is."

3. And finally today I received a regular crunchy steak taco, and a BEAN burrito supreme with no nachos!!!! The REALLY STUPID thing is that I looked at the receipt and it says Supreme steak taco and they gave me a regular one. THEY SCREWED UP THE ORDER THAT WAS WRONG!!! And right there at the top of the receipt is the name "Laura."

I was so dumbfounded, I thought of going inside, but was afraid of what they would do next. So I took my food home and bit into the bean burrito and it was COLD ON THE INSIDE.

I'M BEING TAUNTED BY THE SPAWN OF SATAN... LAURA!!!!!!

I will never again visit the drive-thru of this Taco Bell. Because I know that given these past experiences, Laura will be working at Taco Bell for the rest of her life, or until she tans herself to death. Therefore, never again will my order be safe at this establishment.

Revelations

2007-02-26T12:48:00.001-06:00

Sometimes "congas" means "boobies."

Lent

2007-02-22T21:05:00.000-06:00

The experiment has failed, but I count it a success. I had decided that I was going to give up red meat and pop (soda) for lent. So I started by going Monday and just having one can of pop. Then Tuesday I had half a can. Yesterday and today, I had none. Let me share with you some things I have learned.

1. I drank a lot of green tea (with citrus) as a substitute beverage. No one told me it was a diuretic. Today I suddenly (and I'm sure you know what I mean) had to poop. In one swift bowel movement I cleansed my system. I can't tell you what it feels like to be alarmed at the size and amount of the bowel moment you just had.

2. I am not fun without chemical stimulation. I feel like "fun Bobby" on friends. Who wasn't fun unless he was drinking. After the caffeine was out of my system I became lethargic and unfocused.

3. Today, I entered a state of chemical withdrawal. Which combined with stress at work and other crappy things this week, has launched me into a state of melancholy, and mild depression.

4. I went to bed early and got up late.

5. During the brief periods that I was lucid, I felt very healthy. I believe I have flushed a lot of crap out of my system.

I am drinking a McDonald's Coke right now.
I am done with this experiment. It was short lived, but effective. I am cutting back my pop (soda) intake permanently.